thoughts, goals and other stuff.
So I have a lot to get of off my chest. I haven’t really written in a journal for a while. I have so much I want to say.
First thought- Mario. I have been thinking after the break up about how much I admire his spirit. Finding him has been like discovering something sparkly and colorful. I’ll miss his rational thought and consistently positive perspective. I keep wondering what college will be like for him, I have so much hope for him. That is what he represents to me most- hope. I know he is going to discover so many new things. His spirit is going to finally be as free as he has been wanting it to be. At age 18 he already has so much balance and self acceptance. I’m going to write him a letter- telling him all the things I admire about him. I’m also going to give him some advice. I don’t usually like to dish out advice for fear of sounding to preachy. (if I get that way with any of you PLEASE tell me to shut up) My cousin- the one that’s not too crazy- gave me some advice on dating and emotionally related things before I went off to college. I was surprised how accurate she was about some of the things that came about through college. I want to warn him about the things I’ve learned, like controlling boyfriends, un-accepting parents, safe sex, non-monogamous relationships, getting dumped and letting go of relationships. With our without my ‘advice’ he’ll learn about these things, probably with greater speed than I have. I just want him to know my blessing goes with him when he moves to Chicago. I feel that this is not the end with him. I don’t think marriage is in our future but I have this strange feeling something special is still possible for us. Things have ended with the door wide open for the possibility for future magic.
Second thought- Chelsea. I walked past that new sex shop in Chelsea and a group of people were standing in front of it protesting its presence. They said that it “threatens the diversity of the neighborhood.” They said it’s a threat to their quality of life and the children that go to school several blocks away. There are two phrases I am eternally irritated by and try to limit the use of as often as possible. The first is the word diversity. It’s a great word and it stands for something positive but in my experience I have too often hear it coming from white peoples mouths to support their agenda. Its not that the sex shop case is a racial issue its just that its one more time I hear middle class white folk using it to support their arguments to have their babies and shops and ‘communities’ to be as they wish- no matter who else happens to be living there. Its true- Chelsea boys are not diverse but on a national level they are a small portion of the U.S. population. So where should they go now that the WASPs have found their way into Chelsea. And how many straight neighborhoods with schools near by does one see porn being sold? I hate it when I see the two places that are queer safe (Christopher St. and Chelsea) being challenged by people with money who want to buy up new property. I thought Chelsea boys were a symbol of everything I didn’t like in this world but the ‘Chelsea Community Board’ irritates me even more.
Other thoughts- I guess since I have a lot of basic supports that are gone- like a house- I am focusing on things that are minor. I don’t know what to do all day. I have the summer off- that’s great. I spend the early part of the day trying to bring stability into my life. Lately I haven’t been doing so well at that. What do I do? I don’t know if I am going to get out of this current lease yet. I don’t know if I am going to be sued by the buildings insurance company. I don’t know where I am going to come up with a down payment for a new apartment. I can look for a new apartment but can I afford it, when I can move in, how will I ever be able to pay for moving my things out of storage?
I also have questions about if I should live with my roommate. I love him. He loves me. Our friendship is complicated. Complexity is not a bad thing its just confusing. We understand each other, we are family. I guess that’s all I should say here about that.
I am beginning to understand why people that are homeless or jobless procrastinate. The things that one has to do become overwhelming. Picking yourself back up after you’ve been fucked over is hard. I’m giving myself three to five years to get my life where I want it to be. Here are some of my long term goals.
1. I want to learn how to budget.
2. I want a financial planner or consultant.
3. I want good credit again. I want to get over my fear of financial failure.
4. I want to go grocery shopping in a health food store.
5. I want to buy enough food for that entire week.
6. I want to eat out 2-3 times a week, no more than that.
7. I want to learn how to cook quick vegetarian meals.
8. I want to learn to pack a lunch for work.
9. I want to pay my bills online and on time.
10. I want to be out of credit card debt or close to it in 3-5 years.
11. I want to own stylish professional wear and casual wear.
12. I want to have a friendly relationship with my landlord.
13. I want to set two to three hours a week aside for making Tarot card illustrations.
14. I want a realistic exercise schedule. Maybe going to the gym 3 times a week.
15. I want to have finished a multicultural art curriculum for 6, 7, and 8th grade.
16. I want to be a part of a teachers group dedicated to multicultural education.
17. In one year I want to be enrolling in a graduate teaching program.
18. I want to set aside 2-3 hours on Sunday to plan my lessons for the upcoming week.
19. I want to set aside a half an hour a week for calling students parents. (Mon.-Fri.)
20. I want to have several stable and caring friends.
21. I want to maintain long distant relationships. (Especially with Kristee.)
22. I want to have balanced limitations on how often I party.
23. I want to only party at places that will make me feel good about my body.
24. I want to set up safe sexual relationships.
25. I want a home that is beautiful and makes me feel positive.
26. I want a home where people communicate with one another.
27. I want furniture in my home that will help me to be organized.
28. I want a clean home.
29. I want to see a therapist once a week.
30. In 3-5 years time I want to be thinking about buying a home.
31. In 3-5 years time I want to be thinking about making a career change. (to social work)
I don’t know how realistic this is but I need a compass. I need to take myself more seriously than just going about every day without giving life some serious thought. I am going to break down a plan for each goal in a realistic way. I’m going to make this work!
