freaking myself out
i'm totally freaking myself out. the longer our house is on the market without selling is just that much longer i have to be stuck here. i find myself not terribly disapointed by that right now. all i know is that i don't want to quit my job and deal with new shit. why can't i just be happy or excited or anything positive about it? i'm not though. not at all. all i can think about is what a pain in the ass it all is. packing, moving, driving FOREVER and unpacking and then trying to learn a new city and find a job. i'll have no friends. i'll just be stuck in my head. i don't want to get stuck in there. it's all dark and scary. i almost couldn't fall asleep last night. i kept thinking, what about health insurance? what kind of job is j going to get? is he going to go right out and get one? what if he hates it? when does the insurance kick in? where the hell am i going to work? it's all scary and i won't know anyone that's not 'family' and therefore will not have anyone to talk to without it being spread all over the place? what if the animals don't do well? what if i run out of my medicine?? of course that could happen now and we have new insurance and i don't know if i can get my stuff now with the new one. i can't even go to my normal doctors here now because they don't use fucking kaiser! what if i run out of meds in phoenix and can't get more? what if my asthma acts up and i have to go to hospital? i can't afford that! what if i can't deal when we get there? i am totally making myself cry right now because i'm so totally scared about what's going to happen? i know i'll hate it there. i just know it. it's all going to go horribly wrong and i'll end up all alone in a city i can't stand! aarrrrggghhh!!!! where's a nice closet to hide in when i need it??