"Was Not" Was
"What Will Be Was Not"
Official site summary: Trance's misadventure into Seefra-1's tunnel system exposes the guardian of an ancient Vedran secret.
Ancient Vedran secret, huh? Sorry, couldn't resist.
The most enjoyable parts of the show were Rhade talking about his family and some moments in the bar brawl. Unfortunately, 96% of the episode was Trance- and Dylan-related, Beka being a rabid bitch, and the out of character moments of the bar brawl.
At the bar, Harper confronts Rhade with his tab, which takes up several pages. Rhade believes that Harper's padding his bill. Anyone who's watched him drink over season five knows better. Rhade shoves Harper aside hard, so hard that Harper hits a table and some bar patrons. Beka comes up, ostensibly defending Harper, and says that if Rhade weren't so drunk all the time, he'd realize that Harper has been giving him a "friends and family" discount all along. Seeing trouble, Harper puts himself between them and asks them to take it outside. Proving that this isn't really about Harper at all, Beka shoves Harper hard into some more bar patrons, then she has the nerve to hypocritically say, "Seriously, the Harper-bashing is getting a little bit old. If it isn't you whining about your bill, it's Doyle whining about that he didn't make her a real, live girl." Doyle, of course, walks in at that moment and takes offense. Beka sneers back about only machine ears being able to pick that up. Harper tries to stop Doyle from taking offense and ends with Beka being "on the--" "On the what?" Beka asks and shoves him again. Rhade sneers, "Way to bite the hand that protects you, kludge." Who the hell are these people? Harper gets up and asks, "This is protecting?" Damned right. "And don't call me 'kludge,' uber," Harper continues as he gets up in Rhade's face and Rhade tries to intimidate him down through size advantage. Annoyed, Doyle says, "I don't whine about not being... organic. It's not that great anyway," as she looks pointedly at Beka.
Harper has had it. He says that Rhade now has a zero drink maximum. Rhade responds by throwing him so hard he breaks a table, as Beka says, "Finally, an intervention." Rhade sneers that she must know all about those after her Flash addiction and being possessed by the Abyss. Beka punches him. All the people who have had Harper thrown at them have gotten pissed off and started a brawl, and our crew is now in it. Harper grabs Rhade around the waist and growls at him to take it outside. Rhade responds by throwing him through a window--which is fortunately covered by slats instead of glass--and asks if that's outside enough for him. Can we kill Rhade and Beka? Harper jumps on Rhade's back. The sheer force of the brawl is forcibly taking it outside. Beka is pulling hair. This is pathetic. Outside, at some times people are hitting each other with vegetables. The brawl gets carried back inside, with Doyle pointedly stepping aside. Harper, covering one eye, casts her a "what the hell is wrong with people?" look before walking into his bar and chaos. The paying customers are gone, leaving only people who are breaking things. The part of his face around his left eye is magenta and swollen, bruised. Angry, he goes to the bar, gets a big gun, and shoots at the ceiling. Parts of which immediately fall down on him, which distracts the fighters from their fight and gets them laughing at the funny wee man instead. Foremost among the laughers are his crewmates. I've really come to hate this show this season. Trance stumbles in.
Once Rhade stops laughing he says that this felt good, and Beka agrees. So, what, did she deliberately pick a fight? Harper, who's the only one showing damage, says, "Yeah, I guess," with no enthusiasm. Beka's surprised they haven't killed each other yet. They all agree that life trapped in a stinkhole like Seefra sucks. Rhade says, "We all know whose fault that is." Harper gives Rhade a "behind you" head move and Rhade and Beka turn to see Trance, which takes the smugness right off their stupid faces. Doyle says, "Oh, Trance, he didn't mean you." Trance runs off.
On the Andromeda, Dylan's frustrated as hell that he can't get anything on the ship to work. He then apologizes to Andromeda, saying, "It's not you, it's me. It's my inability to get you more power in this godforsaken place." Trance hears that too. Of course, this being season five and Trance, instead of thinking of anything productive she runs off with a very final "Goodbye, Dylan" for a crying fit, probably intending to abandon the crew. Because that will make everything better.
On Seefra-1, Dylan gets Doyle to tell him what happened. She eventually tells him that Trance overheard something she might have misinterpreted, namely Rhade saying that now they know why "everything was lost." Dylan's annoyed that "a bullet" meant for him hit Trance instead--oh no, we should blame her as well as you, Dylan!--and now she's gone. When he says he's going into the tunnels to look for her, Doyle agrees to go with him since she's been here three years longer. What? Doyle and Harper were on Seefra-7 in "Phear Phactor Phenom," not Seefra-1! Yeah, geographically the Seefras might be about the same but that shouldn't mean you can assume everything else is. I hate the writers this season.
