(no subject)
let it go
let it go
let it go
let it go
I love snakes... I don't want the reason I love snakes to be because this guy hated them... though it is satisfying on a base fucking level, at this point the effect it has on my psyche is disgusting.
I am happy with not being fond of the sun or star tarot cards... as well as not being fond of most of the water court cards... I really dislike them, they are cop outs and illusions I would rather not operate from... I don't really care about feeling good when things are shit or having false emotions. But with the state things are in I am having a hard time being in my own space and feeling my own emotions - mostly because I am fucking scared that if I let go it will come back like it did. I spent 2 years quelling that fear and I don't know how to get back to that mentality, though I know I can and I need to stop feeling defeated whenever thinking about things that do make me happy and stopping myself from experiencing them because this failure happened.
I hate the notion of praise or the potential for the praise of others to feed my ego rather than just being indifferent to opinion and going along my own way... but at this point my ego is so beaten down that I have a hard time doing anything that might actually make me proud of myself. Which is a major suicidal factor. I am not saying this for attention. It's just how it is. My emotional space is exhausted with the crap on me trying to contradict me.
The only thing that makes me happy right now is fighting this space... proabably because it was never resolved and because I am fucking right about this person needing to be punished. I am certain they will be, but it's become like an addiction to be angry at this thing. Which is not healthy. I think it was masochism. I am not happy. I need to remember that I got away from this before.
"I am tired, I am weary, I could sleep for a thousand years."
My frequency is shot... though I think it's funny that my frequency being shot allows me to connect with most 2s... 3s are clean and pure, without bias and well balanced. 2s are full of shit. 1s are even worse, emotional frequencies are the most base of everything, all convoluted and manipulative and dirty. Fucking PTSD.
let it go
let it go
let it go
I love snakes... I don't want the reason I love snakes to be because this guy hated them... though it is satisfying on a base fucking level, at this point the effect it has on my psyche is disgusting.
I am happy with not being fond of the sun or star tarot cards... as well as not being fond of most of the water court cards... I really dislike them, they are cop outs and illusions I would rather not operate from... I don't really care about feeling good when things are shit or having false emotions. But with the state things are in I am having a hard time being in my own space and feeling my own emotions - mostly because I am fucking scared that if I let go it will come back like it did. I spent 2 years quelling that fear and I don't know how to get back to that mentality, though I know I can and I need to stop feeling defeated whenever thinking about things that do make me happy and stopping myself from experiencing them because this failure happened.
I hate the notion of praise or the potential for the praise of others to feed my ego rather than just being indifferent to opinion and going along my own way... but at this point my ego is so beaten down that I have a hard time doing anything that might actually make me proud of myself. Which is a major suicidal factor. I am not saying this for attention. It's just how it is. My emotional space is exhausted with the crap on me trying to contradict me.
The only thing that makes me happy right now is fighting this space... proabably because it was never resolved and because I am fucking right about this person needing to be punished. I am certain they will be, but it's become like an addiction to be angry at this thing. Which is not healthy. I think it was masochism. I am not happy. I need to remember that I got away from this before.
"I am tired, I am weary, I could sleep for a thousand years."
My frequency is shot... though I think it's funny that my frequency being shot allows me to connect with most 2s... 3s are clean and pure, without bias and well balanced. 2s are full of shit. 1s are even worse, emotional frequencies are the most base of everything, all convoluted and manipulative and dirty. Fucking PTSD.