What Am I Going To Do?!?
He lives across town but it feels like he lives all the way across the country. I never see him and when I do it is a short glimpse here and there. He asked me to get back together with him. I want to, Oh god do I want to. I just don't know if I can. Can I handle the stress and the pressure? I guess that is a stupid question. I mean I did it for 5 months, but can I do it anymore. I was a wreak trying to fit everything together. My friends, my family, school and HIM all at the same time. I miss him so much. I miss things about him that were never there. Things that we talked about but never did. Like the other morning I woke up and smelled pancakes, he always said that he would fix me breakfast in bed and his specialty was pancakes. No one in my house eats pancakes but my uncle and we never have them for breakfast when everyone is at the house. Last night I missed him lying next to me....but that has only happened a handful of times and it was never at my house, I mean he has only seen glimpses of my room. I have never showered at his place..the most clothing I had at his place was a teeshirt and a pair of panties. That's it..he was alwa telling me how annoying it was for Tab to have her stuff lying all over and that he didn't like it. I only had one of his shirts and didn't really buy things for one another until the end. I mean around Christmas he bought me a lot of stuff and I only bought him a couple of things total...that isn't the point. We both desided a long time ago that it wasn't the amount of stuff that we got, or even that we got things i was the fact that we thought of each other even when we didn't have to or necessarily need to. He got into trouble at work a lot for not paying attention, because he had been thinking of me. He told his mother yesterday. Well she more guessed what it was. I hate that both of his parents know and I even mention his name and I get the death stare and the third degree.
The Saturday I was at Corie's and of course who shows up but him and this is the day after everything has happened. They all think that it is time to smoke and i am pissed because I could be called back home at any moment so I can't smoke any. He, my cousin and her husband all start and Matt offers me the pipe...knowing that I can't smoke, Dan just looks at me and smiles whenever Corie and Matt are paying attention to something else. Corie and I were on the couch opposite the chair that he was sitting in and Matt was in the chair against the wall sorta between them. I guess , as I am told, Corie would look at Dan and tilt her head at me, almost to say "Here she is" or "What are you doing? You can have her" I didn't notice any of this but he told me last night that it freaked him out. I want to ask her about it but I don't want for him to be wrong and me tell her something that she need not know. Dan's mom thinks that everything will be ok once I am 18, now granted at that point it won't be illegal, but they will still make the rules and if I want to continue to live here I will have to follow their rules no matter how bullshit I think they are.
I keep thinking about that night and how I wish that I could take it back. How I wish that I had said what I had thought. And now I am to chicken to email him and say anything. I want to know if my dishonesty was just some floozy night or if there was anything. I need to know before I make a decision on my relationship.
Curtis Devought....what can I say about Curtis. He isn't good looking and he reminds me of a mouse with his physical features. But he likes me and that makes me feel good. I feel nothing for him though. I never did, the whole time we were together that afternoon I thought of Dan.