A bit deep for a Monday morning...
I've been thinking about my youth a lot lately. Memories of my grandmother, of me as a little girl, and the experiences I had growing up. I'm not sure if I'm feeling sad when I think of them. Sometimes I am, but for the most part, I think I'm yearning to fill some void that my past has left in me. Maybe it's guilt for not having been there for my grandmother when she died. Maybe I'm feeling guilty about the relationship I have with my mother. I wish we would see eye to eye on a lot of things, but that just isn't possible for us right now. Maybe I'm just wondering how the heck I got here and I'm looking to trace my steps.
V's been doing a lot of searching on the 2012 phenomenon. He's been finding some theories around the web that point to it being a kind of reconstruction of the concious mind. It makes me want to just bide my time for that instead of putting so much effort into the here and now. I would love to take a few years off, head to Mexico, and just wait for the tides to shift. I'd love some concrete answers to the big questions in life. You all know the ones; why am I here, what is my purpose, the usual. I would like to feel connected, and right now, I just... don't. Some of the things we find to pass the time with are so pointless. Celebrities, school, even the news. I beleive they are meant to distract us from being able to find the switch to turn the higher power on. I realize that sounds a little cracky, but ever since adolescence, I've felt that I don't belong here. What the present has to offer just isn't what I'm looking for, you know? Maybe I'm ranting because I feel the twinge of emotion I swore I would never feel; Regret. And it's killing me. I've made my choices, and continue doing so each and every day. And still, it isn't enough.
You know, I would love some free education. I think everyone in this society could use some of that. Maybe then, we wouldn't have all the violence we have going on. If people could just understand what they're feeling, then take the necessary steps to accept those feelings, we as a nation would be so much better off. Yes, I've come to accept that there are some things that happen without rhyme or reason, but for the most part, even in those chance situations, there was at least one person who made a choice that affected everyone down the line.
I've chosen never to have children. Unfortunately, there's a war waging within me that has the majority vote at 60/40. I like kids, I really do. I babysit for my friend and I find joy in being a kid at heart. So if by some strech of the imagination, my body manages to convince 11% of my mind that having a child has to happen, then that idea is pretty much shot. I would never want to raise a child in this mess of a planet we have. I wouldn't want to give it a flicker of hope only to watch someone else's choice dash it away. A part of me thinks that makes me a coward. As an animal, we must reproduce to give our species the opportunity to survive. Throughout history, we've been given the psychological and emotional aspects of having children and how it's a "blessing" and an important if not vital part of being human. Pages upon pages of books have given us glimpses of the endurance of the human spirit. Bearing a child is a well-traveled path to reaching the pinnicle of yourself. And yet, we place such little value on life once it's here. This sounds like I've got my own personal vendetta against whatever person or action hurt me during my own existance. It is true, I can almost remember the exact moment when the innocence within me gasped it's last breath. I imagine it would be the equivalent to holding a small animal in your hand and squeezing until you watch the life go out of its eyes. To imagine the cruelty of that action brings tears to my face and a pain in my heart. But it happens each and every day. And I know I would much rather have the chance to help alleviate another innocent person's pain than be obliged to focus on that which I have willingly brought into this world. Why people continue to create new problems without first solving old ones is baffling, to say the least. It's as though we continue to think like animals when it comes to that. With all of our advances in art, medicine, and technology, all those things we consider milestones to understanding our species, we are still but an invisible spec in the universe.
I am agnostic. I'll get that out of the way now. I was born and raised Catholic, but in the end, I consider myself an unanswered question. No religion that I've ever studied has been able to put the whole puzzle together in such a way that is unquestionable. And the simple reason for that is because it's nothing more than history. A form of entertainment that our inquisitive minds brought forth as thought, then as word, then it just spiraled from there. Could Jesus have just as easily been an alien? Yeah, he could have. Could "God" have been early man's attempt to understand his thoughts and emotions and put a concrete image in front of their eyes? Sure. Is it possible that history and present day consider "good" and "evil" synonomous with one another? Obviously! I consider questions to be a right that every living thing should have. Whether we consider other living things capable of such thought, we haven't developed the ability to negate that. So here I am, at this piont on the grid that we haven't quite mapped out, asking questions that have answers through infinity.
