(no subject)
I am in a bit of a foul mood, and I really don't care. My roommate traipsed in this afternoon and announced she'd been fired from her (one remaining) job, and then had the audacity to tell me she thinks we 'both need to make an effort to keep the apartment clean and she feels like she's doing all the work.'
This coming from the newly crowned Queen of Lousy Life Decisions, who also happens to think washing dishes=rinsing them for a few seconds with cold water.
Toldya.
Anyway. I've been feeling a bit trapped lately. Not the sort of closed-in feeling from last month, but, a sort of stasis: I feel I'm not working hard enough for anything right now, and that I don't deserve for things to be going as well as they are. I have always been one to panic in the face of seriousness, and I am panicking now.
I am not a very well-adjusted person.
But more than stasis: my inner supply of devo is drying up: I am giving more of myself away than what I am getting back from others, which in my case invariably leads to resenting other people's neediness. Don't get me wrong: those of you who actually read this know I give of myself very generously when I have reason to believe it will come back to benefit me. The problem seems to be, the benefits are a bit slow in coming, and meanwhile, my own ... figurative suppliers, shall we say, the things and people who replenish me, have dwindled. So, where normally I'd happily overextend myself a bit to make a good investment, I am finding, at the moment, that I can't and just don't wanna. Why should I always have to feed others at the expense of starving myself?
I find myself with a logical dilemma or two, the natures of which I can't really explain openly here. Wanting to do something is sometimes not the same thing as having the ability to do something. And not being able to do something does not amount to not wanting to do something. And so on. Sometimes I am a rubber band, and need to snap back to looseness lest I break from being stretched too far.
Sometimes is right now, and I am relaxing in the metaphysical sense. I've just done some metaphysically useful things, and am starting to feel a microscopic bit better.
Still trying to find the balance of needs and wants and oughts, but it's getting a bit easier.
This coming from the newly crowned Queen of Lousy Life Decisions, who also happens to think washing dishes=rinsing them for a few seconds with cold water.
Toldya.
Anyway. I've been feeling a bit trapped lately. Not the sort of closed-in feeling from last month, but, a sort of stasis: I feel I'm not working hard enough for anything right now, and that I don't deserve for things to be going as well as they are. I have always been one to panic in the face of seriousness, and I am panicking now.
I am not a very well-adjusted person.
But more than stasis: my inner supply of devo is drying up: I am giving more of myself away than what I am getting back from others, which in my case invariably leads to resenting other people's neediness. Don't get me wrong: those of you who actually read this know I give of myself very generously when I have reason to believe it will come back to benefit me. The problem seems to be, the benefits are a bit slow in coming, and meanwhile, my own ... figurative suppliers, shall we say, the things and people who replenish me, have dwindled. So, where normally I'd happily overextend myself a bit to make a good investment, I am finding, at the moment, that I can't and just don't wanna. Why should I always have to feed others at the expense of starving myself?
I find myself with a logical dilemma or two, the natures of which I can't really explain openly here. Wanting to do something is sometimes not the same thing as having the ability to do something. And not being able to do something does not amount to not wanting to do something. And so on. Sometimes I am a rubber band, and need to snap back to looseness lest I break from being stretched too far.
Sometimes is right now, and I am relaxing in the metaphysical sense. I've just done some metaphysically useful things, and am starting to feel a microscopic bit better.
Still trying to find the balance of needs and wants and oughts, but it's getting a bit easier.