Mornings Are Hell
I realized something today... I don't sleep. Period. End of story.
It's weird to think that once I could sleep on a semi-normal basis. That there was a time when I would not lay awake thinking what hell tomorrow was going to bring, what torturious happenings would take place and what harsh words would be directed towards me from the loved one... To an extent, moving has been sheer hell. On one side, a few people are happy for me and they keep trying to make me smile and encourage me with all this crap... Then there are the people who don't, and they make it a living hell down here. Knowing I moved and left some of the closest people I'm likely to have for a long time is terrifying.
I don't know, but moving has opened my eyes in alot of ways. It's not so much the usual move to a big city ways, but rather it just made me look inside to a whole new level, something I haven't done since New Years.
I really miss the way she made me think about things, made me look deeper with her constant probing to try and understand me. It felt like a genuine interest in what made me tick. I wish I could talk to her right now, I really need some guidance.
There was a time, so long ago, when I was a self-sustaining psycho. I don't understand it and I don't pretend to. I lived my life in the perfect bliss and contentment that comes from being pure. And, looking back, I don't think it was because I was pure, I know for a fact that's not what it was, but rather because I chose that path. I wonder if I could ever reach that pinnacle again. To be able to wake up with a genuine smile on my face every morning. To taste the sweetness in the cold winter's bite. To smell the fragrance and see the beauty in every day life. I miss that.
I miss the way you used to talk to me, back when I was the most important thing in your life. I miss the way you used to go out of your way to try and spend time with me, to see me. I miss how you used to smile... the way your eyes would light up... I miss so much.
I don't pretend to understand myself anymore. I'm an empty shell of what I once was and I'm trying desperately to find out how to revive myself. I fear that if I do not succeed soon, I shall waste away and fade to dust and that dust will swirl away in the summer breeze. I'm a mess. I know it. I just need closure. Everyone leaves me hanging on a thread. Wait for me, wait for me, wait for me... Some way or another, to each a different level, I'm waiting on everyone. They all need to live their lives and take a chance on life in the wilds. Yet they all hold on to what they hope to become. Sometimes I feel like I am just that, the anchor that people attach their dying hopes to while they go live hell and that if I don't hold on, they will come back and blame everything on me. I know that's messed up, but that's just how it seems sometimes. To see someone you love tell you of how I need to wait, to never give up hope... For what purpose? So they can live their glory days or throw away parts of themselves. I don't understand it. Honestly, I don't. Our best days are upon us, true... But why do you have to spend them keeping their existence seperate from the future. I envy those people who live their present lives with reckless abandonment but never give up their future in doing so. They have their fun, but they do it with their future... My heart goes out to you. Honestly.
I doubt I'll sleep for hours, at least, but I'll go try anyway. I have a few tears left to shed in me. So farewell and good morning.
It's weird to think that once I could sleep on a semi-normal basis. That there was a time when I would not lay awake thinking what hell tomorrow was going to bring, what torturious happenings would take place and what harsh words would be directed towards me from the loved one... To an extent, moving has been sheer hell. On one side, a few people are happy for me and they keep trying to make me smile and encourage me with all this crap... Then there are the people who don't, and they make it a living hell down here. Knowing I moved and left some of the closest people I'm likely to have for a long time is terrifying.
I don't know, but moving has opened my eyes in alot of ways. It's not so much the usual move to a big city ways, but rather it just made me look inside to a whole new level, something I haven't done since New Years.
I really miss the way she made me think about things, made me look deeper with her constant probing to try and understand me. It felt like a genuine interest in what made me tick. I wish I could talk to her right now, I really need some guidance.
There was a time, so long ago, when I was a self-sustaining psycho. I don't understand it and I don't pretend to. I lived my life in the perfect bliss and contentment that comes from being pure. And, looking back, I don't think it was because I was pure, I know for a fact that's not what it was, but rather because I chose that path. I wonder if I could ever reach that pinnacle again. To be able to wake up with a genuine smile on my face every morning. To taste the sweetness in the cold winter's bite. To smell the fragrance and see the beauty in every day life. I miss that.
I miss the way you used to talk to me, back when I was the most important thing in your life. I miss the way you used to go out of your way to try and spend time with me, to see me. I miss how you used to smile... the way your eyes would light up... I miss so much.
I don't pretend to understand myself anymore. I'm an empty shell of what I once was and I'm trying desperately to find out how to revive myself. I fear that if I do not succeed soon, I shall waste away and fade to dust and that dust will swirl away in the summer breeze. I'm a mess. I know it. I just need closure. Everyone leaves me hanging on a thread. Wait for me, wait for me, wait for me... Some way or another, to each a different level, I'm waiting on everyone. They all need to live their lives and take a chance on life in the wilds. Yet they all hold on to what they hope to become. Sometimes I feel like I am just that, the anchor that people attach their dying hopes to while they go live hell and that if I don't hold on, they will come back and blame everything on me. I know that's messed up, but that's just how it seems sometimes. To see someone you love tell you of how I need to wait, to never give up hope... For what purpose? So they can live their glory days or throw away parts of themselves. I don't understand it. Honestly, I don't. Our best days are upon us, true... But why do you have to spend them keeping their existence seperate from the future. I envy those people who live their present lives with reckless abandonment but never give up their future in doing so. They have their fun, but they do it with their future... My heart goes out to you. Honestly.
I doubt I'll sleep for hours, at least, but I'll go try anyway. I have a few tears left to shed in me. So farewell and good morning.