whine whine piss and moan
i've got a serious case of the post-party blues.
i'm tired of feeling useless. the weeks of continued gestating are stretching out ahead of me and they appear to be never ending. day after day of monotony: tv, knitting, reading, shower, lunch, internet. wash, rinse, repeat. over and over and over. i try to trick myself by doing stupid things to make each tomorrow look a little better, giving myself something to look forward to. for instance, i'm saving my martha magazine for monday. whoop-de-fucking-doo. i can't do anything except sit, feed myself, clean myself and sit again. i can partially clean, but can't be on my feet for more than a half-hour at a time and can't lift a damn thing. can't go out of the house two days in a row because of the stairs. i feel trapped -- limited because of my body's inability to carry my own child. i still get freaked out if i have more than two bh contractions in a row. i'm wracked with guilt if i forget my limitations and move something light or bend and twist too much and then have a contraction. now that it's been almost four weeks of inactivity, my body can't do anything anyways. how in the world am i supposed to push turtle out when i get tired after being up and about for three hours yesterday, most of it seated and eating? i can't walk, can't swim, can't stretch for fear i'll go into preterm labor. the idea of having a 31 week old baby -- that's fun to dwell on. wouldn't be able to breathe on it's own, can't regulate temperature, at risk for brain bleeds and cataracts, can't regulate blood sugar, can't eat -- the suck, swallow, breathe reflex doesn't even fully develop until 36-37 weeks. i mostly don't think that turtle is going to arrive early, but how does anyone really know? and god help us if people continue to say "everything is going to be ok. you're doing everything right by staying off your feet. turtle won't come early." really? you know this? direct line to the great spirit, huh? wonderful. it's not ok. and we don't know if everything will be alright in the end. we can hope, we can visualize this, we can pray. but let me tell you now, it's really not all ok. i know that the baby and baby's health is the most important thing in the world, saying it fifty-thousand times doesn't lessen nor increase its validity. until you've been forced to sit around every day for almost a month, shove off. watching the world continue around you -- people going to work, running errands, doing chores, cooking your meals -- all while you just sit and watch. i'm just tired of maintaining a good attitude. my smile is getting frayed around the edges.
i'm tired of feeling useless. the weeks of continued gestating are stretching out ahead of me and they appear to be never ending. day after day of monotony: tv, knitting, reading, shower, lunch, internet. wash, rinse, repeat. over and over and over. i try to trick myself by doing stupid things to make each tomorrow look a little better, giving myself something to look forward to. for instance, i'm saving my martha magazine for monday. whoop-de-fucking-doo. i can't do anything except sit, feed myself, clean myself and sit again. i can partially clean, but can't be on my feet for more than a half-hour at a time and can't lift a damn thing. can't go out of the house two days in a row because of the stairs. i feel trapped -- limited because of my body's inability to carry my own child. i still get freaked out if i have more than two bh contractions in a row. i'm wracked with guilt if i forget my limitations and move something light or bend and twist too much and then have a contraction. now that it's been almost four weeks of inactivity, my body can't do anything anyways. how in the world am i supposed to push turtle out when i get tired after being up and about for three hours yesterday, most of it seated and eating? i can't walk, can't swim, can't stretch for fear i'll go into preterm labor. the idea of having a 31 week old baby -- that's fun to dwell on. wouldn't be able to breathe on it's own, can't regulate temperature, at risk for brain bleeds and cataracts, can't regulate blood sugar, can't eat -- the suck, swallow, breathe reflex doesn't even fully develop until 36-37 weeks. i mostly don't think that turtle is going to arrive early, but how does anyone really know? and god help us if people continue to say "everything is going to be ok. you're doing everything right by staying off your feet. turtle won't come early." really? you know this? direct line to the great spirit, huh? wonderful. it's not ok. and we don't know if everything will be alright in the end. we can hope, we can visualize this, we can pray. but let me tell you now, it's really not all ok. i know that the baby and baby's health is the most important thing in the world, saying it fifty-thousand times doesn't lessen nor increase its validity. until you've been forced to sit around every day for almost a month, shove off. watching the world continue around you -- people going to work, running errands, doing chores, cooking your meals -- all while you just sit and watch. i'm just tired of maintaining a good attitude. my smile is getting frayed around the edges.