Not for sensitives
This is a part of a thing I've been doing, trying to put myself into the steps of those that I've had a hard time understanding, it's really a part of being able to make characters in a story I'm writing...
This one is not for sensitive people and it's not nice at all...
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As I look at that beautiful raven haired woman that I remember as a little blonde girl, how innocent she was then, before she became a woman, before she got hips and breasts, that feminine figure and lines, why isn't she still a child?
I know that she looks at me with despite, what have I ever done to her, only thing I ever did was showing her how much I loved her, how much I loved her childish innocents, how could that lovely child turn into such an arrogant woman? Why did she have to grow up? And why did I only get the chance to show her my love for her once, why did she get upset when I was suppose to look after her after that one time and didn't want me to take care off her? Ungrateful, that's what she is!
Only thing I could do for years was to watch her grow and turn into a woman, and I can't even do that anymore she has become too estrange and doesn't even say hello on this family gathering, she just walked pass me like I wasn't there.
Her big blue eyes are just as innocent as they were before but there is something that's changed in them, they look as she is stronger, more stable, more decisive, more something, she can't be controlled with guilt anymore!
I wonder if she has told anyone about our moment of love, I don't think she has, I told her not to do it because she was doing something naughty and we didn't want her mum and dad to know about that would we.
She has grown up now but I'd give the world for being able to have her close to me as a child only once again! When she was a child she had golden blond hair that was shoulder long, bright blue eyes that looked as she could see your soul if you weren't careful, her body and soul were so beautiful! I fell completely in love with that fairy princess.
I remember when I first saw her, she was just a baby, a stray basically that my uncle took in when he married her mum, nothing more nothing less.
When she started to grow I started seeing something about her, there was something there that really caught my attention. She use to always want to play with me, be around me, always wanted me to be close to her now she can't get further way from me even if she tried.
She had a tiny mouth, it was almost doll like, rosy red and a bit heart shaped, it's hard to explain really... she was so beautiful and now she has been ruined, she has been soiled and will never be the same girl again!
Her mum and my uncle decided to go out one evening when she was just about five years old and I was asked to watch over her, to baby-sit that one evening, I was hysterical with joy, that meant I'd have her for myself for that night it had been a dream for years.
As her parents left we were sitting in her bedroom, I asked if she wanted to go for a shower before we'd watch the videos my uncle had left us, of course she wanted to, she loved water... still does from what I've heard... maybe everything hasn't changed?
I helped her undress, found her a nightgown that was white with red hearts all over it, I felt my body getting tense and that I was getting really aroused but I couldn't do anything, not yet.
I adjusted the water in the shower for her and told her to wait for me. As I quickly undressed the thought that I might be doing something wrong came up in my head but it disappeared as soon as it had appeared, how could I be doing something wrong, I was in love and she loved me! I stepped into the shower and asked her to join me, she was so small and her head didn't even reach my chest. I slowly started to wash her hair, I didn't want her to be afraid of me or the state of my body.
She was humming in the shower, humming a song that our Nan had taught her, she kept singing it and giggling, I was convinced that she knew exactly what I intended to do, I so really craved for her.
I finished washing her hair and watched her play in the water singing that song. I stepped out of the shower and dried up, I asked her to get out of the shower as well and dried her, I admired that small body that had no fault on it, why did God create this piece of art if he didn't intend someone to fall in love with it?
She put her nightgown on giggling, and as I comb her golden hair, trying to get it away from her face and put hairpins into it, I can see her eyes, her beautiful dark blue eyes that are glowing with excitement.
She runs up the stairs and I walk slowly behind her, when I get up the stairs she is sitting in her bed with her feet dangling over the edge of it, I can see that she's waiting for me, she's waiting for me to tell her that I love her, she's waiting for me to show her how I love her.
I take out the book that I've been looking through in order to get ideas of what to do with her when I could, what I could do with MY little princess; I know she would never say no to me.
I sit down by her side and tell her that I want to do something with her, something that has to be our secret and she can't tell anyone about it, especially not her mum and dad because they would tell her off and we wouldn't want that happening would we?
She asks if she HAS to do it and I tell her yes, after all she is my little friend isn't she?
I tell her to take her underpants off and lay down, she looks at me with her big eyes but does what I tell her to do, she knows that she has to do what the grown ups tell her to do.
She lays on her back and I pull up her nightgown, I can smell the pureness of her skin and the citrus shampoo that I used to wash her hair with, I tell her to put her legs apart and when she says no I get really irritated and push them apart, I know that she is only teasing.
She has tears in her eyes but I can see through that act, she is only trying to get me more excited, she wants this just as much as I do!
I move my face closer to her and I can smell her, I can smell the very scent of her and her innocents, I know that she is pure, that she is only mine and I can do whatever I want with her, just have to make sure she won't tell her mum and dad.
She's standing right in front of me helping her sister out of the venue but her sister is on crutches, she says hello to the people around me and I use the chance to introduce her to my girlfriend... that has the same name as she does.
She says hello to my girl and then walks away with her sister, I can see that she's talking to her quietly and I wonder if she is telling her about our night of love?
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You might be wondering why I wrote this... and I don't blame you. I had to prove to myself that I could write something that wasn't from the perspective of a victim which I most often do. I chose to write the story from the perspective of a person I've got the hardest time to get into the mind off, a child abuser.
This is based on my experience as a child being abused by a cousin of mine that was a teenager at the time.
I set it up at a family gathering, that he was reflecting on the past there and when she is suddenly in front of him is when I just couldn't go further with the other part of the story... I can't get into the head of this kind of person.
Hope you understand why I had to give myself THIS kind of challenge.
Care. Sveina