Auf! Kundry! Auf! Der Winter floh, und Lenz ist da!
There was a maiden that strayed among the corn, and sighed; then grew a new birth, a narcissus, and therein she forgot her sighing and her loneliness.
Even instantly rode Hades heavily upon her, and ravished her away.
Everyone has had their say.
And I am yet speechless.
And every time I groped for the words,
they caught in my throat
like broken glass.
And though, my love, every waking moment
I see you from the corner of my eye
hear your footfall on every floor
I do not see you in my dreams.
Only the empty, lonely house and us
your empty, lonely lovers
who toil and weep and pick and sift
and sort you into piles.
Monday, May 16th 2006 ev
Ah, Moon of my Delight who know'st no wane,
The Moon of Heav'n is rising once again:
How oft hereafter rising shall she look
Through this same Garden after me -- in vain!
And when like her, Marfiza, you shall pass
Among the Guests star-scatter'd on the Grass,
And in your joyous errand reach the spot
Where we made one -- turn down the empty Glass!
Ah, Moon of my Delight who know'st no wane,
The Moon of Heav'n is rising once again:
How oft hereafter rising shall she look
Through this same Garden -- for one of us -- in vain!
I remember when you called me that day
you asked me to buy you some cloves
and come have lunch with you.
And I was running late and you called me boarding the shuttle to see if I was still coming, and I called you back to say I was and I
called you when I arrived and we
had a smoke and went to the cafeteria and we
had BLTs and onion rings and french fries and breakfast sandwiches in the afternoon and we
drank some obscure energy drink we had never tried before and we
joked and laughed and talked about work and we
walked back to your bike and we shared another clove and you
seemed so pensive and lost in thought and we talked about the future
talked about Magick talked about Monsalvat talked about anything and everything
and then we rose, embraced, and kissed and I
said "See you in a few short hours" and you smiled
said "I love you" and I
said "I love you too" and then I
left you to return to work I to your place to feed the cats, await your return after your Corpus Christi rehearsal that night.
You never came home.
I had just concluded a phone conversation with our brother Chris. We had talked about a new Monsalvat project, with you, him and me. At the conclusion of our call I hung up the phone and returned to your computer, inspired and impatient for your arrival and your conversation.
I had no sooner sat down, when there was a knock on the door.
I answered it, and saw on your porch two men in uniform, silhouetted against the falling twilight.
And I did not comprehend.
They introduced themselves, but we knew those uniforms only too well already, you and I, from work.
And still I did not comprehend.
Alameda County Coroner's Office.
And still I did not comprehend.
They asked me if you live here.
And still I did not comprehend.
I said yes.
They asked me if they could come in.
And still I did not comprehend.
I said yes.
They asked me who I was.
And still I did not comprehend.
I told them.
They asked me how I know you.
And still I did not comprehend.
I told them.
They asked me where you work.
And still I did not comprehend.
I told them.
They asked me your phone number.
And still I did not comprehend.
I told them.
They asked me who else was in the house.
And still I did not comprehend.
No one, I said.
One sat down, while the other hovered by the door, surveying the interior.
He sat down and motioned me to have a seat.
And still--still--- I did not comprehend. Up to that moment I still thought this visit was somehow work related.
Sir, he said, it is my sad duty to inform you that Ms. Hussey was killed in a vehicle accident earlier this evening.
And at last did I comprehend.
My memory is a little blurry after this. My life is measured into two halves. The land before that frontier and the country into which I had now crossed.
By the rivers of Babylon, there we sat down, yea, we wept, when we remembered Zion.
We hanged our harps upon the willows in the midst thereof.
For there they that carried us away captive required of us a song; and they that
wasted us required of us mirth, saying, Sing us one of the songs of Zion.
How shall we sing the LORD'S song in a strange land?
If I forget thee, O Jerusalem, let my right hand forget her cunning.
If I do not remember thee, let my tongue cleave to the roof of my mouth; if I prefer not Jerusalem above my chief joy...
I'm pretty sure I lost it.
I seem to remember asking how it happened.
And I seem to remember him saying that you were coming from Livermore onto the 580 when you collided with a dump truck.
And I seem to remember he let me weep in his lap for a bit. His partner strolled uncomfortably through the dining room, gazing dumbly at the thousand and one trophies from a life he could never understand.
I seem to remember him asking me how many animals there were in the house. They might have to take them.
3 cats, I said.
He asked me if I had somewhere to stay tonight.
I said I had planned to stay here tonight. I was waiting for you to come home. I have house keys, have had them for years.
They hesitated a moment.
