Progress and Privilege
Hmm... it's been a while since I really made a "journal" entry here. Lately, most of my journaling has gone into a little marble notebook that I keep next to my desk. I don't expect that anyone else will ever read it. I couldn't say why it no longer feels appropriate to record certain thoughts here... perhaps some things are best worked out alone.
Life has been good lately. Every day, I become a little more aware of how lucky I am. It is a humbling experience. A friend of mine intimated recently that he wishes he could be a "self-made" person like me, and I was shocked. I had to tell him--that's not what I am. Every person I've met has carried me a little. I was born into a life of comfort and privilege, so full of luxury that I have time to worry about which movie on my Netflix queue I want to watch next. I have been bolstered by friends and family every step of the way.
I love to rant about how the word "deserve" drives me bonkers, but sometimes, I still struggle with it. The truth is, I don't really "deserve" this charmed life. It has nothing to do with self-worth or anything like that. What I mean is, nobody "deserves" this. It is surreal to read about poverty in my city and disasters halfway across the world, all on the screen of my expensive and incredibly complex cell phone, from the safety of my third-floor apartment in Old Brooklyn. Maybe it's just my Jewish upbringing finding a new venue for guilt, but I feel it. It doesn't make me angry or disgusted, but it perplexes me. What do you do about that? What can you do? I'm going to start volunteering at Seeds of Literacy, an adult GED education program, this month. I don't know if it's right; or if it will make anything better. It just feels like something I ought to do.
My new job gets better every day. The CEO appeared in my cube at 5PM on Friday with two beers (one for each of us), and we sat and joked for a while about starting out doing freelancing. I also received my official company business card, with my official company job title on it. I've been joking with friends that there must be a flaw in the system if my name can appear on the same card as the term "Senior Software Engineer", but I really am a little proud of it. The job is symbolic to me; it represents this time in my life, when I really began to step outside my comfort zone to do what scares me, and ask for what I want.
I will take no credit for my skill with computers; for all these years, I have simply been doing what comes naturally to me. Even when I am apoplectic and inches from hurling my keyboard out the window because I just can't make something work, I am walking my own path of least resistance. When it came to finding and negotiating a new job, and leaving my old one, however; that was one of the hardest things I have done. So, despite my reservations about pride and "deserving", I allow myself a small measure of pride for this accomplishment.
Charmed as it is, my life has not been without its struggles. I am outside my comfort zone, too, being single. I know it's what I need these days--I grew to rely far too much on my relationships, and I now need a stretch of time on my own, to figure myself out. Anything less would be unfair not just to myself, but to whomever I inflicted my immaturity on next. The loneliness is crushing sometimes; so acute and held aloft on inescapable nostalgia that it becomes a tangible pain. But, it's never hopeless. It's OK loneliness. It's just my heart getting reacquainted with the rest of me. Finally, after so many years, it feels like I am walking the right path for myself. I don't know exactly where it leads, but I have faith that my internal compass will orient itself as needed.
I still have not given up on fitness & nutrition, either; though progress can be excruciatingly slow. It's frustrating to read journal entries from two, four and even six years ago lamenting my extra weight. At least I'm in better shape than I've been since high school. Goals are unmet, but progress has been made. Still, the stubbornness of this problem makes me wonder. When will I finally make it happen? Maybe tomorrow. That's why I won't give up.
That I am posting this at 3:30 AM should be evidence enough that healthy food, exercise & sleep habits still mostly evade me. I feel like I'm getting better at it, though, despite tonight's inexplicable restlessness. I had a bit of an epiphany about it, while wondering about habits, rituals and impulse-control in general. I realized that so many of my shoot-for-the-moon personal plans are built on the misconception that tomorrow-me is going to follow through on plans made by today-me without mishap. Or even an-hour-from-now-me. Suddenly, I don't trust future-me. I know I need a plan for what I want to do, and a plan for what I'll actually do when I don't "feel like it". Even better, I am training myself to reflexively respond to "I'll take care of it later" with, "No I won't. I'll take care of it right now, because later will always be later, and now will always be now." This has worked for everything from paying bills on time to doing the dishes. There is no more "Never", "Later" and "Now". It's just the two. They work pretty well.