Fluid misery, breaking glass-heart.
Slowly things have stopped to matter. Loneliness can be a deadly disease. Deprivation of the soul. A slow wasting away of all efforts to keep surviving. Here im on anti-depressants, yet drinking alcohol at the risk of seizures. It just doesn't matter after a while. When your worst fears materialise all else ceases. You knew it would happen and it did, you hoped it wouldnt, but it still did. Here you are alone everyday. They say when you cross a threshold things stop being the same. Its with innocence. Like virginity. You lose it, its lost. A rotten apple is never going to taste fresh. When you know so much about society, everyone seems like a joke, and everything they do, and your pompous arse stops caring about all social etiquette. Crap. All of it. She has finally left my life, all hopes shattered, or rather I have shut it off. I know my heart is never so noble, I would never bow for this. My heart weeps and I cant comfort it. Loneliness, a quiet dying. No one to watch. Never a spectacle. I rot in my own fortress. When you cant relate to the common man, the common woman stops making sense. Of course you are still as horny as any other guy, but your mind wont budge. "Sorry" I apologise to my penis. Got stuck with a mind like mine. Full of idealistic crap and no action. I apologise to him everyday, but then I don't see myself changing. Hold steady, patience, they say. I hope they are right.
I had a dream recently. Of giant human eating frogs. A metaphor Im sure. And the girl I love, by my side at times, loving me secretly, but she cant help herself. The flirt, the charmer, the bad boy, the star, the everything I can never be, nor can I desire too. She goes for him, she likes me deep inside, but she goes for him. All decked up and pretty, both of them, with me sulking in the seat behind, watching them hold hands. I hate every stinking moment. She makes me come back to face this horrible frog, even though I know the frog means danger. I loved her. Then I peep to see the frog eat them both. Taken away, as I had suspected. My heart shatters, in my dream before reality shatters it again that morning, here in my sleep I cry. And then I plan to escape, and I grab a girl with me. We run away. She trusts me. I dont know who she is, but she trusts me. I fall in love. And we become together. A nightmare that turned into a dream.
Who is this girl I desire. My unconscious calling out to her. Someone who trusts me. Someone who likes me as I am, and I her. It took a human eating amphibian to find her. But it was worth it. But only in dreams. In reality, my heart broke again. It was stupid, but it fell off and smashed, crashed. Bam! Boom! Maybe it even exploded. She was now gone. I was truly alone. I am. Truly. In my own fortress held prisoner. Im scared, very scared.......