Post 051: A realization that was more surprising than it should have been

May 05, 2009 05:02

Okay for those who haven't been tuning in to our regularly scheduled programming, I have met someone.

Her name's Kayla and she rocks my fuckin' world. She came into my work a week or so ago and we talked for an hour and when she had to leave she asked for my number (me! my number! a cute chick! exciting times!) -and had been thinking about asking for my number the other couple times she'd seen me working when she came in!- and we hit it off. She's so straightforward and blunt, tough and hilarious, and she's super cute. Like, she dresses kind of goth-like with the big pants with all the pockets but tight shirts (ohmigod mmmm), dark hair, taller than me (but that's not really an achievement...), long legs, perfectly sized ...well you know. She's off the wall and likes gaming, reads books (not the same genre but hey that just means I'll have more for my reading list), and I really like her. Can you tell?
And this is all only after kissing her once. *siiiigh*

Oh, we're not dating; we're going to hang out some more and see where this goes. I don't really want to jump into things to be honest, even though I did actually manage to blurt out that I wanted to ask her on a date but wasn't sure how to do it, thereby inserting my foot fully into my mouth.

But today when Randi and I got baked in the yard, she kind of helped me realize the reason why all the crushes and relationships and things with boys didn't work out:

I'm a lesbian.
Yup, no bi about it. I'm happy and gay as a rainbow, which explains so much. I've been more excited and happy thinking about and hanging out with Kayla than I was in the whole two-ish months I dated Dave. The best (and most meaningful) sexual experience of my life to date was with a chick. I want to gag when thinking about performing fellatio on a dude (in fact penises are quite icky looking). These things should have tipped me off much sooner.

At least it's not so big a shock, going from thinking I'm bi to pretty much knowing I'm all the way gay. I mean I still think dudes are cute, and I'd probably even shag one again, but I know this is right. I'm not going to detail all the nitty gritty 'why my past hetero experiences should have led me to this conclusion' stuff.

It's not like I chose this. In fact, I could have gone through the rest of my life thinking I'm bi (and thus have a 50-50 chance of being willing to introduce my significant other to my paternal relatives without fear of disown-age).

And if you think I'm saying this just because I've met a chick, I asked Randi when she figured it out and apparently she's been convinced for months.

Well it's certainly been a long journey since my confusing days of high school and awkward girl crushes when I had no idea who I was, to thinking 'hmm I like chicks but I also like dudes... bi seems to fit', to now. This just... makes sense. It fits better. I can't really explain it.

Ugh I'm tired. I need to get up and go to the library tomorrow and nab some books.
Good ...morning?

Bee
I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gay!
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