hey look! i am not dead!
This is a long-needed update. I am sorry but I rambled on for a long time. I was feeling depressed and when that happens I feel the need to reflect on things and look for a way to move forward. Usually it helps. This time it didn’t, but if you are bored, this can be something interesting to read for a little while.
I’ll put this in a cut after I figure out how to do so. I just know that there are some of you out there who actually read this to see what is going on, and I decided to stop torturing you.
Ok, I know that there is probably only one of you, and you were there for a lot of this. But I am posting it anyways. You said that you like to read this stuff.
A lot has happened lately. I am not quite sure how I am dealing with it. Sometimes I think that I am fine, and then sometimes, like now, well, I guess I am not as ok as I thought. I don’t even know where to start.
My mom is in Virginia. This is something that she did at my grandma’s request. My granddad is much sicker than I was told. His kidneys are not functioning well at all. He has to go on dialysis. And my grandma can’t do things by herself. My uncles, who both live in Virginia, are not helping her. So my mom is there. And I really admire my mom for that. Taking care of my grandparents like that must be hard. I was thinking about it, and I know that I have spent a large part of my recent life not liking my mom, like since sophomore year of high school, and it seems like just as things were getting better between me and her. And then she has to go. And out of this, I have found the first thing that I want to have in common with her. I want to be as dependable as my mom is to her family and friends. Whenever someone needs something from her, my mom tries her hardest to help, and I want to be like that. That may not sound like much, but that is a huge step for me. I used to want to be nothing like my mom, and I tried so hard to be completely different from her. And I realize how bad it is to say things like that, but that is what my mindset was for a very long time. I think that I really am a bad person, and a bad daughter for feeling this way. But I want to make it better. I want to be a good person. I called her a couple of nights ago, and I almost cried because I miss her so much, and because I feel so bad for the way that I have been. And I think that I almost cried because I am sick, but that is me getting ahead of myself.
Anyways, my mom obviously ran our household well, because the house hasn’t exploded. It stays relatively clean and everyone eats and stuff. I was told when she left that I wouldn’t have to take on any extra responsibilities, but that didn’t happen. But the good news is, when mom left, they let me use her car.
The problem with having the car is that means that the boys didn’t get it, and they felt that they deserved it. And me being the person that I am, I felt guilty that I had taken it from them, so I would bring the boys the car whenever I wasn’t using it. This means that I spent a lot more time at our house. Well, Dj used the car once to go to an interview at bruegger’s bagels, where he got the job. That was bad news for me, because I had to keep driving to that side of town to get him to work and home again. So, I decided, since I was spending so much time on that side of town, I should get a job there too, so that I’ll get paid for the time I am spending there. So I put in an application and Dj said that I should get the job, because I know him. But I didn’t hear back from them for like a week and a half.
In the meantime, dad was going car shopping a lot more, and taking us with him. But not too much was happening there, we just spent a lot of time outside in the heat.
Also, Dj applied at Lowe’s, so that he can quit his job at Safeway.
A couple of weeks ago, all of the car shopping and patience actually paid off, and we bought cars. Dj bought a Chevy Aveo, and I bought a KIA Rio. I love my car. I love the fact that it works, for the most part. There were a couple of minor problems with it, and half were fixed, and the rest will be fixed soon. I really enjoy driving it. Seriously, after a long hard day of work, I instantly cheer up because I get to drive my car.
The day after buying the car, bruegger’s called me for an interview. I didn’t need to drive Dj to work anymore, but I took the job, because I have to pay for this car. And other things like furniture and trips and food and gas and rent and stuff. Working there is pretty fun. The people are nice, and the work is not too hard. The only problem I am having is that my shifts can start as early as 5:30. Which I can get used to, I guess. It’s just that most nights at Austin’s go as late as 11 or midnight. But I am adjusting, for the most part.
Coriann moved into the condo. That is so fun. Now she gets to unpack and decorate. That is the best part of moving.
I have been spending a lot of time with Coriann and Brandon. I really like that. I sometimes think that they are the only thing keeping me sane. And it is great because we have a lot of fun. And I also know that if I need anything, they will be there for me. And that is an awesome feeling to have.
