Does your husband not STINK? OMG he's gaaaayyyyy!!
The wise writers over at ChristWire.com have a warning for you women with husbands: Look out! He might be gay!! They give you 15 clues that point to the possibility of his loafers not only being light, but being Louboutins as well.
4) Overly fastidious about his appearance and the home
Natural men have a certain amount of grit about them. They sweat and they smell. (Fuck yeah. Straight men SMELL, god damn it. That's the way the Lord wants a man to be. Plug your nose and kiss him, ladies.) Homosexuals often abhor this sort of thing and will also be incredibly particular about the cleanliness of the home. (I read this last line to Alonso and he laughed until there were tears in his eyes. I know, I know. I need to do the dishes... at some point.) Does your man tweeze his eyebrows, trim his pubic hairs or use face moisturizers? (One look at my dewy skin and my beard wife filed for divorce. Damn you, Peu de Cle, and your amazing "Refreshing Protective Emulsion"!) Is he picky about brand name shampoos? Does he spend more time getting ready for a night out than you do?
5) Gym membership but no interest in sports
Gay men use the gym as a place to socialize and to have secret liaisons in the bathrooms. They like to work out their bodies without the competition of sports play (emphasis mine. Tell that to the 11 hooligans that Alonso plays futbol with most Sundays. They're animals, I tell you. Gay animals, it's true, but animals nonetheless.) Afterward, they use the showers and steam rooms to engage in sexual activity beyond the prying eyes of women. If your man returns from the gym too exhausted to talk or have sex, that is a worrisome sign. (Or... maybe he's exhausted from his workout?)
6) Clothes that are too tight and too “trendy”
Gay men don’t need words to communicate their availability for sex “hook ups.” They silently broadcast the news by showing off their lean, hard bodies in designer clothing labels (Yes we ALL have lean, hard bodies and every one of us can afford designer label clothing. And I'm Stephanie Meyer and became a billionaire writing lame books about a boring Mary Sue and her sparkly vampire.) If your husband owns skinny jeans and looks at his buttocks in the mirror or if he wears an inordinate number of small-sized t-shirts, it is probably worthwhile to pay more attention to his private activities. (Skinny jeans? Oh, all those poor wives in Brooklyn! They're going to see their spouses in skinny jeans and only think they're gay when really they're... hipsters!! :O )
7) Strange sexual demands
Fetishism is a sign that a man is seeking a harder thrill beyond the normal intimacy of heterosexual relations. (Wow. This is going to come as a real shock to the huge straight BDSM community. Awkward...) The woman may not appeal to the deep desires that are coming to the surface as the marriage drags on. (Is this the way straights really think of marriage?) If there is a sudden interest in sodomy, sadomasochism, lubricants, role-play, sex toys or other non-traditional intercourse methods, this is clearly an indication of deep emotional abnormalities. (Yes, if your husband wants you two to play around with lube or vibrators, he needs therapy NOW. And he's obviously queer.)
11) Sassy, sarcastic and ironic around his friends
A man who is secretly engaged in homosexual activity with others may exhibit feminine qualities when they get together in a group. In a sense, he has “let his hair down” and this will be seen in excessive back talk and speaking with one’s hands. (I didn't even realize that most black dudes and Italian men from New Jersey were gay...)
The article has a number of links to other sites with clues that might be more helpful, such as, "your husband likes to watch gay porn," and "your husband tells you he's bisexual."
You know, fearful straight Christians, there's an easy way to get rid of this guessing game for wives: it's called "gay marriage."
4) Overly fastidious about his appearance and the home
Natural men have a certain amount of grit about them. They sweat and they smell. (Fuck yeah. Straight men SMELL, god damn it. That's the way the Lord wants a man to be. Plug your nose and kiss him, ladies.) Homosexuals often abhor this sort of thing and will also be incredibly particular about the cleanliness of the home. (I read this last line to Alonso and he laughed until there were tears in his eyes. I know, I know. I need to do the dishes... at some point.) Does your man tweeze his eyebrows, trim his pubic hairs or use face moisturizers? (One look at my dewy skin and my beard wife filed for divorce. Damn you, Peu de Cle, and your amazing "Refreshing Protective Emulsion"!) Is he picky about brand name shampoos? Does he spend more time getting ready for a night out than you do?
5) Gym membership but no interest in sports
Gay men use the gym as a place to socialize and to have secret liaisons in the bathrooms. They like to work out their bodies without the competition of sports play (emphasis mine. Tell that to the 11 hooligans that Alonso plays futbol with most Sundays. They're animals, I tell you. Gay animals, it's true, but animals nonetheless.) Afterward, they use the showers and steam rooms to engage in sexual activity beyond the prying eyes of women. If your man returns from the gym too exhausted to talk or have sex, that is a worrisome sign. (Or... maybe he's exhausted from his workout?)
6) Clothes that are too tight and too “trendy”
Gay men don’t need words to communicate their availability for sex “hook ups.” They silently broadcast the news by showing off their lean, hard bodies in designer clothing labels (Yes we ALL have lean, hard bodies and every one of us can afford designer label clothing. And I'm Stephanie Meyer and became a billionaire writing lame books about a boring Mary Sue and her sparkly vampire.) If your husband owns skinny jeans and looks at his buttocks in the mirror or if he wears an inordinate number of small-sized t-shirts, it is probably worthwhile to pay more attention to his private activities. (Skinny jeans? Oh, all those poor wives in Brooklyn! They're going to see their spouses in skinny jeans and only think they're gay when really they're... hipsters!! :O )
7) Strange sexual demands
Fetishism is a sign that a man is seeking a harder thrill beyond the normal intimacy of heterosexual relations. (Wow. This is going to come as a real shock to the huge straight BDSM community. Awkward...) The woman may not appeal to the deep desires that are coming to the surface as the marriage drags on. (Is this the way straights really think of marriage?) If there is a sudden interest in sodomy, sadomasochism, lubricants, role-play, sex toys or other non-traditional intercourse methods, this is clearly an indication of deep emotional abnormalities. (Yes, if your husband wants you two to play around with lube or vibrators, he needs therapy NOW. And he's obviously queer.)
11) Sassy, sarcastic and ironic around his friends
A man who is secretly engaged in homosexual activity with others may exhibit feminine qualities when they get together in a group. In a sense, he has “let his hair down” and this will be seen in excessive back talk and speaking with one’s hands. (I didn't even realize that most black dudes and Italian men from New Jersey were gay...)
The article has a number of links to other sites with clues that might be more helpful, such as, "your husband likes to watch gay porn," and "your husband tells you he's bisexual."
You know, fearful straight Christians, there's an easy way to get rid of this guessing game for wives: it's called "gay marriage."