Why don't I sleep through the night?
Seriously, this is getting old. My body does not, actually, I think it
is incapable of staying asleep for longer than 2 hours without a drug.
When I take my sleeping pill, I stay asleep for about 13 hours
straight, but without it, I sleep maybe 3 hours-tops. I can't take my
sleeping pill during the week cuz then I'd never get up in time for
school, and I'd be drowsy until about 3rd period anyway. My mom says
it's all the medicines I'm on, and all the caffiene I drink, and I
might be...all I know is that it really sux and I hate it!
Speaking of the meds...I realized, in the bathroom yesterday making sure I looked presentable, that my body runs entirely on chemicals. Antidepressant to be "happy," adderall to make me sit still and focus, abilify to help get rid of my distorted thinking, clarinex to control my allergies, oscal to make sure my bones don't break(due to the fact that I don't eat dairy-I just don't like it), diet coke and diet mountain dew to stay awake during school, sleeping pills to help me sleep...omg-what the fuck is this?!?!?! Does my body just not function by itself?!?!? I mean, I guess this is all OK considering the fact that my doctor put me on EVERYTHING, so I guess he knows what he's doing, but still, it's kinda scary.
I'm super excited for Thanksgiving this year! It's really special because it's been exactly one year since I was in the hospital, and now I'm not there, so I'm HOME for the holiday!!! I get to see everyone from college, and show everyone at dinner(the huge feast) how well I'm doing, and prove that I can eat a piece of pumpkin pie and be OK with it. I went into the hospital last year on the monday right before Thanksgiving. So, monday night, I just laid in my bed smiling because I remembered that at that exact time I was laying in the hospital bed crying, and this monday before the thursday, I'm not. I'm curled up in my own bed with my Egyptian cotton sheets, with my parents down the hall, Brian next door, and it's just so great. Yay for being healthy!
So, I have no idea what we're doing in math class, NO IDEA! And, by that, I mean that I can't even try to attempt to do the homework. And math is usually my best subject, so we know something's wrong. I just hate the feeling of going to sleep without everything being done. I guess it just worries me.
This time of year is a love/hate relationship for me. I love it cuz, well, it's the holidays and who doesn't love that? But I hate it because this is the one time of the year(now)that I'm reminded of Anna. I've actually been doing really really well in that department...I mean, it's basically like if she's willing to talk to me again, then great, and if not, well, that's great too. It's just this time of year reminds me of her, so I'm curious to see if I'm gonna be triggered. I would love to see her randomly and see if I get triggered, or talk to her and see if it still makes me wanna talk more, and I'm actually looking foward to the holiday season because it's the true test of if I'm over this or not. I dunno-I feel like this whole situation happened for the better-I learned a lot about myself through it, and what is socially acceptable and unacceptable. I mean, yeah-it was hell, but I think it's made me a stronger person and able to deal with things more rationally. Or maybe it's the meds...who knows?
I updated my facebook pic...http://i30-6.facebook.com/pics/0/0/n1230930063_7458.jpg Everyone says it's a good pic, but I dunno. This whole LJ link thing isn't working, so I guess just copy and paste it if you wanna see it...or just look at my facebook!
Time to try to go back to sleep...doubtful tho.
Speaking of the meds...I realized, in the bathroom yesterday making sure I looked presentable, that my body runs entirely on chemicals. Antidepressant to be "happy," adderall to make me sit still and focus, abilify to help get rid of my distorted thinking, clarinex to control my allergies, oscal to make sure my bones don't break(due to the fact that I don't eat dairy-I just don't like it), diet coke and diet mountain dew to stay awake during school, sleeping pills to help me sleep...omg-what the fuck is this?!?!?! Does my body just not function by itself?!?!? I mean, I guess this is all OK considering the fact that my doctor put me on EVERYTHING, so I guess he knows what he's doing, but still, it's kinda scary.
I'm super excited for Thanksgiving this year! It's really special because it's been exactly one year since I was in the hospital, and now I'm not there, so I'm HOME for the holiday!!! I get to see everyone from college, and show everyone at dinner(the huge feast) how well I'm doing, and prove that I can eat a piece of pumpkin pie and be OK with it. I went into the hospital last year on the monday right before Thanksgiving. So, monday night, I just laid in my bed smiling because I remembered that at that exact time I was laying in the hospital bed crying, and this monday before the thursday, I'm not. I'm curled up in my own bed with my Egyptian cotton sheets, with my parents down the hall, Brian next door, and it's just so great. Yay for being healthy!
So, I have no idea what we're doing in math class, NO IDEA! And, by that, I mean that I can't even try to attempt to do the homework. And math is usually my best subject, so we know something's wrong. I just hate the feeling of going to sleep without everything being done. I guess it just worries me.
This time of year is a love/hate relationship for me. I love it cuz, well, it's the holidays and who doesn't love that? But I hate it because this is the one time of the year(now)that I'm reminded of Anna. I've actually been doing really really well in that department...I mean, it's basically like if she's willing to talk to me again, then great, and if not, well, that's great too. It's just this time of year reminds me of her, so I'm curious to see if I'm gonna be triggered. I would love to see her randomly and see if I get triggered, or talk to her and see if it still makes me wanna talk more, and I'm actually looking foward to the holiday season because it's the true test of if I'm over this or not. I dunno-I feel like this whole situation happened for the better-I learned a lot about myself through it, and what is socially acceptable and unacceptable. I mean, yeah-it was hell, but I think it's made me a stronger person and able to deal with things more rationally. Or maybe it's the meds...who knows?
I updated my facebook pic...http://i30-6.facebook.com/pics/0/0/n1230930063_7458.jpg Everyone says it's a good pic, but I dunno. This whole LJ link thing isn't working, so I guess just copy and paste it if you wanna see it...or just look at my facebook!
Time to try to go back to sleep...doubtful tho.