a thought

[vivisectdeath]

had an anxiety dream where two guys showed up to steal crap from my apartment and were surprised to find me there, then wouldn't let me leave and tried to rape me, but I got away or cut off to another dream. realized how cut off I am from most human beings. am hanging out with a guy I kinda like, but it's like it's hard to be there interacting with people directly and letting myself feel my feelings about anything in the present moment. he had a dream about me trying to kill him. I miss missing one of my friends, cuz it's like I know I do but I can't feel it with the other garbage on the forefront of my subconscious, though I know I will. my spiritual sensors are all whacked but that's really obvious to me, as obvious as it is that me thinking my friends will judge me or worrying about stupid shit like that is stupid, and that I'm not alone dealing with anything. not certain if I care, cuz I honestly don't think I really do care if I have support or if people are listening. things are what they are, people listening isn't going to change that.

I used to write my friend letters as a method of healing. I miss trusting her. I think I do, but at this point all I can remember is missing how I felt when she looked at me. But that's not exactly based on love now is it? hah.