gathering
i was wrong again. not completely, but greatly.
i thought i have settled, i thought i have acepted, i thought i am stronger.
but as i gathered all the pieces today, pieces of myself and those that are not supposed to be mine but have successfully took shape within my reach, i once again found myself suffocated, unable to breathe and worse, the ocean of these pieces trapped in my eyes kept me from seeing clearly, thus the breakdown, the longing to just vanish like dust in the afternoon wind.
and then the rain felt like eternity enclosing me in public spaces, crying in the midst of chores.
the pieces of myself i tried to gather closely have, as always, found their way scatterring all over the roads and highways of my day, today, a dark day.
you see, these pieces are mainly of memories i weaved from the very first time. oh how i successfully kept them encased inside my heart and mind opening them at times to pull some strings of hope or at least, a tinge of.
and these pieces are so beautiful. so wonderful altogether.
not to mention, the pains and deaths intertwined with all of it- sometimes enhancing the beauty, sometimes erasing it, unsuccessfully.
and now, as i gathered all these to make me smile, at least, i see clearly, i am not strong. yet.
i haven't fully accepted what i must.
i still see myself wanting, longing, even asking for what i am not suppose to.
and to say i am sorry is simply, an obvious futility. for i feel more than sorry. for not being self-less.
i still don't know how to love, fully.
i still see you and me walking down the street
holding each other's hand.
tonight, the gathering continuous. and what is left for me to do? nothing.
but to let the rain fall down, some more and drown myself in the ocean of my own doing.
i am wrong still. but i am willing to learn.