Coriann, Brandon and I went to the drive-in and saw Madagascar. It was a funny movie. It didn’t make much sense, but it was fun to have a break from the seriousness of life.
A few days ago I caught a cold. Or the flu. Whichever. I am sick and not liking it. The other day I worked at bruegger’s and after that I was so ill I called in to Austin’s. I wasn’t actually sick to the point where I couldn’t do anything when I called in, but by the time I should have been at work, I was there. I got worse fast. And I was at Brandon’s house when it happened. I took some thera-flu and slept for a few hours and woke up not feeling much better. I also fell asleep during finding Nemo, which sucks. Anywho, I ended up sleeping there for the night.
The next day (yesterday) I went to work, then to Brandon’s house and I was off from Austin’s. So I came to the apartment, showered, brushed my teeth and stuff and then took a couple of boxes to my parent’s house.
That’s right, I started moving back home. That is scary. I do not know how things are going to be when I move back completely. Although on the 14th, Aunt Ronda, Deonté, Denise, and jenny are going to Virginia to visit my grandparents and relatives and for Monique’s graduation. But when they get back, I don’t know how it is going to be. When they are gone I don’t know either. I know the guys expect me to cook and stuff for them, which can’t really happen, because I have two jobs, I won’t have time. Whatever.
Emily will be back in a week. I am excited. Although I feel a little torn, because I am so excited to see Emily and talk and hang out and stuff, but I don’t want to spend any less time with Brandon and Coriann.
Oh, and Denise (Yace) is coming back. She was discharged from the navy for underage drinking and because she wouldn’t tell who she was drinking with and who she got the alcohol from. She’ll be back next week. I am excited to see her too, but I am sad for her because she is so upset about being discharged and about leaving her boyfriend, and because she wasn’t supposed to be back for another year at least.
I feel weird because things are changing again. I am not one who adjusts to change well. Also because I feel like in the past year almost I have gone through so many feelings of great loss. At least pain. It seems as if the pain has outnumbered the happy and surrounded it and beat it up without any mercy. Sorry…that was unnecessary. But, when Emily left, I felt so bad, but so happy at the same time. And although I knew that she was coming back, I felt so bad. And then when I left I felt so bad, because I knew that I was causing that same pain to my parents and to my close friends, namely Brandon and Denise and maybe Jonathan. I don’t think that anyone else felt that bad that I was gone. Well, I think that Dj might have. Maybe Vincent too. But that’s about it. Part of that is my fault. I am not very open to people. I like people and I love to talk with them, but I don’t like talking about myself, and I think that I have trust issues and so people don’t get to close to me. It takes too much effort. In Florida I learned how to be more open; at least, more open than I was before. I still tend to hold back, but it takes a whole lot less effort to talk to me than it did before. And I learned to appreciate the people that I do have in my life. Great, huh? Anywho, when I got back, I found out a lot about my friends and made new friends and learned more about myself and what I can do. While I think that I have become stronger emotionally, I think that I have grown weaker physically. I get sick more often, and I had problems with my lungs for a whole semester. I believe some of it was stress induced, because I am feeling better, but at the same time, it has not gone away. And I can not lift heavy things like I once could. But oh well. I will just have to work on that.
Emotionally I have grown stronger. I have experienced so much, from loss, to abandonment, to anger, to confusion, unloved and unacceptable, to rejection, and also at the other end of the spectrum from feeling loved, really happy, excited, and hopeful. It’s weird, because when I feel the happy side of things, that is when I feel like I am going to be ok, and that makes me happier. And then there are some times that I feel like I am just horrid and depressing and that I don’t deserve to be around all of these great people and I don’t deserve anything good. I know that a lot of that is unjustified because I haven’t actually done anything bad. Aside from picking on people, and they know that I am kidding. Maybe I am depressed or something. Maybe all of this is getting to me. It is kind of overwhelming.
Today after work, Brandon, Katie James and I went to eat at Old Pueblo Grill and then we saw Star Wars Episode Three. I am so glad that I have finally seen it. I really enjoyed seeing it. I didn’t know that Anakin joined the dark side to save Padme from death. I thought that the great power that he could possess was that lured him in. That just shows that the power of love can do to people.
Man, I wish that someone could feel that way for me. I wouldn’t mind feeling like that for someone else.
