Post 046: It's a love story, baby just say yes
So if you've been trying to contact me in the past week or so and haven't been able to, don't worry I'm not dead. My phone and my bank account on the other hand...
I'm a bit of an idiot, and didn't pay my phone bill (two months in a row :S) so they cut me off. I dug myself out of it thankfully but it'll be another day or two before I actually get reconnected. Thus the stupid "this phone is not in service" deal. Apparently I'm not even allowed my answering machine even though they're still charging me for the whole fucking time they cut me off. Annnnnd now I have under a hundred bucks in my bank account, due to the phone bill plus late fees on top of having to pay my mom rent as well. And I'm getting 12-16 hours a week at work, AND I've been applying to random places in Oshawa but no one is hiring.
So basically fuck my life. Fuck. My. Life.
It's not so bad I guess. This is what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life after all. Freaking brilliant being an adult eh?
(no it's not no it's not, stop the ride stop the ride I wanna get oooooofffffff...not bloody brilliant after all...)
I keep fucking hearing that song by Taylor Swift every where I go today. Tim Horton's, my grand place of work (how I loathe thee), in the bleeding car by the lake with Randi after work... All I can think about is the first time I actually listened to the lyrics of the song, which was while in Waterloo last time. Of course that made me think of SJ and I'm sure I bored Randi with my rambles on how much I miss UW and the people there. Not gonna lie it reminds me of certain other reasons I have to miss that region of Ontario. Some lines smart more than others heh. I've been feeling so alone, I keep waiting for you but you never come, is this in my head? I don't know what to think springs to mind. just say yes...
I'm sure it'd be much easier to not care; dialing it down a notch even would be nice.
It is a nice sort of burn though. Kind of like salt being rubbed in a wound gotten from helping someone? On the one hand fucking oww, on the other hand it's worth it.
Ugh I have to be awake in five hours. Why the fuck do I keep doing this? Clearly I am a dunce. Who drinks coffee anywhere near the time they need to go to bed? Yes my last caffeine intake was five hours ago but obviously it has not run its course yet. This irks me a bit, because I have to work at 11am.
I lead a really exciting life here guys, not gonna lie. Work work work sleep (a bit) work work bitch moan work drink smoke weed drink drink smoke more work work work... I tell ya, fun never stops here.
Also I'm a fucking coward guys. I don't check my email or facebook anymore because I'm afraid to reach out to my friends now that I'm a petty slave of the corporate machine in my grand town here. A cog in the wheel of third-world opression, if you will. I'm not supposed to talk about my work near Sarah's friends or they'll eat me alive; well... they would except they're all vegans and I'd be a meat product, total no-no. (But you know what I mean)
I just hate it. I feel like if I work for them and accept their money I'm profitting from real human suffering. They've sucked my mother dry already, and it's killing me by inches to be constantly treated like I'm not a human being just a thing to be used and yelled at and discarded. Sure there are sometimes decent customers, and the people I work with aren't all bad, but this job is not helping my mental state. I've got people's blood on my hand by supporting this company. Children's blood. And every day I smoke more to try and not panic when I'm working (I'm such a basket case), or get angry and get myself fired, which is also killing me (albeit not my spirit like the other stuff so I can ignore it). And the other times, when I'm not there, I'm trying to escape the overwhelming feelings of powerlessness and despair through WoW or weed or booze. Most days I feel like a fucked-up old lady in a twenty year-old body (which sometimes feels older than it is when things start aching like my wrists, fingers, knees and back).
Also the Valentine decorations are enough to make ya sick. We fucking get it, there will be guilt if you don't buy shit for your hunny-bunch baby-cakes sweetums on the ridiculous day; just stop assailing my eyes with the red and the pink and the cartoon hearts. The idiot who first drew the 'heart' evidently never saw a real human heart; must've been looking at something else this 'holiday' is about (AKA sex, because it looks more like a vulva than a heart). I found a link with some 'splaining: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heart_(symbol)#As_icon
And most people will just say I'm fucking bitter because I don't have anyone for this day, but it honestly sickens me. The whole spectacle is ridiculous. If you can't bloody well show you 'love' someone any other day of the year then what are you doing with them?
