Teachin' Screech
A few months ago, I was contacted by a textbook publisher about a column I wrote in college for the S'News (see here, ignore the horrendous picture). They wanted to use it in an anthology of writings for a college writing class. I wrote about it here; at the time, I thought it was a scam.
But today, I got my book in the mail! My column is printed, along with an interview with me, some vocabulary words used in my column, an explanation of how I used persuasive writing and a bunch of essay questions analyzing my writing.
In the interview, they asked me about the response I got for the column, and I included an e-mail editored sent me:
"Deer Ms. England,
You're column of the 14th was absolutely transpired. I especially liked the way in witch u pointed out people's common failings that even spell-czech wont catch. I hope u find many dates in the future who either already appreciate or grow too realize the true beauty of grammer.
Thank's for the laughs, witch made me disrupt the quite calm of are newsroom here in South Bend."
It's so funny to read some of these essay questions, which break apart my writing like it's a piece of 19th-century literature, not a grammar-rant column about online dating and "Saved by the Bell" written in less than an hour.
But who am I to kid? I'm so excited.
Here is a sampling of some of the essay questions, taken from "America Now."
"In paragraph 4, Englund says of e-mail dating, 'Although these love letters generally aren't written on parchment with quill pens, many first impressions are based solely on how you express yourselves through the English language.' Why use the words parchment and quill pens? What assumption is she making about the physical conditions of the intimate love letters or what is known as their textuality? How does e-mail differ from her notion of what love letters should be?"
"Englund goads her readers to be more romantically desirable by making a literary allusion, an indirect reference to literature when she states, 'Be the Internet Romeo we all know you can be.' What is an Internet Romeo? Do you think this is a good role model? Are you convinced by this allusion to follow Englund's rules? Why or why not?"
"What assumptions does Englund make about Craig based on his grammar? Do you think she is correct? Is she fair? What assumptions do you make about a person with bad grammar?"
"Englund uses a simile to decribe how bad grammar creates a particular image or persona of the writer in paragraph 6 when she states that 'it makes as bad of an impression as a guy wearing a muscle shirt and daisy dukes to a swank club.' What visual image do you get from this simile? WHat are the implications of this image? Is it an apt simile? Does this simile make you side with Englund's view of Craig?"
"Englund includes a direct address to her would-be suitor Craig: 'Sorry, Craig. You seem a little "to dumb" to date.' Why does she directly address Craig rather than her readers? What does this address make you think or feel about Englund? About Craig?"
"When Englund lists examples of good grammar and bad grammar, she uses two characters from the television high school comedy Saved by the Bell. The first, Zack Morris, was considered the attractive male lead of the show, and the second, Screech Powers, was the awkward nerdy character. How effective do you think it is that she uses television characters to characterize and personalize grammar rules? How do the characters' traits and voices make you feel about the grammar rules?"
And my favorite, because I've definitely had to write essay questions like this about real writers, like, um, Hemingway:
"Englund, who obviously knows the rules of grammar, makes certain judgments about Craig throughout the article, but how does she represent herself through her writing? Reread her essay, noting particular instances where you feel strongly about Englund. Look at her word choice or diction. What does her choice of words imply about her? Look at her sentences -- are they long or short, complex or simple? What do their structures, as well as the structures of her paragraphs, say about her? Finally, look at her overall argument. Does she prove her argument? Are you persuaded by her?"