The Tough Confession
I really ought to post more notes here. I need a place to outlet, where I can sincerely show my true feelings, and Goodness knows that is hard enough.
Because the truth is I really don't like this life anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love my life in green, my life in uniform in so many ways.Just not in the way I'm living it now.
I loved my friends in the village, the close to family bonds our common mission provides us with. But now all of them are gone. There is no-one left. No-one to talk to, no-one to joke with. My daily highlight are the lunches where I get to go to the Officer's Mess where I hopefully get to see other people, anybody, please.
No-one in my class goes there to eat - which in itself is odd, since the food there way surpasses anything I would be able to do at home and to a far more reasonable price - but in a way I am pleased with that since it gives me an opportunity to get to know the rest of the people at the school, our elder class for example. Today one of them offered me to buy his off-road bike with acessories, including helmet and body armour, for 8000 SEK, which is a pretty good price considering he bought the bike alone for 9500 SEK. From having a trully sucky day where I spent the entire morning wondering what I was really doing here, to becoming genuinely cheerful was a well-needed change.
We get payed now. Doesn't help me much anyway since I suck at handling money and is still broke the days before payday, but after two years of NOTHING it ought to be some relief to go to school knowing you at least will be rewarded for your effort. Each day I get through I can think back upon knowing I earned fifteen hundred kronas. It ought to be some comfort.
Yet it isn't.
All I can think of is how dearly I want to get away from here and do something else, somewhere else. Anything. I even consider going civilian, for the first time in years. I yearn for responsibilities, for some meaningful task. I know I would do great, I just don't get the opportunity to show it. The people I study with are, with few exceptions, fatally boring or just simple-minded morons, and I am not sure I can stand one more year with them.
And in the middle of this I still have a hard time showing - to anybody - that I am not the merry, cheeky ray of sunshine who's always pleasant to everybody. It's taken a year and a new teacher for the school board to realize that I am not alright. Perhaps this is also the reason why I am not writing much anymore. Because not matter how dear your friends are, it is always painful to admit that you are alone.