(no subject)
I'm not yet willing to accept this, but I am willing to work my fucking ass off.
The chaos is dark and deep and occasionally it washes over my head and it tastes like the emptiness of death.
I'm scared that this is as that was. That perhaps I really did know, all along, what was going to happen. That I wasn't going to come back. Perhaps that was the wave of loss at the beginning of the year- it feels like the premonition of this, this much greater thing.
I still believe that if I can somehow be god I will be able to make this work. But what am I relying on? Moreover, what will be left for me in four years?
There are a million things I can put down for either side.
Things like the time I need to learn the things I never got to learn (like to actually make something out of myself). Time to grow emotionally and understand myself better. Or the desperate desperate hunger I have for somebody to hold me like I always dreamed you would...
There are a million side fears, fears that spring up like red herrings daring me to believe them and take the false detour. I fear that all of this pain is from the loss of him. I fear I'm simply insane. I fear I never really will be happy, that this is all pointless, that I will sink back into the dark abyss and...
and what? I fear finding out what is behind that curtain. I fear I'll have to at some time. Maybe that is what this vision quest will be about, whenever I get about to it.
There is a sane thought in here somewhere though. Something about fear being the only thing to fear, and that if I could just get over that than everything will just be okay...
I recognize and fully understand the problem, now. I fully understand just what I signed myself up for, and that the world isn't just going to give me a guidebook with a cheatsheet in the back. So...
So.
So my heart will break and I will cry and I will get over this. This being the vehicle situation. The explorer wouldn't make it down there. But...
But, that is all I can say for now. Going into town tomorrow. Finally got my card activated. Blah blah blah fucking blah.
Hurrray for cloves, coffee, and washing down the drain.
The chaos is dark and deep and occasionally it washes over my head and it tastes like the emptiness of death.
I'm scared that this is as that was. That perhaps I really did know, all along, what was going to happen. That I wasn't going to come back. Perhaps that was the wave of loss at the beginning of the year- it feels like the premonition of this, this much greater thing.
I still believe that if I can somehow be god I will be able to make this work. But what am I relying on? Moreover, what will be left for me in four years?
There are a million things I can put down for either side.
Things like the time I need to learn the things I never got to learn (like to actually make something out of myself). Time to grow emotionally and understand myself better. Or the desperate desperate hunger I have for somebody to hold me like I always dreamed you would...
There are a million side fears, fears that spring up like red herrings daring me to believe them and take the false detour. I fear that all of this pain is from the loss of him. I fear I'm simply insane. I fear I never really will be happy, that this is all pointless, that I will sink back into the dark abyss and...
and what? I fear finding out what is behind that curtain. I fear I'll have to at some time. Maybe that is what this vision quest will be about, whenever I get about to it.
There is a sane thought in here somewhere though. Something about fear being the only thing to fear, and that if I could just get over that than everything will just be okay...
I recognize and fully understand the problem, now. I fully understand just what I signed myself up for, and that the world isn't just going to give me a guidebook with a cheatsheet in the back. So...
So.
So my heart will break and I will cry and I will get over this. This being the vehicle situation. The explorer wouldn't make it down there. But...
But, that is all I can say for now. Going into town tomorrow. Finally got my card activated. Blah blah blah fucking blah.
Hurrray for cloves, coffee, and washing down the drain.