First thought- Mario. I have been thinking after the break up about how much I admire his spirit. Finding him has been like discovering something sparkly and colorful. I’ll miss his rational thought and consistently positive perspective. I keep wondering what college will be like for him, I have so much hope for him. That is what he represents to me most- hope. I know he is going to discover so many new things. His spirit is going to finally be as free as he has been wanting it to be. At age 18 he already has so much balance and self acceptance. I’m going to write him a letter- telling him all the things I admire about him. I’m also going to give him some advice. I don’t usually like to dish out advice for fear of sounding to preachy. (if I get that way with any of you PLEASE tell me to shut up) My cousin- the one that’s not too crazy- gave me some advice on dating and emotionally related things before I went off to college. I was surprised how accurate she was about some of the things that came about through college. I want to warn him about the things I’ve learned, like controlling boyfriends, un-accepting parents, safe sex, non-monogamous relationships, getting dumped and letting go of relationships. With our without my ‘advice’ he’ll learn about these things, probably with greater speed than I have. I just want him to know my blessing goes with him when he moves to Chicago. I feel that this is not the end with him. I don’t think marriage is in our future but I have this strange feeling something special is still possible for us. Things have ended with the door wide open for the possibility for future magic.
Second thought- Chelsea. I walked past that new sex shop in Chelsea and a group of people were standing in front of it protesting its presence. They said that it “threatens the diversity of the neighborhood.” They said it’s a threat to their quality of life and the children that go to school several blocks away. There are two phrases I am eternally irritated by and try to limit the use of as often as possible. The first is the word diversity. It’s a great word and it stands for something positive but in my experience I have too often hear it coming from white peoples mouths to support their agenda. Its not that the sex shop case is a racial issue its just that its one more time I hear middle class white folk using it to support their arguments to have their babies and shops and ‘communities’ to be as they wish- no matter who else happens to be living there. Its true- Chelsea boys are not diverse but on a national level they are a small portion of the U.S. population. So where should they go now that the WASPs have found their way into Chelsea. And how many straight neighborhoods with schools near by does one see porn being sold? I hate it when I see the two places that are queer safe (Christopher St. and Chelsea) being challenged by people with money who want to buy up new property. I thought Chelsea boys were a symbol of everything I didn’t like in this world but the ‘Chelsea Community Board’ irritates me even more.
Other thoughts- I guess since I have a lot of basic supports that are gone- like a house- I am focusing on things that are minor. I don’t know what to do all day. I have the summer off- that’s great. I spend the early part of the day trying to bring stability into my life. Lately I haven’t been doing so well at that. What do I do? I don’t know if I am going to get out of this current lease yet. I don’t know if I am going to be sued by the buildings insurance company. I don’t know where I am going to come up with a down payment for a new apartment. I can look for a new apartment but can I afford it, when I can move in, how will I ever be able to pay for moving my things out of storage?
I also have questions about if I should live with my roommate. I love him. He loves me. Our friendship is complicated. Complexity is not a bad thing its just confusing. We understand each other, we are family. I guess that’s all I should say here about that.
I am beginning to understand why people that are homeless or jobless procrastinate. The things that one has to do become overwhelming. Picking yourself back up after you’ve been fucked over is hard. I’m giving myself three to five years to get my life where I want it to be. Here are some of my long term goals.
1. I want to learn how to budget.
2. I want a financial planner or consultant.
3. I want good credit again. I want to get over my fear of financial failure.
4. I want to go grocery shopping in a health food store.
5. I want to buy enough food for that entire week.
6. I want to eat out 2-3 times a week, no more than that.
7. I want to learn how to cook quick vegetarian meals.
8. I want to learn to pack a lunch for work.
9. I want to pay my bills online and on time.
10. I want to be out of credit card debt or close to it in 3-5 years.
11. I want to own stylish professional wear and casual wear.
12. I want to have a friendly relationship with my landlord.
13. I want to set two to three hours a week aside for making Tarot card illustrations.
14. I want a realistic exercise schedule. Maybe going to the gym 3 times a week.
15. I want to have finished a multicultural art curriculum for 6, 7, and 8th grade.
16. I want to be a part of a teachers group dedicated to multicultural education.
17. In one year I want to be enrolling in a graduate teaching program.
18. I want to set aside 2-3 hours on Sunday to plan my lessons for the upcoming week.
19. I want to set aside a half an hour a week for calling students parents. (Mon.-Fri.)
20. I want to have several stable and caring friends.
21. I want to maintain long distant relationships. (Especially with Kristee.)
22. I want to have balanced limitations on how often I party.
23. I want to only party at places that will make me feel good about my body.
24. I want to set up safe sexual relationships.
25. I want a home that is beautiful and makes me feel positive.
26. I want a home where people communicate with one another.
27. I want furniture in my home that will help me to be organized.
28. I want a clean home.
29. I want to see a therapist once a week.
30. In 3-5 years time I want to be thinking about buying a home.
31. In 3-5 years time I want to be thinking about making a career change. (to social work)
I don’t know how realistic this is but I need a compass. I need to take myself more seriously than just going about every day without giving life some serious thought. I am going to break down a plan for each goal in a realistic way. I’m going to make this work!