why does it gotta be so hard?
Ever since I was little I have had to fight for everything I was left to raise myself both my parents had thier own lives and for some reason i didnt quite fit into either of them. As I have gotten older I have held onto the hope that when I got older that it would all fit together.. well that hasnt really happened but its coming together in small peices, being that one of the biggest peices will never be able to be filled now. All I have are the memories of my dad and when I was a little girl. He was a good man it used to make my mom so angry that i loved him so much and that he could do no worng in my eyes. she always called me a daddys girl.. I dont know if that was true how can you be a daddys girl and not really be in his life and besides he had 4 other girls and that wouldnt be fair. I was who evers girl I was around at that moment I wanted to please everyone and thats all that mattered. It turns out all I did was hurt myself. It was hard growing up knowing i had 4 sisters and didnt have any at all. it always made my mom angry that i said i had sisters (and still does i see it inher face) because i was her only child I almost had a sister or brother by my mom and dad but my mom was too sick and the dr's terminated the pregancy. when I was six my mom and dad got a divorce and thats when my life got torn apart. My dad made it very clear that he loved me and i always held onto that.
When my dad passed away in october it wsa really weird when i found out he was sick and not gonna get better i cryed so hard my eyes hurt for almost a week (I couldnt see)and i had noone i could share that grief with my mom acted like he was still her husband and that her pain was all that mattered.(there is alot more to that but ill explain if anyone wants or cares) walking into the viewing felt like i was entering another world all my sisters were there and i barley got eye contact. that hurt so much because there i was in a room with all theses people that knew my dad better than i did and i was his daughter. i couldnt reach out and hug anyone because there was noone there that really knew me, my husband was there and that helped alot. My oldest sister was very friendly i felt that she really was glad i did come. after the viewing everyone was invited to my stepmoms moms house and i didnt expect to go i didnt think i was welcome (since i was given the say clear of ur sister so she dont freak out on you) me not knowing what i did.... did what i was told i stayed away from her... there i go people pleaseing again. But thats when it seemed to turn around, after the viewing i was walking home and my stepmom and sister stopped me and asked me if i was going back to the house i told them i didnt think i was welcome so i hadnt had plans of it. then she said to me no come dont be silly.. so i came home and collected my children and took them to meet family that they never knew.
As that door on my life shut another one opened at the same momment! it felt so strange. Here i was in a house where i really didnt feel like i fit in and everyone was so nice and welcoming. All i can really say is the feeling i got seeing my daughters playing with my neices and nephew was like home it fit. watching my sisters try to play with my son made me smile like wow they really like them. I dont ever want that feeling to go away. I have sisters in my life now i have nephews and hopefully i will be able to be in my neices lives as well they are gonna be so little and so precious. i dont wanna miss out on that. I hope that posting this wont hurt the fragile relationship i have with my one sister because she means so much to me she was my light when i was little and lived with our dad and i needed to feel safe wheni was holding her or hiding under her crib or sleeping under her crib i always felt safe just knowing she was close ... how can such a little baby make a 10yr old feel so safe? I will never know and i dontknow if she will ever understand but this is some things that have been lying on my chest and heart for a long time and where else to put them if not ina journal right. wrighting has always made me feel better i think being able to write down whats on my mind and in my heart is what keeps me from going crazy or needing drugs to take me away.. its amazing what putting the right combo of letters can do to make you feel better.
well thats all for now I have wrote a book already i could most likly write all night. I read something earlier that hurt me so much i cryed knowing someone i care aboutis going through so much lonelyness and pain stabbed me in the chest.
well BYE...Beckie
When my dad passed away in october it wsa really weird when i found out he was sick and not gonna get better i cryed so hard my eyes hurt for almost a week (I couldnt see)and i had noone i could share that grief with my mom acted like he was still her husband and that her pain was all that mattered.(there is alot more to that but ill explain if anyone wants or cares) walking into the viewing felt like i was entering another world all my sisters were there and i barley got eye contact. that hurt so much because there i was in a room with all theses people that knew my dad better than i did and i was his daughter. i couldnt reach out and hug anyone because there was noone there that really knew me, my husband was there and that helped alot. My oldest sister was very friendly i felt that she really was glad i did come. after the viewing everyone was invited to my stepmoms moms house and i didnt expect to go i didnt think i was welcome (since i was given the say clear of ur sister so she dont freak out on you) me not knowing what i did.... did what i was told i stayed away from her... there i go people pleaseing again. But thats when it seemed to turn around, after the viewing i was walking home and my stepmom and sister stopped me and asked me if i was going back to the house i told them i didnt think i was welcome so i hadnt had plans of it. then she said to me no come dont be silly.. so i came home and collected my children and took them to meet family that they never knew.
As that door on my life shut another one opened at the same momment! it felt so strange. Here i was in a house where i really didnt feel like i fit in and everyone was so nice and welcoming. All i can really say is the feeling i got seeing my daughters playing with my neices and nephew was like home it fit. watching my sisters try to play with my son made me smile like wow they really like them. I dont ever want that feeling to go away. I have sisters in my life now i have nephews and hopefully i will be able to be in my neices lives as well they are gonna be so little and so precious. i dont wanna miss out on that. I hope that posting this wont hurt the fragile relationship i have with my one sister because she means so much to me she was my light when i was little and lived with our dad and i needed to feel safe wheni was holding her or hiding under her crib or sleeping under her crib i always felt safe just knowing she was close ... how can such a little baby make a 10yr old feel so safe? I will never know and i dontknow if she will ever understand but this is some things that have been lying on my chest and heart for a long time and where else to put them if not ina journal right. wrighting has always made me feel better i think being able to write down whats on my mind and in my heart is what keeps me from going crazy or needing drugs to take me away.. its amazing what putting the right combo of letters can do to make you feel better.
well thats all for now I have wrote a book already i could most likly write all night. I read something earlier that hurt me so much i cryed knowing someone i care aboutis going through so much lonelyness and pain stabbed me in the chest.
well BYE...Beckie