And it might sound strange, but in having put all these thoughts down, I think I feel a bit of relief from the weight that not knowing puts upon me.
V's been doing a lot of searching on the 2012 phenomenon. He's been finding some theories around the web that point to it being a kind of reconstruction of the concious mind. It makes me want to just bide my time for that instead of putting so much effort into the here and now. I would love to take a few years off, head to Mexico, and just wait for the tides to shift. I'd love some concrete answers to the big questions in life. You all know the ones; why am I here, what is my purpose, the usual. I would like to feel connected, and right now, I just... don't. Some of the things we find to pass the time with are so pointless. Celebrities, school, even the news. I beleive they are meant to distract us from being able to find the switch to turn the higher power on. I realize that sounds a little cracky, but ever since adolescence, I've felt that I don't belong here. What the present has to offer just isn't what I'm looking for, you know? Maybe I'm ranting because I feel the twinge of emotion I swore I would never feel; Regret. And it's killing me. I've made my choices, and continue doing so each and every day. And still, it isn't enough.
You know, I would love some free education. I think everyone in this society could use some of that. Maybe then, we wouldn't have all the violence we have going on. If people could just understand what they're feeling, then take the necessary steps to accept those feelings, we as a nation would be so much better off. Yes, I've come to accept that there are some things that happen without rhyme or reason, but for the most part, even in those chance situations, there was at least one person who made a choice that affected everyone down the line.
I've chosen never to have children. Unfortunately, there's a war waging within me that has the majority vote at 60/40. I like kids, I really do. I babysit for my friend and I find joy in being a kid at heart. So if by some strech of the imagination, my body manages to convince 11% of my mind that having a child has to happen, then that idea is pretty much shot. I would never want to raise a child in this mess of a planet we have. I wouldn't want to give it a flicker of hope only to watch someone else's choice dash it away. A part of me thinks that makes me a coward. As an animal, we must reproduce to give our species the opportunity to survive. Throughout history, we've been given the psychological and emotional aspects of having children and how it's a "blessing" and an important if not vital part of being human. Pages upon pages of books have given us glimpses of the endurance of the human spirit. Bearing a child is a well-traveled path to reaching the pinnicle of yourself. And yet, we place such little value on life once it's here. This sounds like I've got my own personal vendetta against whatever person or action hurt me during my own existance. It is true, I can almost remember the exact moment when the innocence within me gasped it's last breath. I imagine it would be the equivalent to holding a small animal in your hand and squeezing until you watch the life go out of its eyes. To imagine the cruelty of that action brings tears to my face and a pain in my heart. But it happens each and every day. And I know I would much rather have the chance to help alleviate another innocent person's pain than be obliged to focus on that which I have willingly brought into this world. Why people continue to create new problems without first solving old ones is baffling, to say the least. It's as though we continue to think like animals when it comes to that. With all of our advances in art, medicine, and technology, all those things we consider milestones to understanding our species, we are still but an invisible spec in the universe.
I am agnostic. I'll get that out of the way now. I was born and raised Catholic, but in the end, I consider myself an unanswered question. No religion that I've ever studied has been able to put the whole puzzle together in such a way that is unquestionable. And the simple reason for that is because it's nothing more than history. A form of entertainment that our inquisitive minds brought forth as thought, then as word, then it just spiraled from there. Could Jesus have just as easily been an alien? Yeah, he could have. Could "God" have been early man's attempt to understand his thoughts and emotions and put a concrete image in front of their eyes? Sure. Is it possible that history and present day consider "good" and "evil" synonomous with one another? Obviously! I consider questions to be a right that every living thing should have. Whether we consider other living things capable of such thought, we haven't developed the ability to negate that. So here I am, at this piont on the grid that we haven't quite mapped out, asking questions that have answers through infinity.
And it might sound strange, but in having put all these thoughts down, I think I feel a bit of relief from the weight that not knowing puts upon me.