A Change Is Gonna Come
I was going to delete this journal and start completely over but I've had it since 2004. Then I thought I would just make all the previous entries private so that when I add new friends, they won't read them and think that's who I am. I was asking Emi for a new username and she asked why I wanted to get rid of this one. I told her what I just told all of you.
Carla -> Let Go. Let God. says:
Maybe I'll just take a REALLY long time to make all previous entries private. I really don't necessarily want a new one but if I add new friends, I guess I'd rather not share some of the previous stuff
Emmalicious -- Don't Give Up says:
why?
Carla -> Let Go. Let God. says:
I dunno. It was all... angsty
Carla -> Let Go. Let God. says:
Like I was just private-izing one and it had all these swear words and was just not the me that I am now
Emmalicious -- Don't Give Up says:
that's the cool part though. it shows how far you've come
Well said. So to anyone that may be new to this journal, go ahead and take a look back but keep in mind that I've changed a bunch this summer. I've come a long way. And I'm going to use this entry to kind introduce the person I am now I guess.
I did a lot of things I'm not proud of. I wouldn't say I'm ashamed but I am a bit embarrassed because they just weren't me. And they weren't really me at the time I did them. Like the whole making out with Kevin thing. I had never kissed a guy I wasn't in a relationship with. I knew it was a bad idea at the time but I was so caught up and he said he liked me. And I wanted him to. So I did things that I normally wouldn't. I regretted it for a very long time but I've forgiven myself. I was just looking back at my previous entries and rolling my eyes. I sound like a giddy 12 year old and, well, I'm completely mortified by it. But I'm going to leave those entries because I've grown and I need to completely accept what happened.
I won't ever do that again though. I don't see the point. My biggest wish in life is to get married and have a family. To be 100% honest, I don't see the point in long term relationships unless that's the person you love and think you might marry. Otherwise it's just going to lead to heartache. I've been there. I stayed in a relationship because I still liked the guy but I knew it wasn't going anywhere. I've decided not to do that anymore.
I'm not the type to go running around swearing and being a sassy little lady that makes dirty jokes. I used to all the time and I don't really know why. Okay, okay, I do know. Some of my other friends were doing it and I felt like I had to in order to fit in. They never made me feel that way. But I was so uncomfortable with myself and that's the norm so I did it. I don't anymore. I swear occasionally when it pops out but even then it's a shocker. A lot of times I don't even say sucks or crap anymore.
I would flirt all the time. And always wanted to cuddle. And a lot of times guys thought I was into them when really I was just trying to get them interested in me. Which is funny because I truly didn't even like 1/3 of them. That's also a bit mean and I realize that now. But I was insecure.
I used to like the shock factor. With one group of friends I was the innocent one that knew really nothing. It was exciting to share with them when I got my first hickey. Then with the other group I was the wild one. Having a hickey wasn't really looked down upon but it was something they didn't do and had no desire for really. I wanted to be noticed and kind of talked about. But I don't want that anymore. Sure, okay, I like kissing, making out, and honestly I like hickies. I'm not ashamed to admit that. But that's not really something to share. I dunno.
Part of me thought that if I acted like them, once I became part of the group I could revert back to my real self. That didn't happen though. I split into a bunch of different people and lost myself.
But I'm back! lol So who am I? Well I really love God and church. Camp really changed me and it's in the best way possible. I had so many experiences with God. I know that might sound weird or silly to some people but I really did. I'd love to write them all in here but it's not even possible and I don't want to offend some people. I'm not entirely sure how to talk about my faith yet without sounding preachy. But it's really made me feel better. I'm very happy with how I look. I mentioned before about wanting to lose weight and all that. I do like exercising and eating right because it keeps me healthy and energized but I've embraced my curves, thighs and all, and I think I'm beautiful. Even in my boxers and t-shirt. I love classical music. I love inspirational romance novels. I love writing to random soldiers overseas (http://www.anysoldier.com). I love photography. I love taking out a lawn chair, sticking it in the driveway, and lying down for an hour to listen to all the sounds. I don't mind bugs like I thought I did. I like getting dirty with mud and clay. I like that I've never done drugs, smoked, or been drunk. And have no intention to experience any of those. I truly don't want to have sex before I'm married. That's my personal choice and I'm not going to think about letting that go just to get someone to like me. It's not worth it. I don't want a guy, or a friend, to like me because I've had experience or whatever. I'm more than that. I do like to flirt though. But it's totally innocent. That's just how I am. I'm not sure I can control it and I don't find the need to because the people I hang out with understand that. And the new people I encounter and flirt with will soon learn that it's innocent. I'm holding out for some kind of spark before I get in a relationship again.
