Alex called from prague yesterday
well...he called at a bad time because i was thinking about our relationship and whether it was going anywhere or just going to continue to be the same old thing with the same old set of issues revolving around it
I told him i was still very upset with our last conversation and his reaction to me asking him about his drinking details at the motley crue show
He still doesn't seem to grasp the concept that he has hurt me so much with his verbal abuse during his drunken episodes (especially this last one 2 saturdays ago) that i have past the point of trust when it comes to him and alcohol. I do not trust him with alcohol -- i don't trust him to have limits nor do i trust him when he has past his limit and becomes a drunken mess...at which point he could endanger himself and the lives other with driving drunk, he doesnt have control any longer and COULD make poor choices like making out with someone or more and when he's with me he can not control his drunken anger and i am his disignated target of verbal and emotional abuse.
It's not that I don't trust him. I totally trust him when he is sober, no doubt there. But with the lure of alcohol and the onset of alcohol poisoning his mind leading to poor choses and bad behavoir makes it difficult to trust him..i mean he gets to a point where he doesn't know what's going on ...he can't even trust himself to behave well ..so how can I? He wakes up with regret of the happenings of the prior evening...how that is not a wake up call is beyond my understanding. I can only figure that he doesn't remember much and his version of the night is blurry...so the signifigance of pain that he caused me doesn't fully register when I replay the night for him in my descriptive words, plus he thinks i exaggerate things...so I don't know how serious he takes my words.
exaggerations are lies, I do not lie. I do not understand why he thinks i would lie about things like this. If his drinking didn't affect me tremendiously then why would it bother me so much?
Not that I feel like I need to defend this issue...being verbally/emotionally abused by being called a bitch anb a fat cunt, and being told to shut up and the fuck out of here hardly need any defense. These are clear cut, hurtful, cruel, disrepectful, shocking words and behavior ...there is no mistaking that.
Nor is being drunk an excuse for this behavior. Everyone is responsible for there own actions...no one put all the beer down his throat, he did it on his own accord. He is a selfish drinker, drinks to no end ...except maybe when the beer is all gone and then he lets the person he's with deal with his drunken mess, usually me and that's so unfair.
Anyway, he told me that he was "dissapointed" in me for asking about how much he drank at motley crue because he said he made an effort to drink verly little at the show because he realizes how much he hurt me and wanted to work to change his drinking habits etc.
I told him that it is so hard for me to trust him with drinking now that i have been burned by him so many times and this last time was especially hurtful. So, it is REALLy hard for me to trust him when he says that nothing like this is going to happen again and he is really going to change my drinking habits this time and he feel so bad and that he knows how much he hurt me and promises not to do it again.
I ask how am I suppose to believe this now? I've heard these kinds of promises many times ...what makes this time different???
He says he's really making an effort this time...does that mean he wasn't making an effort all the other times he hurt me emotionally when drunk?
He says I need to believe in him... have faith in him...trust him
I have in the past! ... and i have stayed in this relationship after the iccident on my birthday hoping something like this would never happen again but it did on new years and when he went to that dj at the roxy and feel on his face
and most recently that hurtful night 2 saturdays ago
How do I know this time will be different? How do I trust that another drunken episode will not occur?
I told him that it would take time before i could trust him in relation to alcohol
I told him we can either just end things here
or
he would have to deal with me asking him questions about his drinking
A. What are you planning on drinking tonight?
B. How much did you drink tonight?
C. Where you safe to drive?
D. Shouldn't that be your last beer?
etc.
I told him that if he can deal with that fairly and answer my questions honestly without being defensive or feeling like I'm accusing him ...then I could work on my trust for him and drinking ...and then over time my trust may come back with his consistant, careful drinking habits and with this trust regained i will no longer feel the need the reassurance I get from asking him about his drinking and getting positive replies.
I told if he can't deal with this then when need to break.
And of course there is alway the sober route-- quit drinking altogether
He said he's going to have to deal with the questioning....but he also I better not keep asking him about his drinking when i no longer need to...I don't get that statement. I told him i would stop asking when I felt comfortable not asking.
For some reason he thinks this has something to do with control or power maybe?
I guess in some ways it can if you consider the " 3-4 beer limit" an element of control?
But this is self-control on his part...for him to control his drinking. Of course it is influenced by me to find a solution to the problem we are repeated enduring
Maybe I am just speculating about the whole "control thing" but if he does thing that I'm am just trying to control him through his drinking habits than he is way off the point ...this is suppose to be a remedy
If he can't see that maybe a break up is plausible?
rant over.