The 2nd officer said they would at least have to photograph the rooms of the house. I think I said something to the effect that he should go ahead.
He asked me if you had any family.
I said yes, two brothers and a father.
He asked me if they were local.
I said yes, I knew that your brother Colin lived in San Francisco.
He asked me if I had his number.
No, I did not, but I could easily find out.
There are others too who need to know, I said.
The 2nd officer was upstairs now. I could hear his footsteps, and the faint click of a camera shutter and a flash now and again.
From a pocket the officer produced your CA Drivers License, and asked me to ID you from your picture.
I said yes, it was you.
His partner had returned downstairs to join us and asked me if you had any distinctive tattoos.
I think I managed a raspy yes.
A sword on your right forearm, with the legend "For perfect love casteth out fear" in Latin.
On your left, the Graal with the dove of the Holy Spirit shedding seven drops of blood into it with the legend "Behold, I tell you a Mystery. " in Greek.
His face fell even as I spoke, and I choked on my words to see it.
I think he was hoping beyond hope he could tell me this was all a mistake, that someone else had your ID on them, that it was not you bleeding and broken by the side of the freeway.
Crush out the blood of me, as a grape upon the tongue of a white Doric girl that languishes with her lover in the moonlight.
I called Chris back at once, 2040 hrs.
Then I think I called Elton.
I think. I don't remember.
Then I seem to remember Chris arriving.
Then Caitlin and Elton.
Then The AC Coroner left.
My memory is even poorer on what happened next.
At some point Caitlin and Elton left, and Chris and I were alone in the house. I called every friend you and I shared whose number I had.
At some point Chris left.
And I was alone.
I went upstairs and collapsed into your bed, and passed out.
I awoke. And you were still not there.
And in the eye of my imagination I see you die again and again and again
Crush out the blood of me, as a grape upon the tongue of a white Doric girl that languishes with her lover in the moonlight.
And then it's not you but I on that bike
laying it down before the wheel of Juggernaut rushing to kiss me claim me
again and again and again and I
miss you. I miss you Leigh Ann.
Crush out the blood of me, as a grape upon the tongue of a white Doric girl that languishes with her lover in the moonlight.
I miss sneaking out of your bed in the morning to bring you breakfast and coffee and I miss the thousand little private jokes you and I share and I
miss the sound of your bike pulling up in the driveway and I
miss the the silly way you raise you right eyebrow and I
miss the measured cadence of your speech and I
miss your smile and I
miss the sound of you laughing at me and I
miss kissing your nose and I
miss running my fingers through your hair and I
miss your cheek resting on mine and I
miss the Magick we made, the love we made, the rituals rightly performed with joy and beauty,
miss the smell of you the taste of your kiss the sound of you the warmth of you the touch of you the feel of you the depth of you the pain of you the joy of you the fire of you the spirit of you the love of you and I
miss you Leigh Ann I miss you and I
love you Leigh Ann I love you I love you I love you I love you....
And I remember our first kiss on a Winter Solstice at NOX House and I
remember our first picnic and I remember when you said
O honey boy! Bring me Thy cool limbs hither! Let us sit awhile in the orchard, until the sun go down! Let us feast on the cool grass! Bring wine, ye slaves, that the cheeks of my boy may flush red.
and blush I did, and I
remember the first time you said you loved me
when you wept and said you were afraid
afraid that you had fallen in love with me and I
let the words 'I love you too'
roll off my tongue
flee past my lips to freedom
like a songbirds liberated from a cage and I
wept then as I weep now and I
found the volume of Rumi today you gave me so long ago, inscribed in gold ink:
What was it in that candle's light
that opened and consumed me so quickly
There was a a dawn I remember
when my soul heard something
from your soul. I drank water
from your spring and felt
the current take me.
-Rumi
for Samuel, with all my heart.
Summer Solstice, 2001
and the fountain of tears welled up in me again and I blurted out the omitted line,
Come back my friend! The form of our love
is not a created love.
and I play the stupid silly voicemail over and over and over and over just to hear you speak to me again
Oh Leigh Ann Oh Leigh Ann Oh Leigh Ann Oh Leigh Ann Oh Leigh Ann Oh Leigh Ann Oh Leigh Ann Oh Leigh Ann
So when that Angel of the darker Drink
At last shall find you by the river-brink,
And, offering his Cup, invite your Soul
Forth to your Lips to quaff--you shall not shrink.
And now at last those stars whither you lifted your countenance
are your home.
I love you.
Auf! Kundry! Auf! Der Winter floh, und Lenz ist da!
Goodbye my love. You were the bravest, noblest woman I have ever known.
Thank you for loving me.
I love you.