hockey not!fic - sidney crosby is not a man
Posted here because it's not exactly a fic. If I feel like it, I might edit it a bit and make it into a real story, but for now here you go. Also, if anyone out there could please get Crosby out of my brain, I'd like that. I have Brioux to write!
Warnings: gender dysmorphia, not so great dads but awesome sisters
There are a lot of things Sidney Crosby knows are true. She knows she’s an amazing hockey player. She knows her team respects and relies on her. She knows that she’s awkward and geeky and spends way too much time talking about hockey. She knows it’s weird that she took so long to move out of Mario’s guesthouse. She knows that Geno will always have her back. She knows her laugh is weird and her ass is too big. She knows that she wants to kiss and kiss, to have someone tell her she’s beautiful.
Most importantly, she knows that she is not a man.
Unfortunately no one else does except her therapist and Taylor.
She told her dad once, when she was five, and they were driving home from a hockey practice. She said that she was a girl, not a boy when they were arguing about how she needed to use her size to hit the other boys. He had pulled over immediately, twisted around in the seat to stare at her, his expression furious.
“Never say that again!”
So she never does until she's out with a year-long concussion and she's having a breakdown. Geno herds her to a therapist who listens when Sidney chokes out that she’s not a man. She never has been.
And she tells Taylor when Taylor comes to stay with her because her therapist thinks it would be a good idea to tell someone and she’s not telling Geno or any of the guys on the team. And definitely not Mario. Taylor just hugs her and tells her that it’s okay. And god, her sister is just a kid and she’s too damn smart.
But after that things get a little better. Her therapist is kind of awesome and gives her things to do at home to make her feel better. Taylor calls and they talk about girl stuff and hockey.
There’s a lot of talking before her therapist agrees to calling her transgender but when she does, Sidney cries and cries, like this giant weight has been lifted off her shoulders because it’s true. What she’s felt her whole life is real.
But nothing can happen while she is still playing hockey. No hormones, no talking about surgeries or implants. No changing the outside to match the inside.
And Sidney needs to play hockey.
She loves it like she loves breathing and bright red lipstick. She loves it like she loves being herself with Taylor and doing stupid girl things like painting her toenails and watching romantic movies. She loves it because it keeps her sane even if it's keeping her from being her.
So all Sidney can do is wait, smile at the camera, play hockey like her life depends on it and pretend she’s a man.
Warnings: gender dysmorphia, not so great dads but awesome sisters
There are a lot of things Sidney Crosby knows are true. She knows she’s an amazing hockey player. She knows her team respects and relies on her. She knows that she’s awkward and geeky and spends way too much time talking about hockey. She knows it’s weird that she took so long to move out of Mario’s guesthouse. She knows that Geno will always have her back. She knows her laugh is weird and her ass is too big. She knows that she wants to kiss and kiss, to have someone tell her she’s beautiful.
Most importantly, she knows that she is not a man.
Unfortunately no one else does except her therapist and Taylor.
She told her dad once, when she was five, and they were driving home from a hockey practice. She said that she was a girl, not a boy when they were arguing about how she needed to use her size to hit the other boys. He had pulled over immediately, twisted around in the seat to stare at her, his expression furious.
“Never say that again!”
So she never does until she's out with a year-long concussion and she's having a breakdown. Geno herds her to a therapist who listens when Sidney chokes out that she’s not a man. She never has been.
And she tells Taylor when Taylor comes to stay with her because her therapist thinks it would be a good idea to tell someone and she’s not telling Geno or any of the guys on the team. And definitely not Mario. Taylor just hugs her and tells her that it’s okay. And god, her sister is just a kid and she’s too damn smart.
But after that things get a little better. Her therapist is kind of awesome and gives her things to do at home to make her feel better. Taylor calls and they talk about girl stuff and hockey.
There’s a lot of talking before her therapist agrees to calling her transgender but when she does, Sidney cries and cries, like this giant weight has been lifted off her shoulders because it’s true. What she’s felt her whole life is real.
But nothing can happen while she is still playing hockey. No hormones, no talking about surgeries or implants. No changing the outside to match the inside.
And Sidney needs to play hockey.
She loves it like she loves breathing and bright red lipstick. She loves it like she loves being herself with Taylor and doing stupid girl things like painting her toenails and watching romantic movies. She loves it because it keeps her sane even if it's keeping her from being her.
So all Sidney can do is wait, smile at the camera, play hockey like her life depends on it and pretend she’s a man.