In the tunnels Trance is weeping, where she's found by a tunnel guard who's taken by her looks and plight. He says that it's not safe, because there are traps. When asked if she wants to hide or lose herself, she says both. He decides that she's a princess. The guard, Orlund, says that he's following the sacred duty his father had before him, to maintain the tunnels and keep their secrets. This is so boring. Trance tells him that her secret is that she ruins people's lives. I know it's meant to be self-pity, but c'mon, it's true.
Doyle knows directions because she picked up some facts about the tunnels from the Methus diagram. Dylan says that if Andromeda were at full capacity he could just find Trance, to which Doyle answers that if Andromeda were at full capacity he wouldn't be on Seefra anymore. Dylan and Doyle find a tunnel dweller camp and pick through it. When tunnel dwellers attack them for trespassing, they shoot them down, because it's not a season five episode unless Dylan kills people. Not that the show has ever explained the tunnel dwellers, so it's not like the writers classify them as people. Hey, if folks kept wandering through my home and then killed us for trying to stop them, I would be pissed off and aggressive too.
After the killing's done, Dylan says that he hopes Trance didn't meet with the tunnel dwellers since she doesn't know how to defend herself or use her powers. Dylan and Doyle says that as hard as it is for the others to deal with being here, lost in space and time, it's far harder for Trance because she blames herself and has taken all the responsibility.
As well she should! Am I supposed to feel bad that manipulative Trance screwed herself over as well as everyone else and sorry for her that she doesn't remember what she used to be? Because I have to tell you that her current cute, innocent Faerie Queen look doesn't make me trust her.
Doyle asks if it's getting hotter in here or "are my sensors down?" She's become very conscious of her status as a machine very quickly. And most of Brandy Ledford's line readings seem really off this episode. Dylan says that they're getting closer to the planet's core. What? How long have they been traveling? Anyway, they find petrified people.
Orlund's playing tour guide to Trance. Growling tunnel dwellers shoot at them. Orlund fires at them, which petrifies them, as if turning them to stone. The gun is Vedran-made. She thinks it's beautiful. Because weapons that kill people in innovative ways are beautiful?
Harper, Beka, and Rhade are in the bar needling each other. In an earlier season this would have sounded teasing and affectionate, but here it just sounds mean. Beka and Rhade have been drinking so long that Beka says that Rhade's viewpoint has to be looking up. Harper says that Rhade's been drinking so long that she's starting to look pretty, and she slaps the back of his head hard. Usually I would find his remark mean, but after she threw him around and picked a bar fight that damaged the bar I can't quite blame him. Beka says that Rhade really has nothing left. See how I can't blame Harper for making mean remarks about her? Harper says that Rhade shouldn't be so glum. Somewhere out there everything could be waiting for him, maybe in an alternate universe. He's being sweet. She mentions that Rhade could still have been Admiral Rhade of Tarazed (see "Home Fires") and he mentions that he had a wife and three children. They're dead. Beka and Harper look really sorry, while I was thinking "Yes!" He's Nietzschean, so of course he had a wife and children. Producing offspring is their raison d'etre. And the fact that they'd died gives Rhade another reason--a good, real reason--for joining Dylan's crew than season four's simple-minded "you're an incredible man and I want to kiss your boots" explanation. Rhade asks if maybe there's another Beka Valentine on another Maru with another Seamus Harper riding shotgun and maybe that Beka and Harper were erased by this Beka and Harper arriving here. Rhade doesn't feel like drinking in public anymore, saying, "Party's over," so he leaves. For a few moments this show was Andromeda again, remembering continuity and feeling genuine emotion.
Then we're back to Trance blithering, puffing up the ego of her not-quite-right savior. He tells her he inherited the job of protecting this and other hidden technology. The tunnel dwellers want the secrets but can't possibly understand or deserve them. He's egotistical and sneering enough to be a Vedran minion, but he's self-appointed. "I often wondered what it would be like to be the one to be saved. It's nice," Trance says. What, as opposed to being the one saving others? Oh, she and Orlund so deserve each. He makes my teeth grind further by calling her "princess" and "Your Highness." He leads her to a chamber that holds eight doors with small cradles next to each. In the center of the room, there are the keys to the doors, the tesseract portals to each planet in the system. He says that he used to just clean the tunnels rails, as his father did, until he found this place.