That's another thing. I'm in no rush to be in a relationship. Sure, I would like one but I need to get myself squared away first. I've changed my major again. I realized I don't care much about communication disorders either. I'm looking into social work. Then I can work at a children's hospital or an adoption agency. I'm torn between both but this really seems to be my direction. I've been praying and honestly I think social work is my answer. I need to study and concentrate on my friends more. Besides, wanting a boyfriend isn't going to make it happen any faster than what it should. Let go and let God. That's my new motto. At this point I would be in a relationship just to be in one. That's not very good motivation. So I'm trying not to look. :)
It's been so weird at my house. My dad and I get along. Quite well actually. I know. I'm expecting that jaws are dropping all over the place right now. I'm nicer though. I never realized I was such a brat. Sure, okay, I think it was justified at the time. But I feel like I've grown up and realized the woman I am instead of the teenager. Sometimes I'll even back him up when he argues with my mom. Both of them are in the wrong a lot so I don't want people to think I'm like worshiping one over the other. I don't worship either. I feel sorry for them both because they stay unhappy. But that's their decision.
I'm tired. And I feel like the people who read this get my point that I've changed. I hope they do. I'm done being a person that I'm not. I still love all of my friends and find them hilarious. But I'm no longer going to try to be them in order for them to like me. They'll have to accept me as is or I guess they aren't worth it. That should make for an interesting first couple weeks back at school.
See, I'm obviously still working out some trust issues. But something did happen recently that's made trusting a little difficult. For another entry though! I have some reading to do. :)
PS: My little dragon mood guy? It looks like he has on head gear for braces!
Carla -> Let Go. Let God. says:
Maybe I'll just take a REALLY long time to make all previous entries private. I really don't necessarily want a new one but if I add new friends, I guess I'd rather not share some of the previous stuff
Emmalicious -- Don't Give Up says:
why?
Carla -> Let Go. Let God. says:
I dunno. It was all... angsty
Carla -> Let Go. Let God. says:
Like I was just private-izing one and it had all these swear words and was just not the me that I am now
Emmalicious -- Don't Give Up says:
that's the cool part though. it shows how far you've come
Well said. So to anyone that may be new to this journal, go ahead and take a look back but keep in mind that I've changed a bunch this summer. I've come a long way. And I'm going to use this entry to kind introduce the person I am now I guess.
I did a lot of things I'm not proud of. I wouldn't say I'm ashamed but I am a bit embarrassed because they just weren't me. And they weren't really me at the time I did them. Like the whole making out with Kevin thing. I had never kissed a guy I wasn't in a relationship with. I knew it was a bad idea at the time but I was so caught up and he said he liked me. And I wanted him to. So I did things that I normally wouldn't. I regretted it for a very long time but I've forgiven myself. I was just looking back at my previous entries and rolling my eyes. I sound like a giddy 12 year old and, well, I'm completely mortified by it. But I'm going to leave those entries because I've grown and I need to completely accept what happened.
I won't ever do that again though. I don't see the point. My biggest wish in life is to get married and have a family. To be 100% honest, I don't see the point in long term relationships unless that's the person you love and think you might marry. Otherwise it's just going to lead to heartache. I've been there. I stayed in a relationship because I still liked the guy but I knew it wasn't going anywhere. I've decided not to do that anymore.