Oh dammit, I'm really not going to get to sleep before work. Satan's balls in a basket.
Bee
I'm a bit of an idiot, and didn't pay my phone bill (two months in a row :S) so they cut me off. I dug myself out of it thankfully but it'll be another day or two before I actually get reconnected. Thus the stupid "this phone is not in service" deal. Apparently I'm not even allowed my answering machine even though they're still charging me for the whole fucking time they cut me off. Annnnnd now I have under a hundred bucks in my bank account, due to the phone bill plus late fees on top of having to pay my mom rent as well. And I'm getting 12-16 hours a week at work, AND I've been applying to random places in Oshawa but no one is hiring.
So basically fuck my life. Fuck. My. Life.
It's not so bad I guess. This is what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life after all. Freaking brilliant being an adult eh?
(no it's not no it's not, stop the ride stop the ride I wanna get oooooofffffff...not bloody brilliant after all...)
I keep fucking hearing that song by Taylor Swift every where I go today. Tim Horton's, my grand place of work (how I loathe thee), in the bleeding car by the lake with Randi after work... All I can think about is the first time I actually listened to the lyrics of the song, which was while in Waterloo last time. Of course that made me think of SJ and I'm sure I bored Randi with my rambles on how much I miss UW and the people there. Not gonna lie it reminds me of certain other reasons I have to miss that region of Ontario. Some lines smart more than others heh. I've been feeling so alone, I keep waiting for you but you never come, is this in my head? I don't know what to think springs to mind. just say yes...
I'm sure it'd be much easier to not care; dialing it down a notch even would be nice.
It is a nice sort of burn though. Kind of like salt being rubbed in a wound gotten from helping someone? On the one hand fucking oww, on the other hand it's worth it.
Ugh I have to be awake in five hours. Why the fuck do I keep doing this? Clearly I am a dunce. Who drinks coffee anywhere near the time they need to go to bed? Yes my last caffeine intake was five hours ago but obviously it has not run its course yet. This irks me a bit, because I have to work at 11am.
I lead a really exciting life here guys, not gonna lie. Work work work sleep (a bit) work work bitch moan work drink smoke weed drink drink smoke more work work work... I tell ya, fun never stops here.
Also I'm a fucking coward guys. I don't check my email or facebook anymore because I'm afraid to reach out to my friends now that I'm a petty slave of the corporate machine in my grand town here. A cog in the wheel of third-world opression, if you will. I'm not supposed to talk about my work near Sarah's friends or they'll eat me alive; well... they would except they're all vegans and I'd be a meat product, total no-no. (But you know what I mean)
I just hate it. I feel like if I work for them and accept their money I'm profitting from real human suffering. They've sucked my mother dry already, and it's killing me by inches to be constantly treated like I'm not a human being just a thing to be used and yelled at and discarded. Sure there are sometimes decent customers, and the people I work with aren't all bad, but this job is not helping my mental state. I've got people's blood on my hand by supporting this company. Children's blood. And every day I smoke more to try and not panic when I'm working (I'm such a basket case), or get angry and get myself fired, which is also killing me (albeit not my spirit like the other stuff so I can ignore it). And the other times, when I'm not there, I'm trying to escape the overwhelming feelings of powerlessness and despair through WoW or weed or booze. Most days I feel like a fucked-up old lady in a twenty year-old body (which sometimes feels older than it is when things start aching like my wrists, fingers, knees and back).
Also the Valentine decorations are enough to make ya sick. We fucking get it, there will be guilt if you don't buy shit for your hunny-bunch baby-cakes sweetums on the ridiculous day; just stop assailing my eyes with the red and the pink and the cartoon hearts. The idiot who first drew the 'heart' evidently never saw a real human heart; must've been looking at something else this 'holiday' is about (AKA sex, because it looks more like a vulva than a heart). I found a link with some 'splaining: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heart_(symbol)#As_icon
And most people will just say I'm fucking bitter because I don't have anyone for this day, but it honestly sickens me. The whole spectacle is ridiculous. If you can't bloody well show you 'love' someone any other day of the year then what are you doing with them?
Oh dammit, I'm really not going to get to sleep before work. Satan's balls in a basket.
Bee