Beka and Harper can't find Dylan on the Andromeda and Andromeda can't tell them where he is. Beka says that she misses Andromeda being a million times smarter than she is, to which Andromeda answers, "So do I." Beka and Harper wonder where Dylan went. And Doyle's missing too. Harper wonders if they're... together. Beka's ticked off that Dylan disappeared when he owes her 8,052 canaa that he knows she needs today. She tucks a sneer at Harper into the end of that. As the lights blink, Beka then sneers at Andromeda, with Harper immediately saying to Andromeda that Beka doesn't mean it. From a nearby screen Andromeda answers, "Yes she does, Harper." Worried, Harper activates Doyle's beacon, which he'd built into her, which gives Beka another opening to sneer at him. He says he did it in case she ran off (something that his Rommie-attempts did a lot, we were told in "Decay of the Angel"). Considering that Dylan has used the health nanobots he put into his pickup crew to track them in "The Widening Gyre".... Harper asks why there's no signal. They decide to check out the last transmission.
Orlund, full of himself, speechifies about the grandness of his task. He has used the doors to gain access to the many secrets the Vedrans left behind but he appears guilty about something. Each door leads to a Seefra. The keys allow him to do this. He shows her the High Guard patch he wears. She puffs him up over what a wonderful job he's doing at such a sacred duty.
Dylan and Doyle kill more tunnel dwellers. Before divulging anything else he's done that might anger the Vedrans, Orland hears an alarm beep, which Dylan and Doyle had set off. Orlund had set the traps he'd mentioned earlier. He leads her through the Seefra-2 door and leaves her in the Seefra-2 room, which appears identical, while he goes to check on his trap.
He finds Dylan and Doyle and pretends badly to be a feeble tunnel dweller--as if these two wouldn't slaughter him for that--until he is close enough to fire his weapon. He fires at Dylan, who writhes in pain but does not fall. Orlund is shocked at the lack of petrifaction and realizes that Dylan must be Paradine. The gun is a DNA sniffer that won't petrify people of Vedran descent. Orlund figures that Dylan was sent by the Paradine to punish him. Orlund tries the weapon on Doyle, who drops from the charge. He binds them both and leads them away, while Dylan quietly tells Doyle to play along to see what they can learn.
Orlund leads them to the same chamber but takes them through the Seefra-5 door into a room packed with crates and booty. When they try to question him, he tells them they must be hidden away so they cannot tell any other Paradine about him. When Doyle tells him they are just the first of an army of angry Paradine, with more are on the way, he calls their bluff, locking them in while saying he has a guest waiting for him. They guess that his guest is probably Trance. Doyle breaks them loose of their bonds, while Dylan tries to yell at the door to make it open. Dylan and Doyle are both very hot. Dylan looks for a place to sit but the crates are extremely hot. They find charged quartz inside heating up. Doyle says that Dylan only has six minutes to live with the toxic crystals heating up like this.
Trance is trying to commune with the first room's keys. She mentions Dylan, which Orlund overhears. He figures that she's part of Dylan's group of punishing Paradine. Trance tells him that she's a princess, remember? Orlund isn't having it and is getting angrier. He binds her and takes her back to Seefra-1.
Doyle and Dylan find treasures--furs and carvings as well as piles of money--from other Seefras. It looks a lot like Harper's treasures from "Phear Phactor Phenom" to me, though I don't think it's meant to. I have no idea how they know which Seefra things came from. They figure it's Orlund responsible, since Vedrans didn't hoard. (Since Vedrans have everything anyway.) Doyle wishes they'd killed Orlund. When Dylan tries to be calming, she tells him that she was programmed to freak out like any human would, so stop trying to manage her. He says he's trying to manage the situation, to which she answers if this is like how he managed to splinter his crew, strip them of everything, and leave them to scratch out a living in the middle of nowhere. Of course it's her headache talking not, oh, the truth. Dylan says that he does care about them! Dylan hugs her and says that they won't die here.
Harper and Beka find the place where Doyle's tracking signal went dead and all the petrified people. Harper, on first seeing one, instantly pulls his gun. He says he hopes this didn't happen to Dylan and Doyle.
