(no subject)
Alright, I'll warn you now. This shit is gonna get deep and psychological and probably pretty damn boring for you. If you endure though, I'll try to keep it light and fun.
I've figured out a lot of things about myself this past month, I think. Like why my relationships fail, for example. There are two main reasons, and if these seem obvious to you, shut the fuck up, because this is self exploration. So take that.
1. Remember that overused saying "You can't love someone else until you love yourself"? Yeah, I've spent years saying that it was a piece of crap. And I still do. You can still love another person with all your heart and not love yourself. That's all nice and fine, but can that love be sustained like that? I've discovered, at least for me, it fuckin can't. The biggest hurdle for me in my relationships, when all is said and done, is me not trusting them? Why? I don't understand them, and you can't trust something you don't understand. Or at least you shouldn't. Why don't I understand? Because someone said that they love me. What's so difficult about understanding that, Shannon? You're fun, you're cute, you're oh so sassy and crazy and unpredictable! Well, yes, I know. I'm likable (and arrogant, to boot) but someone who sees every angle of me, all the fucked up things I've done, people I've hurt, shit I've left in my wake... they can see all that and love me? I'm being played. You are fucking with me. (There needs to be a Fuck Tally. FT is currently at 5) There is no way you could see how mercilessly I've broken hearts and been a big ass hypocrite and lied and cheated and got away with all of it and still manage to love this. You're fucking nuts.(FT: 6) Something is either very very wrong with you, or you want something from me, or you only want my body. As soon as you start loving me, I don't trust you. I don't trust you... well... disastrous things happen.
2. My education has shaped me. That's not a problem, that's a good thing, but it's had a very interesting effect on who I am. I'm at Rollins College, a liberal arts school, because I am a Liberal Arts person. I want some of everything. I mean, IB was like that too, wasn't it? Let us open our minds to maybe different ages, truly round out a person's character instead of being the master of one thing. That's how I like it. All fuckin (FT: 7) hippie dippy do. But it bleeds into my very character. I want to do everything, experience everything (oh, what an actress I am at heart.) For those nerds out there (none of whom will get this reference) I am a Sensate, from Planescape: Torment. To experience everything, you need to be everything. Cruel, judgmental, sacrificing, victimized, hypocritical, honest, forgiving, jealous, saucy, uninventive, perceptive, obscene, oblivious, arrogant, meek, hyper, loud, reserved, opinionated, generous, thoughtful, normal. I say so often that I feel like two different people, because I think in a sense I am. I want to emotionally explore every fuckin (FT: 8) angle I can, so I go to extremes in every direction. And I think I live out those different version of myself with different groups of friends. Around one group I'm downright boring, but I'm organized and efficient. Another group sees the opposite. And I guess that's where I go wrong with getting really close to people. I mean, I like to think I have a lot of friends. There are a lot of people I care about. And with friends, you can hang out with them when THAT You is present. But with romance... You play one note for two long and you want something different. That's how I can date such a fuckin (FT: 9) SPECTRUM of people. THIS PARAGRAPH IS TOO LONG I'M GETTING TIRED OF IT.
I like to think often times that I am chaos. But there is so much about me that's predictable. Maybe I'm balance, but most people looking at me would not find balance in me.
EH. I need one more to have an even number. Fuck. (FT: 10)
Things I've said recently that are very true: I have a very good feeling about life right now.
I've grown a ton this past year.
I am happy.
One more thing:
I've figured out a lot of things about myself this past month, I think. Like why my relationships fail, for example. There are two main reasons, and if these seem obvious to you, shut the fuck up, because this is self exploration. So take that.
1. Remember that overused saying "You can't love someone else until you love yourself"? Yeah, I've spent years saying that it was a piece of crap. And I still do. You can still love another person with all your heart and not love yourself. That's all nice and fine, but can that love be sustained like that? I've discovered, at least for me, it fuckin can't. The biggest hurdle for me in my relationships, when all is said and done, is me not trusting them? Why? I don't understand them, and you can't trust something you don't understand. Or at least you shouldn't. Why don't I understand? Because someone said that they love me. What's so difficult about understanding that, Shannon? You're fun, you're cute, you're oh so sassy and crazy and unpredictable! Well, yes, I know. I'm likable (and arrogant, to boot) but someone who sees every angle of me, all the fucked up things I've done, people I've hurt, shit I've left in my wake... they can see all that and love me? I'm being played. You are fucking with me. (There needs to be a Fuck Tally. FT is currently at 5) There is no way you could see how mercilessly I've broken hearts and been a big ass hypocrite and lied and cheated and got away with all of it and still manage to love this. You're fucking nuts.(FT: 6) Something is either very very wrong with you, or you want something from me, or you only want my body. As soon as you start loving me, I don't trust you. I don't trust you... well... disastrous things happen.
2. My education has shaped me. That's not a problem, that's a good thing, but it's had a very interesting effect on who I am. I'm at Rollins College, a liberal arts school, because I am a Liberal Arts person. I want some of everything. I mean, IB was like that too, wasn't it? Let us open our minds to maybe different ages, truly round out a person's character instead of being the master of one thing. That's how I like it. All fuckin (FT: 7) hippie dippy do. But it bleeds into my very character. I want to do everything, experience everything (oh, what an actress I am at heart.) For those nerds out there (none of whom will get this reference) I am a Sensate, from Planescape: Torment. To experience everything, you need to be everything. Cruel, judgmental, sacrificing, victimized, hypocritical, honest, forgiving, jealous, saucy, uninventive, perceptive, obscene, oblivious, arrogant, meek, hyper, loud, reserved, opinionated, generous, thoughtful, normal. I say so often that I feel like two different people, because I think in a sense I am. I want to emotionally explore every fuckin (FT: 8) angle I can, so I go to extremes in every direction. And I think I live out those different version of myself with different groups of friends. Around one group I'm downright boring, but I'm organized and efficient. Another group sees the opposite. And I guess that's where I go wrong with getting really close to people. I mean, I like to think I have a lot of friends. There are a lot of people I care about. And with friends, you can hang out with them when THAT You is present. But with romance... You play one note for two long and you want something different. That's how I can date such a fuckin (FT: 9) SPECTRUM of people. THIS PARAGRAPH IS TOO LONG I'M GETTING TIRED OF IT.
I like to think often times that I am chaos. But there is so much about me that's predictable. Maybe I'm balance, but most people looking at me would not find balance in me.
EH. I need one more to have an even number. Fuck. (FT: 10)
Things I've said recently that are very true: I have a very good feeling about life right now.
I've grown a ton this past year.
I am happy.
One more thing: