(no subject)
let me tell you a little bit about my dog, tanner.
he's the sweetest dog you've ever seen in you life. never barks at anything and will always cuddle without protest if you want to. he's got the most innocent amber eyes and the softest beige fur. he's a HUGE dog, terrifying if you don't know him. but he has the biggest heart you've ever seen.
he was steven's dog.
steven and his family wanted to abandon him in the country. put him in their truck and toss him near the interstate. the day before the drive, steven asked if i wanted him. i said yes, and brought him to meet my father. my father fell in love with tanner and took him on the spot.
steven never came over to be with the dog. if he did, it was because he wanted to bum a cigarette from my dad, or ask for computer help.
so tonight, i took tanner for a walk. steven and i are on good terms. he told me he loved me the last time we hung out, but that's okay, right? that doesn't mean anything, right? i walk past steven's house with the dog and knock on his door. steven's father answers. steven's not home. he'll have him call me later.
hours go by, and finally, a very intoxicated steven calls me. "hey babe." i shake my head. i know this voice, and i hate it. "can i come over?" and what the fuck am i supposed to say to that.
so i go outside with tanner to meet him. he comes stumbling from stage left. i grimace, knowing where this always ends up. the dog growls like i've never heard. it's like he knows the scent of cheap vodka and heroin. yes, heroin. yes, steven does heroin. yes, steven just left rehab. yes, steven tries to convince me "it was one time, babe. it was a week ago, babe." and what the fuck am i supposed to say to that.
"i have so much respect for you. i see that you're going to accomplish so much. you've got so much potential. when you're there making it big, i wanna be sitting there in front of you, turning to the next guy and saying 'yeah, she's cool. i love her.'" and he laughs some fucking drunken laugh that i remember from three years ago when my hair was long and my heart was new. and i fucking smile at him.
"oh my god, steven, what happened to your finger?" "oh, ha. funny story, i was doing heroin last week and i cut it on some glass in my closet! the sink is filled with blood and everyone is freaking out." "yeah, real fuckin' funny." tanner has his head in steven's lap, looking up with those innocent amber eyes, and cowering under steven's rough touch. steven looks down. "i know boy. i'm sorry." "what are you sorry for?" "i fucked up. i'm sorry i hit you boy." "you should be, he's an innocent dog and you hit him. he did nothing to you." "i know."
i swear i could hit him in the fucking mouth, knock that stupid fucking smirk off of his face.
"i've lost all hope. can i give you a hug?" and what the fuck... so i stand up and put an arm around him, awkwardly, hesitantly, scared. he wraps his arms around me, a good foot taller than me... am i supposed to say to that. he's sweaty, he's run from his house to mine. sweat clings to his greasy black hair and everything is a haze. sophomore year, so close to losing my everything to this boy, countless nights crying into a fucking pillow that could never understand, that won't ever understand. and he presses his head into my shoulder, the dog pacing around his feet, silent as ever, wagging his tail like i've never seen. steven's stupid greasy black hair is in my eyes now, and he's pulled his head up.
he kisses my cheek.
fuck hollywood, and fuck everything you've ever known about sentimentality.
this boy's got it down to a science.
"come on, tanner!" and the dog runs after him happily. wagging and grinning in a way that's only human.
i stand there, hands twisting in my pockets, tearing my palms to shreds. the boy i loved is going away, and the second-hand dog is following him.
and i'm just standing there.
for best results, blink quickly.
i ran. feet pound against the cement and the only things i see are shadows, greasy black hair, innocent amber eyes, a bushy tail waving frantically in the wind, a desperate flag of surrender. "don't mind me hailey, i'm just leaving you there to wonder why this boy's come back into your life and taken me away again. back to the beatings and starvation and neglect and mean words."
and i yell after steven. "you can't leave with my dog!" it's weak, but i'm near tears now. "yeah, i know. i'm leaving now." i take tanner by the collar and lead him back down the block to my house. he's growling at me now, turning his head to watch steven walk back towards his house. the dog won't stop resisting. "please tanner, come on." he's growling at me. tail between his legs.
i open the door and lose my fucking mind. i just lay on the carpet, something like regret and anguish streaming down my cheeks. i've made some comparisons.
i'm a dog. i'm a dog that steven never cared about, and left me alone with people i didn't know, but cared for me more than steven ever did.
steven never wants to see me, and when he does, it's so that he can get something out of me. he tells me he loves me, sure. but it's just so that he can use me to the point where i'm giving everything i've got so that he won't go home and overdose.
i'm a dog. he's hurt me ever since i've known him, but every time he comes around, i smile and i'm so happy to see him. and when someone who legitimately loves me tries to pull me away, i growl. i'll always turn my head around to see if he's still there.
tanner hasn't moved from the door since we came inside an hour ago.
