Post 023: So it has been a while...
Good evening all.
Well, as I have stated previously, it has been a while since I decided to spew my brains and squishy feelings and such into the internet. No particular reason why I haven't been here; it's not like I haven't had things to bitch about.
Oh, if you were curious about that relationship that I was considering breaking up? Yeaaahh... I didn't have to break it up, she did it without me even kissing the guy. So now we are dating, what joy. Except not, because I am pretty sure I am fed up with boys. I mean I like them okay, and sure I wouldn't mind shagging one maybe once or twice, but they are so fucking inconsiderate and uncommunicative and why the fuck do I bother really?
Sorry. I do like him. His name's Dave by the way. And things are going okay, except some things happened and I'm too clingy apparently (this has been brought up before by boys I've dated, so either boys are universally assholes or I am a horror to date). Also I have a drinking problem. These things are not news to me, believe it or not. I am taking steps to fix this. However, I wish that there would be some effort on the other side to fix things as well. Such as, fixing things with the roommate situation, since he's pissed that the apartment is left a fucking mess most times, and the dishes don't get done. Though the past couple days have been getting better. I think Alex talked to him. -Anyway.
But the whole problem is, I think we - I, no definitely we, I'm not taking the whole fraggin' blame for this - rushed into this. I mean I like him as a friend...that I don't really know well yet. Sure, we are super nerds together and enjoy all manner of geektastic things like D&D and FF and Zelda and WoW. This is the basis of a pretty decent friendship. But can we stand each other dating?
I find myself not ... standing up for myself, in the hope that -this is going to sound stupid- he doesn't reject me or make me feel low. And you know what? Behaving like a fucking doormat makes me feel low! In my defence this relationship has been going for all of like three weeks almost a month so it's not like I know how far to push before I push too far. How much of an idiot am I to let a guy walk all over me?
For example, when I'm pissed off and talk to him about an issue, no matter how annoyed I am when I'm thinking about it, I revert to being a fucking loser and get all apologetic about the fact that either I screwed up or that I have feelings that are hurt. I should not be apologizing for having fucking feelings, and I definitely shouldn't be apologizing for the fact that he hurt them. Why do I do this?
I clearly need a shrink to help me work out my obvious issues with men and authority. In particular, this unwillingness to upset or disappoint men in my life in case they desert me. Hmm, I wonder what that could possibly stem from?
Well, I know exactly where it comes from, but have no idea how to fix it on my own. Or I can ignore it, break up with Dave, and from now on just date girls yet appreciate the male form from afar.
...Clearly, the latter is a last resort. Not that I don't want to date women; I would just prefer to work things out with Dave and if they aren't fixable then consider other options. Like shagging my way through an entire female first-year dorm full of beautiful women. (mmm that would be fun, if highly unlikely... that has probably been used as a porn plot or something -ugh)
I'm finding that guys that are friend material aren't always the ones that are best to date. Yet they're the only ones I can find that are even half-way interested in me. Good luck finding like-minded ladies in Oshawa. And even if I did, check this article out:
http://newsdurhamregion.com/news/article/112449
And people have the gall to say that prejudice is a thing of the past. Fucking blind ignorant sheep. I'm going to a rally this Saturday in support of the Oshawa gay community and hopefully the fucking rednecks won't show up with more violence on their minds. Shit like this is why I can't come out to my work.
Bee
PS. I originally came on to post a short poem that I found that I enjoyed, but then... brainspew.
The Leaden-Eyed, by Vachel Lindsay
Let not young souls be smothered out before
They do quaint deeds and fully flaunt their pride.
It is the world's one crime its babes grow dull,
Its poor are ox-like, limp and leaden-eyed.
Not that they starve, but they starve so dreamlessly;
Not that they sow, but that they seldom reap;
Not that they serve, but have no gods to serve;
Not that they die, but that they die like sheep.
Well, as I have stated previously, it has been a while since I decided to spew my brains and squishy feelings and such into the internet. No particular reason why I haven't been here; it's not like I haven't had things to bitch about.
Oh, if you were curious about that relationship that I was considering breaking up? Yeaaahh... I didn't have to break it up, she did it without me even kissing the guy. So now we are dating, what joy. Except not, because I am pretty sure I am fed up with boys. I mean I like them okay, and sure I wouldn't mind shagging one maybe once or twice, but they are so fucking inconsiderate and uncommunicative and why the fuck do I bother really?
Sorry. I do like him. His name's Dave by the way. And things are going okay, except some things happened and I'm too clingy apparently (this has been brought up before by boys I've dated, so either boys are universally assholes or I am a horror to date). Also I have a drinking problem. These things are not news to me, believe it or not. I am taking steps to fix this. However, I wish that there would be some effort on the other side to fix things as well. Such as, fixing things with the roommate situation, since he's pissed that the apartment is left a fucking mess most times, and the dishes don't get done. Though the past couple days have been getting better. I think Alex talked to him. -Anyway.
But the whole problem is, I think we - I, no definitely we, I'm not taking the whole fraggin' blame for this - rushed into this. I mean I like him as a friend...that I don't really know well yet. Sure, we are super nerds together and enjoy all manner of geektastic things like D&D and FF and Zelda and WoW. This is the basis of a pretty decent friendship. But can we stand each other dating?
I find myself not ... standing up for myself, in the hope that -this is going to sound stupid- he doesn't reject me or make me feel low. And you know what? Behaving like a fucking doormat makes me feel low! In my defence this relationship has been going for all of like three weeks almost a month so it's not like I know how far to push before I push too far. How much of an idiot am I to let a guy walk all over me?
For example, when I'm pissed off and talk to him about an issue, no matter how annoyed I am when I'm thinking about it, I revert to being a fucking loser and get all apologetic about the fact that either I screwed up or that I have feelings that are hurt. I should not be apologizing for having fucking feelings, and I definitely shouldn't be apologizing for the fact that he hurt them. Why do I do this?
I clearly need a shrink to help me work out my obvious issues with men and authority. In particular, this unwillingness to upset or disappoint men in my life in case they desert me. Hmm, I wonder what that could possibly stem from?
Well, I know exactly where it comes from, but have no idea how to fix it on my own. Or I can ignore it, break up with Dave, and from now on just date girls yet appreciate the male form from afar.
...Clearly, the latter is a last resort. Not that I don't want to date women; I would just prefer to work things out with Dave and if they aren't fixable then consider other options. Like shagging my way through an entire female first-year dorm full of beautiful women. (mmm that would be fun, if highly unlikely... that has probably been used as a porn plot or something -ugh)
I'm finding that guys that are friend material aren't always the ones that are best to date. Yet they're the only ones I can find that are even half-way interested in me. Good luck finding like-minded ladies in Oshawa. And even if I did, check this article out:
http://newsdurhamregion.com/news/article/112449
And people have the gall to say that prejudice is a thing of the past. Fucking blind ignorant sheep. I'm going to a rally this Saturday in support of the Oshawa gay community and hopefully the fucking rednecks won't show up with more violence on their minds. Shit like this is why I can't come out to my work.
Bee
PS. I originally came on to post a short poem that I found that I enjoyed, but then... brainspew.
The Leaden-Eyed, by Vachel Lindsay
Let not young souls be smothered out before
They do quaint deeds and fully flaunt their pride.
It is the world's one crime its babes grow dull,
Its poor are ox-like, limp and leaden-eyed.
Not that they starve, but they starve so dreamlessly;
Not that they sow, but that they seldom reap;
Not that they serve, but have no gods to serve;
Not that they die, but that they die like sheep.