(beep) Or: A Lifetime of Problems Told Through Winona Kirk’s Answering Machine.
Stardate 2244: "Winona? It’s me. Your fool of a son is in police custody. He stole my car and drove it over a fucking cliff. I can’t get him out yet. He is probably going to juvie this time. The least the judge will do is give him community service for the rest of his natural born life. That was a goddamn expensive car. (beep)"
Stardate 2244: "Sweetheart? It’s your mother. I heard about what happened with little Jimmy. This is because you’re never around you need to quit your job and-/Are you sure you want to delete this message?/ (beep)"
Stardate 2244: "Lieutenant Kirk? It’s Judge Matherson. I’ll be the one overseeing your son’s case. Charming boy. Very clever. I normally meet with parents in person, but I know you’ve been stationed on the Pleiades Space Station and won't return until after sentencing. I wanted to let you know that I’ll go as easy on him as the law allows. He’s a good kid. I can tell. Too smart for his own good, and too restless. I suggest enrolling him in some more extracurricular activities. Keep him busy, and you’ll be able to keep him out of trouble. Boy is having some trouble without a father around, and I don't suppose he'll be able to understand how great of a man George Kirk was until he is much older… My brother was stationed on the U.S.S. Kelvin…. (beep)"
Stardate 2245: "Mrs. Kirk? It’s Kevin. Jimmy’s soccer coach. Jimmy got into another fight after the game today. Practically broke the other kid's nose. Look, Mrs. Kirk, He’s one of the best players I have ever seen. Good aim, real fast, great kick, but…. But, if he keeps this up I’m going to have to kick him off the team. I’m sorry. (beep)"
Stardate 2246: "Winona. It’s your mother. I wanted to tell you I’d help out with the kids. It’s obvious Jim needs some guidance, especially considering you’re getting divorced. I mean really, Winny. I don’t see why you have to do this he is-/Are you sure you want to delete this message?/ (beep)"
Stardate 2247: "Hello? Mrs. Kirk? This is Principal Robin Teague. I am calling to schedule a conference about your son, James T. Kirk. He has seemed to have some trouble keeping his fists to himself. Now, if you could call me back we could schedule a meeting and figure out how to handle this situation. (beep)"
Stardate 2247: "Mrs. Kirk? This is Caroline Williams. I was George Samuel’s advanced biology teacher this year. I just wanted to congratulate you on his graduation. He has been a little nervous about the idea of attending secondary schooling. It sounded like he didn’t want to leave home, but I just was hoping that you could encourage him. He's got a real talent. (beep)"
Stardate 2248: "Mrs. Kirk? It’s Principal Teague. I’m going to need to meet with you again you as soon as possible. I’m afraid your son got into another fight. At the very least I’m giving him a month’s worth of detention. It looks more like he’s going to get suspend. (beep)"
Stardate 2249: "Winny. I heard Jimmy got in trouble again. What did he do this time? Set his teacher on fire? Crash another car? Beat up some other poor kid until he could barely mo-/Are you sure you want to delete this message?/ (beep)"
Stardate 2249: "Winona Kirk? Robin Teague. You know the drill. Come in as soon as you can. (beep)"
Stardate 2249: "Mom? It’s Sammy. I wanted to tell you, I did pretty well on my midterm. But, well that’s not it. I met a girl. And, wow. I think I might be in love. Can you believe it? (beep)"
Stardate 2250: "Winny. It’s Robin. He cut class, again. Just think, two more months and we’ll be done. (beep)"
Stardate 2251: " I was calling to wish you a happy birthday and to tell you I did well on my test again. Also, the girl I told you about freshman year? Well, we've been dating since then. We're thinking about moving in with each other. I wanted you to know. I'm really happy. I hope you are too. I love you! (beep)"
Stardate 2251: "I'm in trouble. Call me back. (beep)"
Stardate 2252: "/This is a call from the Iowa State Police Department. It may be recorded for security purposes/. Hey mom! It’s Jimmy. You’ll never guess what happened- (beep)"
Stardate 2253: "Mom! It’s Sam! I got a job! It’s at the Earth Colony II research station. I’ll get to catalogue new species. Oh. I’m so excited. Call me back right away! I love you mom! (beep)"