and what the fuck am i supposed to say to that.
he's the sweetest dog you've ever seen in you life. never barks at anything and will always cuddle without protest if you want to. he's got the most innocent amber eyes and the softest beige fur. he's a HUGE dog, terrifying if you don't know him. but he has the biggest heart you've ever seen.
he was steven's dog.
steven and his family wanted to abandon him in the country. put him in their truck and toss him near the interstate. the day before the drive, steven asked if i wanted him. i said yes, and brought him to meet my father. my father fell in love with tanner and took him on the spot.
steven never came over to be with the dog. if he did, it was because he wanted to bum a cigarette from my dad, or ask for computer help.
so tonight, i took tanner for a walk. steven and i are on good terms. he told me he loved me the last time we hung out, but that's okay, right? that doesn't mean anything, right? i walk past steven's house with the dog and knock on his door. steven's father answers. steven's not home. he'll have him call me later.
hours go by, and finally, a very intoxicated steven calls me. "hey babe." i shake my head. i know this voice, and i hate it. "can i come over?" and what the fuck am i supposed to say to that.
so i go outside with tanner to meet him. he comes stumbling from stage left. i grimace, knowing where this always ends up. the dog growls like i've never heard. it's like he knows the scent of cheap vodka and heroin. yes, heroin. yes, steven does heroin. yes, steven just left rehab. yes, steven tries to convince me "it was one time, babe. it was a week ago, babe." and what the fuck am i supposed to say to that.
"i have so much respect for you. i see that you're going to accomplish so much. you've got so much potential. when you're there making it big, i wanna be sitting there in front of you, turning to the next guy and saying 'yeah, she's cool. i love her.'" and he laughs some fucking drunken laugh that i remember from three years ago when my hair was long and my heart was new. and i fucking smile at him.
"oh my god, steven, what happened to your finger?" "oh, ha. funny story, i was doing heroin last week and i cut it on some glass in my closet! the sink is filled with blood and everyone is freaking out." "yeah, real fuckin' funny." tanner has his head in steven's lap, looking up with those innocent amber eyes, and cowering under steven's rough touch. steven looks down. "i know boy. i'm sorry." "what are you sorry for?" "i fucked up. i'm sorry i hit you boy." "you should be, he's an innocent dog and you hit him. he did nothing to you." "i know."
i swear i could hit him in the fucking mouth, knock that stupid fucking smirk off of his face.
"i've lost all hope. can i give you a hug?" and what the fuck... so i stand up and put an arm around him, awkwardly, hesitantly, scared. he wraps his arms around me, a good foot taller than me... am i supposed to say to that. he's sweaty, he's run from his house to mine. sweat clings to his greasy black hair and everything is a haze. sophomore year, so close to losing my everything to this boy, countless nights crying into a fucking pillow that could never understand, that won't ever understand. and he presses his head into my shoulder, the dog pacing around his feet, silent as ever, wagging his tail like i've never seen. steven's stupid greasy black hair is in my eyes now, and he's pulled his head up.
he kisses my cheek.
fuck hollywood, and fuck everything you've ever known about sentimentality.
this boy's got it down to a science.
"come on, tanner!" and the dog runs after him happily. wagging and grinning in a way that's only human.
i stand there, hands twisting in my pockets, tearing my palms to shreds. the boy i loved is going away, and the second-hand dog is following him.
and i'm just standing there.
for best results, blink quickly.
i ran. feet pound against the cement and the only things i see are shadows, greasy black hair, innocent amber eyes, a bushy tail waving frantically in the wind, a desperate flag of surrender. "don't mind me hailey, i'm just leaving you there to wonder why this boy's come back into your life and taken me away again. back to the beatings and starvation and neglect and mean words."
and i yell after steven. "you can't leave with my dog!" it's weak, but i'm near tears now. "yeah, i know. i'm leaving now." i take tanner by the collar and lead him back down the block to my house. he's growling at me now, turning his head to watch steven walk back towards his house. the dog won't stop resisting. "please tanner, come on." he's growling at me. tail between his legs.
i open the door and lose my fucking mind. i just lay on the carpet, something like regret and anguish streaming down my cheeks. i've made some comparisons.
i'm a dog. i'm a dog that steven never cared about, and left me alone with people i didn't know, but cared for me more than steven ever did.
steven never wants to see me, and when he does, it's so that he can get something out of me. he tells me he loves me, sure. but it's just so that he can use me to the point where i'm giving everything i've got so that he won't go home and overdose.
i'm a dog. he's hurt me ever since i've known him, but every time he comes around, i smile and i'm so happy to see him. and when someone who legitimately loves me tries to pull me away, i growl. i'll always turn my head around to see if he's still there.
tanner hasn't moved from the door since we came inside an hour ago.
and what the fuck am i supposed to say to that.