As the temperature continues to rise Dylan finds a trap door under a huge rug. As Doyle comes to look, they see the box of quartz glow bright when she approaches, so she realizes that she's generating electromagnetic power that's charging the crystals. She offers to power down and "die" so Dylan can live, but Dylan has an idea. When he feels her neck for her subdermal power converter, she says that she's flattered but this isn't the time for this. It's one of the few line readings Ledford puts a good spin on during the episode. If the electromagnetic energy she emits affects the crystals, they can tweak her settings in order to manipulate the door's magnetic lock. He says that Rommie's switch was on the back of her neck. But Doyle's isn't. He feels down her back, down her back, down her back... there it is! I hope it's not where I think it is. She dials up her output and places her hand on the door, springing the lock. Apparently it really turns her on, because she looks very horny. Once she cycles down, she says that she discovers something new Harper programmed into her every day. I'm disgusted by the suggestiveness and tell myself that at least he obviously never used it. *sigh*
Trance cowers as Orlund tries to destroy the keys to all the other Seefras. She pleads with him to stop because that will destroy the planets as well but he's too insane to care and starts taking a hammer to the keys.
Harper and Beka dodge debris as the tunnels shake. Andromeda reports to them that Doyle's signal has reappeared on Seefra-5. Beka starts to object, but Harper turns off the comm and says not to say anything. He wants Andromeda to feel good about herself.
Dylan and Doyle emerge from underground on Seefra-5. Dylan recognizes it as 5 by the position of the suns. The music playing sounds like Harper's swing music from season two's "Belly of the Beast." Here, the bar is a store. Dylan and Doyle overhear Virgil Vox reporting of earthquakes and understand what is happening. Dylan realizes that each door is a tesseract portal to a different planet. They both somehow figure that Orlund is trying to destroy the key, thinking he is only destroying a key when actually the crystals hold the programming for each, entire planet.
They override the door by juicing Doyle up with the charged crystals. She gets some rush off it. They plunge back through the portal, interrupting Orlund, who is shocked and scared by their arrival. They try to explain but he is beyond hearing. Swept away by self-pity, he launches into a diatribe against all who don't appreciate his and his father's work. As he lifts the hammer or whatever to strike again for the coup de grace, Trance tries to tear the rifle off him while Dylan and Doyle duck for cover behind the key table. They struggle for control of the gun until Trance realizes he is letting her win. He wants her to kill him, to finish it and put him out of his misery so he won't be punished. He lets go of the gun and admits to using the Vedran technology to loot the other planets. Invoking his position as a High Guard Captain, he gives Orlund the praise he never received and orders him to keep his post in the tunnels, guarding these secret chambers. Recognized at last, Orlund salutes him, says "Yes, Captain," and agrees. Dylan pushes back Orlund's cloak, revealing his High Guard insignia, and tells him to remember the ideals this stands for. How did Dylan know he had that? Is this one of his magical Paradine powers? Trance tells Orlund that he made her a princess. Gag me.
When the crew is back aboard Andromeda, Dylan gives out back pay donated from Orlund's stockpiles. He also donated all the crystal quartz, which was enough to bring Andromeda up to seventy-percent power. Andromeda comes up on screen, herself again, and her hologram pops up. She's fully functional. With another thirty percent more, they might be able to get Rommie back. I dunno. Given what Harper did with Seefra's highly limited resources to create Doyle, I don't think they need another 30. Besides, it seems like Rommie needs a therapist instead of more power. They're still stuck here, but they're closer to getting out.
Harper grabs Rhade's purse of pay for the bar tab, but Rhade stares at him until Harper gives it back. Beka claims that she knew Dylan was good for it all along. Rhade says that they have to find the solution in themselves, which Beka takes personally because she's been an unreasoning bitch this episode. Rhade gives Harper the purse and Dylan the flask, saying that he's quitting drinking. Beka says that it looks like Trance saved three lives today. Gag me! As Rhade leaves, Harper yells to him to "wait up, buddy" and they do a friendly arm grab. (By the way, Harper's face is nearly healed, making me wonder how much later from the rest of the episode this scene on the bridge could possibly be taking place.) When Beka leaves, she tells Trance to come along. Trance grins, and Beka puts her arm over Trance's shoulders. They leave. Doyle says that she knows Dylan could have stopped Orlund, but he said that Trance needed to do it to regain self-confidence.
THE END
Well, that had excruciatingly dull stretches. Anything with Trance and Orlund made me want to throw things. Doyle is getting closer to Dylan. Gah. We're now expected to feel sorry for Trance because she feels bad. Gah. Rhade and Beka should be taken out back and shot. I used to have such great affection and respect for Beka. Brandy Ledford as Doyle had been pretty good until this episode, in which 98% of her line readings were odd.
"What Will Be Was Not" gets a C-.
Next week: Reruns! My long nightmare goes on hiatus! Whooo!
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