struggling to see the sanity of things...
i don't know what it is.
every so often i get attacked with feelings of inadequacy, loneliness and helplessness... all at the same time. yesterday and most of today i felt happy; tired, but happy. the feelings of inadequacy starting creeping in on me after suddenly being bombarded with many conversations about myspace and friends, and seeing pictures of "pretty" or "hot" (insert your choice adjective here) girls on that particular website. it's not that i am disillusioned, and think that i must be exactly like this so called "hardcore" or just outright scenester girls to be considered beautiful or worthwhile. i know better, or at least, at the forefront of my brain i do. it's my subconscious that likes to fuck around with the rules. these ideas and feelings grow at a subtle rate and then rapidly attack all at once, until i am overwhelmed with emotion. it's brilliant. i wish i had this sort of power on humans.
the feeling of loneliness comes directly from my current friend situation. meaning, i have a lot of okay friends, not any really good ones. my only best friends are hundreds of miles away. when i try to see that special potential in someone, it's not there. normally i wouldn't confront this, i would let it lie and just pretend like everything is fine. but you see, i'm prone to being kicked when i'm down so to speak. that subconscious steps in at the best opportunity for causing me the most stress (and reality checking). same with the helplessness. i work so little, get paid so little; we celebrate now when i have made enough to cover my $166 share of rent. #1, i would prefer to not have to work at ALL but so does everyone else so that idea was abandoned long ago, and #2, not only do i HAVE to work but i have to keep working more and more and all the time i feel like i'm never getting anywhere. helpless.
i feel ugly, and alone, and poor. how fucking fantastic.
what's worse... lately i've felt the urge to paint, or draw, or play music. but seeing as i have no ability in all or most of these things i'm fucked. it feels like dry heaves... or needing to puke but not being able to. or perhaps constipation, whichever analogy fits you best.
life is so fucking fucked up. what is the point? we're all going to die, and by the looks of the world today it's probably going to be a lot sooner than any of us would want. so why are we putting on this fucking production? why don't we all just get right down to it and do exactly what we want to do, when we want to do it, in the limited amount of time we have left?
i'm sorry that anyone reading this had to endure my rant. but i applaud you for getting this far. <3
every so often i get attacked with feelings of inadequacy, loneliness and helplessness... all at the same time. yesterday and most of today i felt happy; tired, but happy. the feelings of inadequacy starting creeping in on me after suddenly being bombarded with many conversations about myspace and friends, and seeing pictures of "pretty" or "hot" (insert your choice adjective here) girls on that particular website. it's not that i am disillusioned, and think that i must be exactly like this so called "hardcore" or just outright scenester girls to be considered beautiful or worthwhile. i know better, or at least, at the forefront of my brain i do. it's my subconscious that likes to fuck around with the rules. these ideas and feelings grow at a subtle rate and then rapidly attack all at once, until i am overwhelmed with emotion. it's brilliant. i wish i had this sort of power on humans.
the feeling of loneliness comes directly from my current friend situation. meaning, i have a lot of okay friends, not any really good ones. my only best friends are hundreds of miles away. when i try to see that special potential in someone, it's not there. normally i wouldn't confront this, i would let it lie and just pretend like everything is fine. but you see, i'm prone to being kicked when i'm down so to speak. that subconscious steps in at the best opportunity for causing me the most stress (and reality checking). same with the helplessness. i work so little, get paid so little; we celebrate now when i have made enough to cover my $166 share of rent. #1, i would prefer to not have to work at ALL but so does everyone else so that idea was abandoned long ago, and #2, not only do i HAVE to work but i have to keep working more and more and all the time i feel like i'm never getting anywhere. helpless.
i feel ugly, and alone, and poor. how fucking fantastic.
what's worse... lately i've felt the urge to paint, or draw, or play music. but seeing as i have no ability in all or most of these things i'm fucked. it feels like dry heaves... or needing to puke but not being able to. or perhaps constipation, whichever analogy fits you best.
life is so fucking fucked up. what is the point? we're all going to die, and by the looks of the world today it's probably going to be a lot sooner than any of us would want. so why are we putting on this fucking production? why don't we all just get right down to it and do exactly what we want to do, when we want to do it, in the limited amount of time we have left?
i'm sorry that anyone reading this had to endure my rant. but i applaud you for getting this far. <3