Life is weird
So I just "celebrated" my third anniversary. I say "celebrated" because we spent two hours at dinner, with him staring out the window absorbed in thought, while I babbled, trying to engage him in conversation. Needless to say, it could have been better. But it's been the best so far. The first one he was bedridden, the second I don't even remember.
But it hit me yesterday that I started going to tournies 10 years ago. I know a lot of you have been going for all 12, but for me, 10 years went by in an instant. For anyone who doesn't know, I don't deal well with the passage of time. Since I turned 18, my memory has gotten progressively worse. Therefore I tend to forget a lot of things, making time pass like lightning. I also realized that I began my doomed relationship with a man I still have feelings for at my first Tournie. We were both spoken for, as usual, but it didn't stop us then, or anytime after. We just couldn't control ourselves. I can't help wondering what would have happened if I hadn't left him. I know I did the right thing, but I have so many "what-ifs" in my head. I guess maybe if I was happy now, I might not wonder so much. But, since I'm not, I can't stop the "what-ifs" from creeping in. I miss the passion and the uncontrollable desire. I miss feeling like I NEED to be with someone. I'm sure it's just the stress of life that's killed all the passion in my life, but man it sucks. I want to be that free-spirited, emotionally charged person I used to be, but maybe without all the sleeping around :) I know some women can still be mothers and the people they were before. I just wish I knew how.
Anyways, I'm done ranting. I miss you guys up there. I'm trying to come up in August. I'm sure my husband will protest, but I'm going to try to make it to Karaoke.
Oh my gods. I just heard my 4 year old trying to teach her sister the Pleadge of Allegiance. I didn't even know she knew it. Man they've gotten big.
But it hit me yesterday that I started going to tournies 10 years ago. I know a lot of you have been going for all 12, but for me, 10 years went by in an instant. For anyone who doesn't know, I don't deal well with the passage of time. Since I turned 18, my memory has gotten progressively worse. Therefore I tend to forget a lot of things, making time pass like lightning. I also realized that I began my doomed relationship with a man I still have feelings for at my first Tournie. We were both spoken for, as usual, but it didn't stop us then, or anytime after. We just couldn't control ourselves. I can't help wondering what would have happened if I hadn't left him. I know I did the right thing, but I have so many "what-ifs" in my head. I guess maybe if I was happy now, I might not wonder so much. But, since I'm not, I can't stop the "what-ifs" from creeping in. I miss the passion and the uncontrollable desire. I miss feeling like I NEED to be with someone. I'm sure it's just the stress of life that's killed all the passion in my life, but man it sucks. I want to be that free-spirited, emotionally charged person I used to be, but maybe without all the sleeping around :) I know some women can still be mothers and the people they were before. I just wish I knew how.
Anyways, I'm done ranting. I miss you guys up there. I'm trying to come up in August. I'm sure my husband will protest, but I'm going to try to make it to Karaoke.
Oh my gods. I just heard my 4 year old trying to teach her sister the Pleadge of Allegiance. I didn't even know she knew it. Man they've gotten big.