(no subject)
(for SL purposes Corpse ahs put his little emoing session under a friends lock. For those of you on the F list, well guess what you can see this anyway but please no anonymous responses on this post)
I just found out.....well not JUST...there has been a little space in between, but none since I last posted....
on Halloween I will be made an honest man, lovely....
no I am not telling where or what time, not even what country.
I am happy and terrified I did not think it would be so soon.....I am happy, I love him, but this is the second time I have done this, and it is terrifying....
I am also unhappy....
you see no matter how thrilled I am in Trent's love I am worried about Vincent....I am feeling near sick.
He tries....he tries so hard to be strong, to be supportive, even to be happy for us but I know he hurts, and I wish I had the right words, or the right touch, or the right soul....
See I can write a song that will top the charts, I can sing to bring joy or tears, but I can't seem to explain to my sweet little Vincent the way my heart is, and that he is always with me. I never stop thinking about him, I never want to be away from him, I adore and worship him.
Without Vincent I would be a dead man today, he pulled me back from despair so many times, I can't begin to describe, he held me and healed me when another broke my heart and I fell in love, so deeply in love....
I warned him I was falling for him... I tried to shut myself down, to never love again and the sneaky little bastard wormed a way into my soul.....and now I want him, and need him, selfishly yes, but even more I want him to be happy and healthy and safe.....
Now there is nothing I could do if I tried, it is like his hands have reached into me and wound themselves around my heart, I can't breathe without him, and that is where he will alwas belong for me, around and inside my heart. When you love someone, but are about to marry another, well how do you explain? how do you show them that they are equal, special, loved? I don't know how but I want to, I want to....
God alone knows I'm imperfect....
Both of these men make my soul sing, I want to bring them joy, pleasure, to make every day of their lives a wonder....
I try but I can't make either of them happy.....neither deserves to have to share.....I should.....I should walk away and let them find real happiness instead of this divided mess I have made....
but I can't, I am too weak a man for that....
I just realised I have been writing this incoherrant drivel for....like three hours....and it is still drivel. I just can't explain it! how can I love two men so completely and yet so individually? how can I have friends that I love and adore, people I could easily be with as lovers and yet explain to my partners that this is far from the same? How acn I at almost 30 having lived a wild life tell a sweet and innocent man about the way a heart can twist and how love is not just love....it has subtleties and nuances.....oh shut up Corpse...you are just not bright enough to grasp these things yourself, how do you ever expect to explain them?
Blah blah blah.....I guess you must all be positively ill from my little angst anyhow....selfish fucker has two lovers, great career, family, money....WTF is he bitching about.....
Only one thing I know right now, I am disgusted with myself, I think...I think I'll go to sleep for a while, maybe dream a way to fix this mess of my making.