(no subject)

[virlib]

STOP WITH THE FUCKING PRETENSES! You're not being real to ME, and what's infinitely worse, you're not being real to YOURSELF! Why, when reality is shaky enough as it is, do you think you have to be something your not? Stop lying you're screwing everything up!

I don't want to sing
I don't want to draw
I don't want to look at the world
I don't want to smile

I'm allowed to have a bad day
so back the fuck off!
Don't try to make me interact

I don't want to eat
I don't want to bathe
I don't want to listen
I don't really want to write
I have to convince myself that I'm here

Fuck
Drunk
Numb
Not numb enough
Worried
Can't keep letting myself do this
it's not authentic
Might as well eat
I can at least do that well

CONSUME CONSUME CONSUME
........gotta work in the morning......
(afterthought).......I know what's bothering me......I've plateaued.
I grew to a point and then i was influenced by the idea of belonging
I became complacent
Must keep open, must keep growing.

Stagnant immobility of choice
still
not moving
trapped by indecision
the feeling of knowing you have to do something but you lack the means to actually do it. The "means" being the courage, the clarity of mind, the.....whatever it is that is holding you back from taking the plunge/that leap of faith
Impasse
limbo
the eternal question arises again.......
What do I do?