But the weird thing is that with Brandon, I come close. I would do absolutely anything for him, absolutely anything. I could never intentionally do anything to hurt him. Ever. And I am pretty sure that he feels the same way about me. The odd thing is that we are never going to be more than good friends. And I am ok with that, don’t get me wrong. I like being really good friends, I just thought that I wouldn’t let myself feel this way for any guy unless I was going out with him and if he loved me that way. Brandon isn’t interested in that, and so I can’t feel that way for him. I can’t, that is just setting myself up to be hurt again, and nobody wants that. I mean, whenever he starts dating that would tear me apart if I still felt like I did before. So, I made it all go away. And it was hard. But I thought that I had done it. I mean, I have. Except for at random times I have dreams that suggest otherwise. I mean I put some on livejournal once. And then a couple of nights ago, when I slept over at his house I fell asleep while trying to watch finding Nemo (a second time). I dreamt that Brandon was talking about how sometimes he is as bad as every three seconds(think about it…you’ll figure it out) and he went on to say that he wished that he could fall asleep on someone right now. And I said that I wished I could do that for him, but I am too lumpy. And he said that he could deal with the lumps. And I don’t remember what happened next. Either I woke up and started watching the movie, or I started watching the movie in my dream (I have seen the movie enough times, and it was playing so that could be it) but that was all. I mean, that suggests that he would want to fall asleep on me, and that is impossible in real life. And I do not want to be having dreams like that. I want them to stop. I can move on if my subconscious were to leave me alone. Why won’t it leave me alone?
Speaking of relationships and stuff, Jonathan has finally admitted that he is in love with Emily and that he is ready to do something about it. He said as soon as she gets back, he will ask her out. How cool is that? I mean it may be kind of awkward, especially since she is getting back from being in Europe for a year, or ten months or whatever, and I am sure that she has changed. But at the same time, when I talk to her, one of the first people that she asks about is Jonathan. This will be weird for her, because I know that she loved Jon at one time too. But Jon never did anything before, because he was afraid. So she forced those feelings to go away. Which is hard (and I know) and it is odd to think about undoing those feelings. I am not sure that I would want to do it, you know?
Anyways, it looks like this post is waaaay too long, so I am going to stop now.
I’ll put this in a cut after I figure out how to do so. I just know that there are some of you out there who actually read this to see what is going on, and I decided to stop torturing you.
Ok, I know that there is probably only one of you, and you were there for a lot of this. But I am posting it anyways. You said that you like to read this stuff.
A lot has happened lately. I am not quite sure how I am dealing with it. Sometimes I think that I am fine, and then sometimes, like now, well, I guess I am not as ok as I thought. I don’t even know where to start.
My mom is in Virginia. This is something that she did at my grandma’s request. My granddad is much sicker than I was told. His kidneys are not functioning well at all. He has to go on dialysis. And my grandma can’t do things by herself. My uncles, who both live in Virginia, are not helping her. So my mom is there. And I really admire my mom for that. Taking care of my grandparents like that must be hard. I was thinking about it, and I know that I have spent a large part of my recent life not liking my mom, like since sophomore year of high school, and it seems like just as things were getting better between me and her. And then she has to go. And out of this, I have found the first thing that I want to have in common with her. I want to be as dependable as my mom is to her family and friends. Whenever someone needs something from her, my mom tries her hardest to help, and I want to be like that. That may not sound like much, but that is a huge step for me. I used to want to be nothing like my mom, and I tried so hard to be completely different from her. And I realize how bad it is to say things like that, but that is what my mindset was for a very long time. I think that I really am a bad person, and a bad daughter for feeling this way. But I want to make it better. I want to be a good person. I called her a couple of nights ago, and I almost cried because I miss her so much, and because I feel so bad for the way that I have been. And I think that I almost cried because I am sick, but that is me getting ahead of myself.
Anyways, my mom obviously ran our household well, because the house hasn’t exploded. It stays relatively clean and everyone eats and stuff. I was told when she left that I wouldn’t have to take on any extra responsibilities, but that didn’t happen. But the good news is, when mom left, they let me use her car.
