(no subject)
so.... I went to another meeting...
there was a guy in his 60's there. bipolar. apparently been struggling with it all his life. listening to his story about loss and recent events in his life and his reaction to them and his hindsight reaction, i understood something... aside from the fact that i could relate to this guy.
I have a horrible way with words and the way i talk to people... I never hold other people responsible for their negative outburts and i always hold myself responsible for any slight deviation from cruising along and/or positive/happy.
now on their own, these things don't really seem like much... but together it's kinda ruined me and my relationships with others. I shouldn't put people above whats considered acceptable behavior and say they're exempt from any repercussions, also i shouldn't be always holding myself to this unobtainable goal of emotional stability and awareness. sure everyone should strive to think about what they do and say, but it's impossible to know about everything and everyones tastes.
just listening to this old guy tell his story and how lowly he treated himself while treating others like they're simply better people and not only allowed but agreed with them, to get angry at him for something that was obviously an accident or the other persons fault.
He's been through the ring of psychs and councilors and it sounds like he was taught the same thing.
"You are emotionally unstable, you have to carefully think about what what you do and say to make sure it's an appropriate response, let alone the fact that it may trigger to something more emotionally unstable"
but in the heat of it, i find this is really impossible to do. the emotions at the time cloud everything so i can't even see that it's possibly an inapropriate (or even apropriate and that the other person/s is inapropriatly reacting) response/action. then afterwards i beat myself up consistently for weeks if not months (even years in some cases), occasionally bringing myself to tears of remorse.
"normal" people seem to accept what happens deal with it and move on. I can't. well i probably could if i trained myself differently, but i don't think i would even have the possibility of surviving my own emotional backlash if i have a mania/suicidal episode.
i don't often meet people with a similar ailment as my own, so listening to this poor guy talk opened my eyes a bit.
let alone realise how pathetic and self serving it seems on the outside.
but i can tell you one thing. it is anything but.
there was a guy in his 60's there. bipolar. apparently been struggling with it all his life. listening to his story about loss and recent events in his life and his reaction to them and his hindsight reaction, i understood something... aside from the fact that i could relate to this guy.
I have a horrible way with words and the way i talk to people... I never hold other people responsible for their negative outburts and i always hold myself responsible for any slight deviation from cruising along and/or positive/happy.
now on their own, these things don't really seem like much... but together it's kinda ruined me and my relationships with others. I shouldn't put people above whats considered acceptable behavior and say they're exempt from any repercussions, also i shouldn't be always holding myself to this unobtainable goal of emotional stability and awareness. sure everyone should strive to think about what they do and say, but it's impossible to know about everything and everyones tastes.
just listening to this old guy tell his story and how lowly he treated himself while treating others like they're simply better people and not only allowed but agreed with them, to get angry at him for something that was obviously an accident or the other persons fault.
He's been through the ring of psychs and councilors and it sounds like he was taught the same thing.
"You are emotionally unstable, you have to carefully think about what what you do and say to make sure it's an appropriate response, let alone the fact that it may trigger to something more emotionally unstable"
but in the heat of it, i find this is really impossible to do. the emotions at the time cloud everything so i can't even see that it's possibly an inapropriate (or even apropriate and that the other person/s is inapropriatly reacting) response/action. then afterwards i beat myself up consistently for weeks if not months (even years in some cases), occasionally bringing myself to tears of remorse.
"normal" people seem to accept what happens deal with it and move on. I can't. well i probably could if i trained myself differently, but i don't think i would even have the possibility of surviving my own emotional backlash if i have a mania/suicidal episode.
i don't often meet people with a similar ailment as my own, so listening to this poor guy talk opened my eyes a bit.
let alone realise how pathetic and self serving it seems on the outside.
but i can tell you one thing. it is anything but.