(no subject)
So last night was x's & y's show at the art gallery next door. I love little art galleries, they seem to have so much more character than most places. Anyways..I tried to do better socially this time but it didn't seem to work. I seem to have a huge problem with feeling like people don't like me when they just don't know me. I'm Mark's wife to them, which I don't blame them for because I've never given them any reason to know me as just "Natalie Jean". Maybe it's intimidation? Maybe I feel like I can't live up to what a "friend" is supposed to be. Maybe I'm just scared to death because when I ask them how they're doing or say more than "hello", it usually ends up with them walking away and me feeling terrible and uninteresting to them.
I sat in the corner of the room at the very back, granted I wasn't feeling well and ended up walking home early anyways, but I still think it would have been nice if someone was like "Hey Natalie, come sit with us!" Maybe I feel like this is all just some high school sanario, but it'd still be nice if someone tried to have a conversation with me for once.
Maybe I'm just too worried about everything, putting too much thought into these situations and never saying "Fuck it, I'm going to talk and have a conversation with these people and they're going to talk back to me for once instead of walking away."
I shouldn't give a shit if they're into my weird ass anyways or not. But I do because they're my husband's friends and all I want is for them to think I'm a-okay by their standards. Sometimes I feel like I'm socially retarding Mark, hell I know I am. I freak out about things too much. This morning he told me they think I don't like them, that they say I never talk. Which is true, I don't talk. But no one talks to me either.
Next time, if there is one, I'm going to start conversations about anything not caring if I make myself look stupid or not. I'm not going to feel like the only time I'm interesting is when I've got a drink in my hand and four in my blood. Sorry Mr.Vodka, you can't be my main source of inspiration anymore..
I sat in the corner of the room at the very back, granted I wasn't feeling well and ended up walking home early anyways, but I still think it would have been nice if someone was like "Hey Natalie, come sit with us!" Maybe I feel like this is all just some high school sanario, but it'd still be nice if someone tried to have a conversation with me for once.
Maybe I'm just too worried about everything, putting too much thought into these situations and never saying "Fuck it, I'm going to talk and have a conversation with these people and they're going to talk back to me for once instead of walking away."
I shouldn't give a shit if they're into my weird ass anyways or not. But I do because they're my husband's friends and all I want is for them to think I'm a-okay by their standards. Sometimes I feel like I'm socially retarding Mark, hell I know I am. I freak out about things too much. This morning he told me they think I don't like them, that they say I never talk. Which is true, I don't talk. But no one talks to me either.
Next time, if there is one, I'm going to start conversations about anything not caring if I make myself look stupid or not. I'm not going to feel like the only time I'm interesting is when I've got a drink in my hand and four in my blood. Sorry Mr.Vodka, you can't be my main source of inspiration anymore..