The problem with having the car is that means that the boys didn’t get it, and they felt that they deserved it. And me being the person that I am, I felt guilty that I had taken it from them, so I would bring the boys the car whenever I wasn’t using it. This means that I spent a lot more time at our house. Well, Dj used the car once to go to an interview at bruegger’s bagels, where he got the job. That was bad news for me, because I had to keep driving to that side of town to get him to work and home again. So, I decided, since I was spending so much time on that side of town, I should get a job there too, so that I’ll get paid for the time I am spending there. So I put in an application and Dj said that I should get the job, because I know him. But I didn’t hear back from them for like a week and a half.
In the meantime, dad was going car shopping a lot more, and taking us with him. But not too much was happening there, we just spent a lot of time outside in the heat.
Also, Dj applied at Lowe’s, so that he can quit his job at Safeway.
A couple of weeks ago, all of the car shopping and patience actually paid off, and we bought cars. Dj bought a Chevy Aveo, and I bought a KIA Rio. I love my car. I love the fact that it works, for the most part. There were a couple of minor problems with it, and half were fixed, and the rest will be fixed soon. I really enjoy driving it. Seriously, after a long hard day of work, I instantly cheer up because I get to drive my car.
The day after buying the car, bruegger’s called me for an interview. I didn’t need to drive Dj to work anymore, but I took the job, because I have to pay for this car. And other things like furniture and trips and food and gas and rent and stuff. Working there is pretty fun. The people are nice, and the work is not too hard. The only problem I am having is that my shifts can start as early as 5:30. Which I can get used to, I guess. It’s just that most nights at Austin’s go as late as 11 or midnight. But I am adjusting, for the most part.
Coriann moved into the condo. That is so fun. Now she gets to unpack and decorate. That is the best part of moving.
I have been spending a lot of time with Coriann and Brandon. I really like that. I sometimes think that they are the only thing keeping me sane. And it is great because we have a lot of fun. And I also know that if I need anything, they will be there for me. And that is an awesome feeling to have.
Coriann, Brandon and I went to the drive-in and saw Madagascar. It was a funny movie. It didn’t make much sense, but it was fun to have a break from the seriousness of life.
A few days ago I caught a cold. Or the flu. Whichever. I am sick and not liking it. The other day I worked at bruegger’s and after that I was so ill I called in to Austin’s. I wasn’t actually sick to the point where I couldn’t do anything when I called in, but by the time I should have been at work, I was there. I got worse fast. And I was at Brandon’s house when it happened. I took some thera-flu and slept for a few hours and woke up not feeling much better. I also fell asleep during finding Nemo, which sucks. Anywho, I ended up sleeping there for the night.
The next day (yesterday) I went to work, then to Brandon’s house and I was off from Austin’s. So I came to the apartment, showered, brushed my teeth and stuff and then took a couple of boxes to my parent’s house.
That’s right, I started moving back home. That is scary. I do not know how things are going to be when I move back completely. Although on the 14th, Aunt Ronda, Deonté, Denise, and jenny are going to Virginia to visit my grandparents and relatives and for Monique’s graduation. But when they get back, I don’t know how it is going to be. When they are gone I don’t know either. I know the guys expect me to cook and stuff for them, which can’t really happen, because I have two jobs, I won’t have time. Whatever.
Emily will be back in a week. I am excited. Although I feel a little torn, because I am so excited to see Emily and talk and hang out and stuff, but I don’t want to spend any less time with Brandon and Coriann.
Oh, and Denise (Yace) is coming back. She was discharged from the navy for underage drinking and because she wouldn’t tell who she was drinking with and who she got the alcohol from. She’ll be back next week. I am excited to see her too, but I am sad for her because she is so upset about being discharged and about leaving her boyfriend, and because she wasn’t supposed to be back for another year at least.
