I felt a shift inside my life....
I'm in a chatty mood tonight....and a pretty good mood.
I was talking to a very good friend of mine tonight on the phone about relationships and how they can change as the years progress. Even if you don't realize it, at different points in your life you may expect and/or tolerate different things from people. And then, one day, years later, you realize that while you have changed your expectations and needs, the other person has not. That equals some problems.
The thing with Scotty was that I grew to feel like he needed to consume me. He was jealous and insecure, and while that jealousy could be very flattering in that it made me feel loved and wanted, it inevitably caused problems. Well, I should say that the jealousy itself didn't cause the problems, but the way he reacted to it, the way he used it- that is what caused the problems in my mind. I felt like I was trapped in this role, but that I had become a totally different character. Oh sure, reciting the same lines over and over again could be fun at times, but after awhile I wanted something more for myself, and I wanted off the stage.
I think that I tolerated a lot from him because I could always eventually focus on his good qualities. I loved him and we had fun, he knew me well and there was a level of comfort there. There were times I felt like we could conquer the world together. But time turned faster and I turned much slower....haha :) I started to want more- I didn't want the stress, the snide comments, and conditional happiness. I saw less and less of his good qualities and more of the ones that upset me. I can't say if he changed, or if my perception of him changed. Maybe it was a little of both. But it all started to come to a head when Michael was around. Then it was Casey....and it was downhill from there. Michael's death really altered the way I thought and acted, and also my desires. Casey, Mario, Doug, Chip, Tim, Terry...etc etc...they all fit in with that. Scotty no longer did. And I tried...I really tried. I even second-guessed myself at times. But Saturday morning, I knew that there was no question to be had about what was needed.
I don't think it's possible for me to miss him. I feel sad for him, yes, but his actions were inexcusable and I'm so disgusted. My anger is still there, obviously, but that's pretty much all that remains. I actually feel better...like a weight has been lifted. I feel...free. I know that Michael's there, helping me along, comforting me, assuring me that this is for the best. And I believe that and embrace it. I can truely be myself now.
So yeah...regardless of whether this thing with Jason works out...I don't feel lonely anymore. Oh sure, I have my episodes, but all in all...I feel very loved, appreciated, and respected. These wonderful people keep popping into my life. Some I am closer to than others, but I enjoy all of them. I am indebted, in a way, and I'm not going anywhere. At some point relatively early on, I knew this was coming, and I am so thankful that it's here.
Alright..enough sap from me. Night night :)
I was talking to a very good friend of mine tonight on the phone about relationships and how they can change as the years progress. Even if you don't realize it, at different points in your life you may expect and/or tolerate different things from people. And then, one day, years later, you realize that while you have changed your expectations and needs, the other person has not. That equals some problems.
The thing with Scotty was that I grew to feel like he needed to consume me. He was jealous and insecure, and while that jealousy could be very flattering in that it made me feel loved and wanted, it inevitably caused problems. Well, I should say that the jealousy itself didn't cause the problems, but the way he reacted to it, the way he used it- that is what caused the problems in my mind. I felt like I was trapped in this role, but that I had become a totally different character. Oh sure, reciting the same lines over and over again could be fun at times, but after awhile I wanted something more for myself, and I wanted off the stage.
I think that I tolerated a lot from him because I could always eventually focus on his good qualities. I loved him and we had fun, he knew me well and there was a level of comfort there. There were times I felt like we could conquer the world together. But time turned faster and I turned much slower....haha :) I started to want more- I didn't want the stress, the snide comments, and conditional happiness. I saw less and less of his good qualities and more of the ones that upset me. I can't say if he changed, or if my perception of him changed. Maybe it was a little of both. But it all started to come to a head when Michael was around. Then it was Casey....and it was downhill from there. Michael's death really altered the way I thought and acted, and also my desires. Casey, Mario, Doug, Chip, Tim, Terry...etc etc...they all fit in with that. Scotty no longer did. And I tried...I really tried. I even second-guessed myself at times. But Saturday morning, I knew that there was no question to be had about what was needed.
I don't think it's possible for me to miss him. I feel sad for him, yes, but his actions were inexcusable and I'm so disgusted. My anger is still there, obviously, but that's pretty much all that remains. I actually feel better...like a weight has been lifted. I feel...free. I know that Michael's there, helping me along, comforting me, assuring me that this is for the best. And I believe that and embrace it. I can truely be myself now.
So yeah...regardless of whether this thing with Jason works out...I don't feel lonely anymore. Oh sure, I have my episodes, but all in all...I feel very loved, appreciated, and respected. These wonderful people keep popping into my life. Some I am closer to than others, but I enjoy all of them. I am indebted, in a way, and I'm not going anywhere. At some point relatively early on, I knew this was coming, and I am so thankful that it's here.
Alright..enough sap from me. Night night :)