momma
Well I was in the right place at the right time today, twice.
I got a phone call at work. At our last work meeting we were told to keep the phones on silent... well I forgot to turn mine off and I got a phone call. A few of us have the same ringtone so we all start teasing one another about it and checking our purses and it turns out to be mine. I look to see who it is and its my house. Mom was the only one at home today and it was weird because if the folks know when I go in and when I get off that day, they never call. Feeling like something was up I called mom back and she said I needed to come home immediately, we had to go to the hospital. I rush home. The mustang hit at least 100 on the interstate. I get home, mom's packed up and we head on out. I stayed with her at the hospital for three hours. My grandma came down from Mississippi and dad came straight there from work. I'm home now supposed to be studying for this killer western civ test but I just can't make myself concentrate. My mind is racing.
Mom's not getting any better. In fact she's much worse. The doctors do nothing but focus on what is right in front of their faces... adhesions and the magnesium deficiency. There is such a worse problem that lays beneath the surface. I believe my mom's kidneys are shutting down.
I feel alone. I've been prepared for my mom to die since I was thirteen. It is so hard to deal with bracing yourself for the worst.. especially for six years. It is especially hard for me because I always pull back from my emotions. I never talk about how it feels. I rarely cry. I just write.
I left the hospital tonight upset. I wonder why this all happens to my mom. Why isn't there a cure? Why my family? Why to me?
It hurts so bad to watch someone you love slowly die and know there is nothing you can do to help.
I saw Mr. Donald tonight in a grocery store. I'm so happy I saw him... it's like he just saw right through my happy exterior. He just hugged me. I could've cried. He asked me about mom, I asked him about Travis. I feel such a bond with that man because he knows exactly what I am dealing with. He just hugged me and told me to tell her how I feel about her before she passes away. It was a bit odd to be having that kind of convo in a grocery store, but it helps.
Everyone knows mom's illness is coming to a head.. everyone feels like this time is different. Things are different. Will she die? I don't know. I just know that she struggles through daily pain for me. To see her little girl grow up. Her biggest desire was to see me graduate high school. Now she wants to see me be a nurse, have a husband and kids.... will she though? It's just so special and painful for me to know that she does everything she does for ME.
And people just don't understand that. I called Jessi's house the other day looking for her and Granny talked to me. She asked about that mom. When I told her she was in the hospital, she went on a tangent about not knowing how that woman lived the way she did -- why did she want to be alive? I didn't get rude, I was just in awe that someone judged someone else's life like that. It is so unfair that this illness has plagued not only my mom but my whole family. I question why its happened to us... but I know the purpose of all of this will reveal itself one day. It does reveal itself time to time... If mom hadn't been ill, they wouldn't have adopted me. They saved my life.
I hate it so much that my relationship with my mom has revolved around doctor's visits instead of shopping trips. I hate that she's always in a hospital bed. I hate the fact that I'm so comfortable in a hospital because of it. I hate thatwe missed out on so much together. I hate the drugs she has to take. I hate people feeling sorry for me because of it. I hate that the third sentence out of someone's mouth is "How is your mom?" I HATE THAT WE MISSED OUT ON SO MUCH TOGETHER!!!
I do feel like my mom will die if something major doesn't happen soon. We have to, the doctors have to start looking further. We've been dealing with the obvious for awhile now and other things are failing. I feel like if she doesn't get surgery soon, she's going to die. The doctors feel like if she has surgery, she will die. But shouldn't she die trying to better herself?!
I just wish I knew how to make everything okay.
I got a phone call at work. At our last work meeting we were told to keep the phones on silent... well I forgot to turn mine off and I got a phone call. A few of us have the same ringtone so we all start teasing one another about it and checking our purses and it turns out to be mine. I look to see who it is and its my house. Mom was the only one at home today and it was weird because if the folks know when I go in and when I get off that day, they never call. Feeling like something was up I called mom back and she said I needed to come home immediately, we had to go to the hospital. I rush home. The mustang hit at least 100 on the interstate. I get home, mom's packed up and we head on out. I stayed with her at the hospital for three hours. My grandma came down from Mississippi and dad came straight there from work. I'm home now supposed to be studying for this killer western civ test but I just can't make myself concentrate. My mind is racing.
Mom's not getting any better. In fact she's much worse. The doctors do nothing but focus on what is right in front of their faces... adhesions and the magnesium deficiency. There is such a worse problem that lays beneath the surface. I believe my mom's kidneys are shutting down.
I feel alone. I've been prepared for my mom to die since I was thirteen. It is so hard to deal with bracing yourself for the worst.. especially for six years. It is especially hard for me because I always pull back from my emotions. I never talk about how it feels. I rarely cry. I just write.
I left the hospital tonight upset. I wonder why this all happens to my mom. Why isn't there a cure? Why my family? Why to me?
It hurts so bad to watch someone you love slowly die and know there is nothing you can do to help.
I saw Mr. Donald tonight in a grocery store. I'm so happy I saw him... it's like he just saw right through my happy exterior. He just hugged me. I could've cried. He asked me about mom, I asked him about Travis. I feel such a bond with that man because he knows exactly what I am dealing with. He just hugged me and told me to tell her how I feel about her before she passes away. It was a bit odd to be having that kind of convo in a grocery store, but it helps.
Everyone knows mom's illness is coming to a head.. everyone feels like this time is different. Things are different. Will she die? I don't know. I just know that she struggles through daily pain for me. To see her little girl grow up. Her biggest desire was to see me graduate high school. Now she wants to see me be a nurse, have a husband and kids.... will she though? It's just so special and painful for me to know that she does everything she does for ME.
And people just don't understand that. I called Jessi's house the other day looking for her and Granny talked to me. She asked about that mom. When I told her she was in the hospital, she went on a tangent about not knowing how that woman lived the way she did -- why did she want to be alive? I didn't get rude, I was just in awe that someone judged someone else's life like that. It is so unfair that this illness has plagued not only my mom but my whole family. I question why its happened to us... but I know the purpose of all of this will reveal itself one day. It does reveal itself time to time... If mom hadn't been ill, they wouldn't have adopted me. They saved my life.
I hate it so much that my relationship with my mom has revolved around doctor's visits instead of shopping trips. I hate that she's always in a hospital bed. I hate the fact that I'm so comfortable in a hospital because of it. I hate thatwe missed out on so much together. I hate the drugs she has to take. I hate people feeling sorry for me because of it. I hate that the third sentence out of someone's mouth is "How is your mom?" I HATE THAT WE MISSED OUT ON SO MUCH TOGETHER!!!
I do feel like my mom will die if something major doesn't happen soon. We have to, the doctors have to start looking further. We've been dealing with the obvious for awhile now and other things are failing. I feel like if she doesn't get surgery soon, she's going to die. The doctors feel like if she has surgery, she will die. But shouldn't she die trying to better herself?!
I just wish I knew how to make everything okay.