I feel weird because things are changing again. I am not one who adjusts to change well. Also because I feel like in the past year almost I have gone through so many feelings of great loss. At least pain. It seems as if the pain has outnumbered the happy and surrounded it and beat it up without any mercy. Sorry…that was unnecessary. But, when Emily left, I felt so bad, but so happy at the same time. And although I knew that she was coming back, I felt so bad. And then when I left I felt so bad, because I knew that I was causing that same pain to my parents and to my close friends, namely Brandon and Denise and maybe Jonathan. I don’t think that anyone else felt that bad that I was gone. Well, I think that Dj might have. Maybe Vincent too. But that’s about it. Part of that is my fault. I am not very open to people. I like people and I love to talk with them, but I don’t like talking about myself, and I think that I have trust issues and so people don’t get to close to me. It takes too much effort. In Florida I learned how to be more open; at least, more open than I was before. I still tend to hold back, but it takes a whole lot less effort to talk to me than it did before. And I learned to appreciate the people that I do have in my life. Great, huh? Anywho, when I got back, I found out a lot about my friends and made new friends and learned more about myself and what I can do. While I think that I have become stronger emotionally, I think that I have grown weaker physically. I get sick more often, and I had problems with my lungs for a whole semester. I believe some of it was stress induced, because I am feeling better, but at the same time, it has not gone away. And I can not lift heavy things like I once could. But oh well. I will just have to work on that.
Emotionally I have grown stronger. I have experienced so much, from loss, to abandonment, to anger, to confusion, unloved and unacceptable, to rejection, and also at the other end of the spectrum from feeling loved, really happy, excited, and hopeful. It’s weird, because when I feel the happy side of things, that is when I feel like I am going to be ok, and that makes me happier. And then there are some times that I feel like I am just horrid and depressing and that I don’t deserve to be around all of these great people and I don’t deserve anything good. I know that a lot of that is unjustified because I haven’t actually done anything bad. Aside from picking on people, and they know that I am kidding. Maybe I am depressed or something. Maybe all of this is getting to me. It is kind of overwhelming.
Today after work, Brandon, Katie James and I went to eat at Old Pueblo Grill and then we saw Star Wars Episode Three. I am so glad that I have finally seen it. I really enjoyed seeing it. I didn’t know that Anakin joined the dark side to save Padme from death. I thought that the great power that he could possess was that lured him in. That just shows that the power of love can do to people.
Man, I wish that someone could feel that way for me. I wouldn’t mind feeling like that for someone else.
But the weird thing is that with Brandon, I come close. I would do absolutely anything for him, absolutely anything. I could never intentionally do anything to hurt him. Ever. And I am pretty sure that he feels the same way about me. The odd thing is that we are never going to be more than good friends. And I am ok with that, don’t get me wrong. I like being really good friends, I just thought that I wouldn’t let myself feel this way for any guy unless I was going out with him and if he loved me that way. Brandon isn’t interested in that, and so I can’t feel that way for him. I can’t, that is just setting myself up to be hurt again, and nobody wants that. I mean, whenever he starts dating that would tear me apart if I still felt like I did before. So, I made it all go away. And it was hard. But I thought that I had done it. I mean, I have. Except for at random times I have dreams that suggest otherwise. I mean I put some on livejournal once. And then a couple of nights ago, when I slept over at his house I fell asleep while trying to watch finding Nemo (a second time). I dreamt that Brandon was talking about how sometimes he is as bad as every three seconds(think about it…you’ll figure it out) and he went on to say that he wished that he could fall asleep on someone right now. And I said that I wished I could do that for him, but I am too lumpy. And he said that he could deal with the lumps. And I don’t remember what happened next. Either I woke up and started watching the movie, or I started watching the movie in my dream (I have seen the movie enough times, and it was playing so that could be it) but that was all. I mean, that suggests that he would want to fall asleep on me, and that is impossible in real life. And I do not want to be having dreams like that. I want them to stop. I can move on if my subconscious were to leave me alone. Why won’t it leave me alone?
Speaking of relationships and stuff, Jonathan has finally admitted that he is in love with Emily and that he is ready to do something about it. He said as soon as she gets back, he will ask her out. How cool is that? I mean it may be kind of awkward, especially since she is getting back from being in Europe for a year, or ten months or whatever, and I am sure that she has changed. But at the same time, when I talk to her, one of the first people that she asks about is Jonathan. This will be weird for her, because I know that she loved Jon at one time too. But Jon never did anything before, because he was afraid. So she forced those feelings to go away. Which is hard (and I know) and it is odd to think about undoing those feelings. I am not sure that I would want to do it, you know?
Anyways, it looks like this post is waaaay too long, so I am going to stop now.