less than opulent
This is where the ennui part of my mind enters and I can't sleep. Those looking for a cheery post, do not read any further.
Here it goes:
I remember joking with Paul last year about me being "Cranky Aunt Jeannine" who has traveled the world with a satisfying career (this is wishful thinking at the moment-being able to travel and have a great career-not the cranky part) with no family. Her friends have "settled down", had a handful of kids who refer to her/me as "Cranky Aunt Jeannine". Yeah we had a good laugh about that. Tonight in my restlessness, I let my mind drift into a scenario quite familiar in the past few years...the close ones who leave. This all started when I was thinking about the affection I have been missing, I don't need constant affection; I'm not high maintenance in that way. I just want a hug...a few hugs...it's something I'm used to. I grew up with affectionate grandparents and family members and I still need that in my life. Since living in Columbus I haven't had much of that. There have been times where I was so close to driving home (3 hours-not too long but long enough) just to hug my Mom. I know some people who weren't raised that way and don't need that affection and I am just not that type of person. This is just leading to the first part-the people I became close with, the people with whom I have this exchange with, always leave. Now, I'm facing this again. This affection (which is ironically hard for me to establish with people) became pieces of my heart. Whether it's a family member, a friend, etc.-a piece of my heart is chipped away when they leave. What happens if all of those pieces are gone? I just don't know how much more is left. I'm not saying there isn't much of anything left but, I just don't know what is left. Is it even possible to be left with nothing? This is where "Cranky Aunt Jeannine" comes into play. Is that what happens to some people? I'm obviously not chipping away pieces of my heart but emotionally speaking, do people become so burnt out on heartbreak, disappointments, and severed relationships that they become irreparably numb? There are people who I've met in the course of my life, some live halfway across the world and they have deeply touched my life. I think about them every day, like when I see something simple like a beverage we shared during a conversation. Or, when the whether is just so I can picture the time when we were just walking around doing nothing in particular, but being very happy. Those pieces are now with them somewhere. Now, I'm facing the same scenario again. Over a year and a half are now moving 5 large states away. Sure they weren't always fond memories, but I'm still saddened by this (I was supposed to go to, and so it's also a sense of rejection). I don't want to be that distant, emotionally cold person watching everything go by, detached, with only memories of happiness fueling numbness. I don't know if any of this really makes sense, but I'm throwing it down here for me mostly. I had to write it out, and maybe now I can fall asleep.
Goodnight chickadees
Here it goes:
I remember joking with Paul last year about me being "Cranky Aunt Jeannine" who has traveled the world with a satisfying career (this is wishful thinking at the moment-being able to travel and have a great career-not the cranky part) with no family. Her friends have "settled down", had a handful of kids who refer to her/me as "Cranky Aunt Jeannine". Yeah we had a good laugh about that. Tonight in my restlessness, I let my mind drift into a scenario quite familiar in the past few years...the close ones who leave. This all started when I was thinking about the affection I have been missing, I don't need constant affection; I'm not high maintenance in that way. I just want a hug...a few hugs...it's something I'm used to. I grew up with affectionate grandparents and family members and I still need that in my life. Since living in Columbus I haven't had much of that. There have been times where I was so close to driving home (3 hours-not too long but long enough) just to hug my Mom. I know some people who weren't raised that way and don't need that affection and I am just not that type of person. This is just leading to the first part-the people I became close with, the people with whom I have this exchange with, always leave. Now, I'm facing this again. This affection (which is ironically hard for me to establish with people) became pieces of my heart. Whether it's a family member, a friend, etc.-a piece of my heart is chipped away when they leave. What happens if all of those pieces are gone? I just don't know how much more is left. I'm not saying there isn't much of anything left but, I just don't know what is left. Is it even possible to be left with nothing? This is where "Cranky Aunt Jeannine" comes into play. Is that what happens to some people? I'm obviously not chipping away pieces of my heart but emotionally speaking, do people become so burnt out on heartbreak, disappointments, and severed relationships that they become irreparably numb? There are people who I've met in the course of my life, some live halfway across the world and they have deeply touched my life. I think about them every day, like when I see something simple like a beverage we shared during a conversation. Or, when the whether is just so I can picture the time when we were just walking around doing nothing in particular, but being very happy. Those pieces are now with them somewhere. Now, I'm facing the same scenario again. Over a year and a half are now moving 5 large states away. Sure they weren't always fond memories, but I'm still saddened by this (I was supposed to go to, and so it's also a sense of rejection). I don't want to be that distant, emotionally cold person watching everything go by, detached, with only memories of happiness fueling numbness. I don't know if any of this really makes sense, but I'm throwing it down here for me mostly. I had to write it out, and maybe now I can fall asleep.
Goodnight chickadees