I'm not the type to go running around swearing and being a sassy little lady that makes dirty jokes. I used to all the time and I don't really know why. Okay, okay, I do know. Some of my other friends were doing it and I felt like I had to in order to fit in. They never made me feel that way. But I was so uncomfortable with myself and that's the norm so I did it. I don't anymore. I swear occasionally when it pops out but even then it's a shocker. A lot of times I don't even say sucks or crap anymore.
I would flirt all the time. And always wanted to cuddle. And a lot of times guys thought I was into them when really I was just trying to get them interested in me. Which is funny because I truly didn't even like 1/3 of them. That's also a bit mean and I realize that now. But I was insecure.
I used to like the shock factor. With one group of friends I was the innocent one that knew really nothing. It was exciting to share with them when I got my first hickey. Then with the other group I was the wild one. Having a hickey wasn't really looked down upon but it was something they didn't do and had no desire for really. I wanted to be noticed and kind of talked about. But I don't want that anymore. Sure, okay, I like kissing, making out, and honestly I like hickies. I'm not ashamed to admit that. But that's not really something to share. I dunno.
Part of me thought that if I acted like them, once I became part of the group I could revert back to my real self. That didn't happen though. I split into a bunch of different people and lost myself.
But I'm back! lol So who am I? Well I really love God and church. Camp really changed me and it's in the best way possible. I had so many experiences with God. I know that might sound weird or silly to some people but I really did. I'd love to write them all in here but it's not even possible and I don't want to offend some people. I'm not entirely sure how to talk about my faith yet without sounding preachy. But it's really made me feel better. I'm very happy with how I look. I mentioned before about wanting to lose weight and all that. I do like exercising and eating right because it keeps me healthy and energized but I've embraced my curves, thighs and all, and I think I'm beautiful. Even in my boxers and t-shirt. I love classical music. I love inspirational romance novels. I love writing to random soldiers overseas (http://www.anysoldier.com). I love photography. I love taking out a lawn chair, sticking it in the driveway, and lying down for an hour to listen to all the sounds. I don't mind bugs like I thought I did. I like getting dirty with mud and clay. I like that I've never done drugs, smoked, or been drunk. And have no intention to experience any of those. I truly don't want to have sex before I'm married. That's my personal choice and I'm not going to think about letting that go just to get someone to like me. It's not worth it. I don't want a guy, or a friend, to like me because I've had experience or whatever. I'm more than that. I do like to flirt though. But it's totally innocent. That's just how I am. I'm not sure I can control it and I don't find the need to because the people I hang out with understand that. And the new people I encounter and flirt with will soon learn that it's innocent. I'm holding out for some kind of spark before I get in a relationship again.
That's another thing. I'm in no rush to be in a relationship. Sure, I would like one but I need to get myself squared away first. I've changed my major again. I realized I don't care much about communication disorders either. I'm looking into social work. Then I can work at a children's hospital or an adoption agency. I'm torn between both but this really seems to be my direction. I've been praying and honestly I think social work is my answer. I need to study and concentrate on my friends more. Besides, wanting a boyfriend isn't going to make it happen any faster than what it should. Let go and let God. That's my new motto. At this point I would be in a relationship just to be in one. That's not very good motivation. So I'm trying not to look. :)
It's been so weird at my house. My dad and I get along. Quite well actually. I know. I'm expecting that jaws are dropping all over the place right now. I'm nicer though. I never realized I was such a brat. Sure, okay, I think it was justified at the time. But I feel like I've grown up and realized the woman I am instead of the teenager. Sometimes I'll even back him up when he argues with my mom. Both of them are in the wrong a lot so I don't want people to think I'm like worshiping one over the other. I don't worship either. I feel sorry for them both because they stay unhappy. But that's their decision.
I'm tired. And I feel like the people who read this get my point that I've changed. I hope they do. I'm done being a person that I'm not. I still love all of my friends and find them hilarious. But I'm no longer going to try to be them in order for them to like me. They'll have to accept me as is or I guess they aren't worth it. That should make for an interesting first couple weeks back at school.
See, I'm obviously still working out some trust issues. But something did happen recently that's made trusting a little difficult. For another entry though! I have some reading to do. :)
PS: My little dragon mood guy? It looks like he has on head gear for braces!