breakthrough
So a friend encouraged me to do this. I am sitting in my living room, basking in the glow of the most amazing love I have ever experienced.
In the course of the last three weeks, I went from dealing with perceived threats from my love like a Scared Little Girl (tm) to a thinking feeling grown-up. This has to have been the hardest thing I have ever done. It was so difficult and so painful, most of the time I doubted I would ever be able to make it through, and had thoughts of just running away, and saying 'fuck it" many more times than, "I can do this".
But I want to be an emotional adult. I don't want to live my life scared any more. It's not for him, it's all for me. I could run away from him, from the challenges of maintaining a healthy relationship, but it would solve nothing in the long run. I would follow the same course over and over.
We communicated our asses off. And as the communication went on and on, we let ourselves express the pain and hurt and fear and insecurity, but in a manner as respectful of each other as possible. When I got aggressive, from that place of fear, he gently asked me if I was aware of it. And I would acknowledge what I did. He never put me down for being afraid, never made light of my fear. He constantly reassured me he understood my point of view. I had to work to try to do the same. As I worked, it started to get easier and easier. I DID get where he was coming from, I could see his perceptions! I may not understand all of them, but I could make the steps in logic to SEE them. And they were valid, and legitimate, just as he said mine were. It was amazing.
But it was still so hard, such a struggle. There was so much pain, so much fear. I asked for constant reassurance for his feelings for me, and he freely gave, and gave, and gave, until I was sure he would reach his limit... But he just kept giving. And while I stayed as present in my feelings as possible, as authentic in my words.. I saw the changes happening! I was so proud of myself. I could get through the scariest conversations and not pull out the knives. I worked hard to not hurt, and give him the respect he has always given me. At the same time, I worked hard at not taking all the blame on myself, going to that place where I beat myself down so no one else can.
So now, no longer in deep fear and denial, I can see the things he has been telling me for years. I feel the faith, the trust blossoming inside me, where I thought it had been ripped away forever. I see his love, the pure steadfast thing that it is, for what it is...
It's ok that he is on the other side of the state, that we can't be together... It is the way things have to be right now. And proximity does not make him love me more, or me him.. we both have other obligations that keep us busy. But he is here, in my heart, keeping me warm tonight with pure joy.
In the course of the last three weeks, I went from dealing with perceived threats from my love like a Scared Little Girl (tm) to a thinking feeling grown-up. This has to have been the hardest thing I have ever done. It was so difficult and so painful, most of the time I doubted I would ever be able to make it through, and had thoughts of just running away, and saying 'fuck it" many more times than, "I can do this".
But I want to be an emotional adult. I don't want to live my life scared any more. It's not for him, it's all for me. I could run away from him, from the challenges of maintaining a healthy relationship, but it would solve nothing in the long run. I would follow the same course over and over.
We communicated our asses off. And as the communication went on and on, we let ourselves express the pain and hurt and fear and insecurity, but in a manner as respectful of each other as possible. When I got aggressive, from that place of fear, he gently asked me if I was aware of it. And I would acknowledge what I did. He never put me down for being afraid, never made light of my fear. He constantly reassured me he understood my point of view. I had to work to try to do the same. As I worked, it started to get easier and easier. I DID get where he was coming from, I could see his perceptions! I may not understand all of them, but I could make the steps in logic to SEE them. And they were valid, and legitimate, just as he said mine were. It was amazing.
But it was still so hard, such a struggle. There was so much pain, so much fear. I asked for constant reassurance for his feelings for me, and he freely gave, and gave, and gave, until I was sure he would reach his limit... But he just kept giving. And while I stayed as present in my feelings as possible, as authentic in my words.. I saw the changes happening! I was so proud of myself. I could get through the scariest conversations and not pull out the knives. I worked hard to not hurt, and give him the respect he has always given me. At the same time, I worked hard at not taking all the blame on myself, going to that place where I beat myself down so no one else can.
So now, no longer in deep fear and denial, I can see the things he has been telling me for years. I feel the faith, the trust blossoming inside me, where I thought it had been ripped away forever. I see his love, the pure steadfast thing that it is, for what it is...
It's ok that he is on the other side of the state, that we can't be together... It is the way things have to be right now. And proximity does not make him love me more, or me him.. we both have other obligations that keep us busy. But he is here, in my heart, keeping me warm tonight with pure joy.