Stardate 2253: "Mom? It’s Jim. Jimmy. I need a ride. I… I don’t know where I am right now. And I can’t find my shoes. (beep)"
Stardate 2253: "Mom? Can you come pick me up? I need a ride. I can’t find my keys. (beep)"
Stardate 2253: "Mom. I’m going to propose to Aurelan. I don’t think I have ever been so nervous before in my life. What do I do if she says no? Wait. Don't answer that. Never mind. I just need to bite the bullet and do it. (beep)"
Stardate 2253: "Hey, if that blond chick asks for me tell her I died or something. See you for dinner. (beep)"
Stardate 2253: "Mom? It’s Jim. I can’t find my bike. (beep)"
Stardate 2253: "She said yes! Can you believe it? I’m getting married! I’m so excited. We’ll come back to Iowa as soon as we can and you can meet her. You’ll love her, Mom. I just know you will. (beep)"
Stardate 2253: "/This is a call from the Iowa State Police Department. It may be recorded for security purposes/ I’m sorry, okay? It won’t happen again. (beep)"
Stardate 2254: "Mom? I’m at the bar. Can you get me? (beep)"
Stardate 2254: "Mom. I swear. This is the last time. Just come get me. (beep)"
Stardate 2254: "I know you said you were tired of seeing me do this to myself, but I just need another ride. I love you. (beep)"
Stardate 2254: "Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear moooooom, happy birthday to you! It’s Sam! The wife and I wanted to wish you a happy birthday and tell you how much we love you. The wife, how crazy is that? Can I tell her honey? You’re going to be a grandma soon! Isn’t that fantastic? Call me back as soon as you get this. I love you mom! (beep)"
Stardate 2254: "/This is a call from the Iowa State Police Department. It may be recorded for security purposes./ I only need to get bailed out. I got the money. I’ll pay you back when I’m out. Come get me? (beep)"
Stadate 2254: "It’s the last time. I promise. I just need a ride. I’m too drunk. (beep)"
Stardate 2254: "I know, I know I said that was the last time. But after this it will be. I just need some help. Can you come pick me up? I don’t know where I am. Some chick’s apartment on the edge of town. Please come get me. (beep)"
Stardate 2254: "Mom? I’m sorry I know I said I’d stop but I nee-/Are you sure you want to delete this message?/ (beep)"
Stardate 2255: "Winny, it's your mother. Have you seen Jimmy? I heard he was missing. No one has seen him at any of his bars in over two weeks. You don’t suppose he’s dead do you? I wouldn’t supr-/Are you sure you want to delete this message?/ (beep)"
Stardate 2255: "Mom! It’s a boy! He’s absolutely beautiful. As soon as you can, you need to come out and visit him. We’re going to name him after Dad. You need to see him. Pictures don’t do him justice. He’s so beautiful. Call me back. Love you! You’re a grandma, can you believe it? (beep)"
Stardate 2255: "Mom, it’s Jim. I heard you’d been looking for me. Don't worry, I'm not dead. I'm in San Francisco. I enlisted in Starfleet. I... I want you to be proud. You and Dad. (beep)"
Stardate 2255: "Okay, Mom. Got some good news, and some bad news. Bad news: got into a barfight. Good news: I won. Better news? Tops marks in all of my classes. Proud of me yet? (beep)"
Stardate 2256: "I failed the Kobayashi Maru. Call me back. (beep)"
Stardate 2256: "Mom? Sam. You'll be getting another grandkid to spoil for Christmas! (beep)"
Stardate 2256: "I'm taking the test again. Wish me luck. (beep)"
Stardate 2256: "Failed. I'll get it next time. How's Sammy and the kid? (beep)"
Stardate 2256: "It's another boy! We're not sure what to name him yet, we were thinking about Peter. Call me back and tell me what you think. I love you Mom. (beep)"
Stardate 2257: "I passed. (beep)"
Stardate 2257: "Hey Mom. There is going to be an academic hearing about me actually beating that damn test. Nothing to worry about. I'll call you back as soon as I can. Love you Mom. (beep)"
Stardate 2257: "I'm not dead, but I can't talk right now. I'll call you back right away. (beep)"
Stardate 2257: "Sweetheart? It's your mother. Did you hear? Jimmy made Captain. I always knew he had it in him. Never for a second did I ever dou-/Are you sure you want to delete this message?/ (beep)"
Stardate 2257: "Hey Mom, it's Jim. I got some important news. Call me back when you can- Jimmy! You still there? Oh, Mom! Do I have a story for you: (beep)"