Be forwarned: Some viewers may rate this post E, for Emo. ^_^

[violetpirate]

These past few days haven't been bad at all, in fact, I've rather enjoyed them I think. The only problem is, I've returned to that robotic feeling I've had before. Quite possibly, that could be the return to school and routine, but aside from that, I think I've been trying to do way too many things at once. Sound crew, Drama, Tech, Humanities, Fencing...it's all a whirl. I think I can handle it, but i've kinda felt like a drawing for the past few days-almost static. Choir has been a challenge so far, which is good, but I'd really rather not be a liability to such a wonderful sound-they were amazing last year. Mr. Borrelli teaches in an astounding way; we get so far in every rehearsal (but that might be just because it's twice as long, we'll see.) Chemistry is a terribly boring class, and Gym is purely a waste of time. I'm feeling somewhat pressured, especially having fencing in addition. I really want to do well this year, seeing as I seem to be the best fencer who can't win any DEs. I felt pretty good about Tuesday, though...it felt like i was fencing pretty smart. So, judging by all that, it seems that everything in its own right is fine, it's just the culmination I find suffocating. I think that regardless of what anyone says, however, the most difficult and tricky of operations is not to do with any class we take in school, but more to do with relationships. I feel like I never know fully how to conduct myself correctly, and as a result, I have no confidence in social endeavors that are unfamiliar. I think one part of that is my seemingly unsurmountable confusion and inevitable fascination with emotion. It simply boggles my mind in the respect that humans, like anything else, are, most simply put, still biological organisms that (appear) to have greater facilities than other types of organisms. The complexity of the species lends us the ability to interact in ways others can't, but that ability is somewhat of a double edged sword. Sure, there are parts of relationships that I definitely enjoy, but others come with varying degrees of difficulty and a resulting resentment. The other reason, I think, that such interaction seems to elude me, is the matter of perspective, another interaction derived complexity. To think that aside from my unique point of view, there are more than six billion other individual points of view, each of an entire separate cognitive entity, that I cannot even begin to be aware of, let alone analize and control, is a humbling, scary, and intriguing thought all at the same time. On the whole, the enormity of it all, coupled with any number of other immediate, less pertinent problems, is probably what makes me never want to get up in the morning. As so many others have asked before me, and so many more will probably ask, "What's the point?" "Where's the punch line?" "Does it all matter?" And I like o think there are answers to these questions, real answers, whether they are religion, which seems to me a delusion or distraction, or science, which could be just as much of a delusion-a semblance of order, albeit a more logical one. Either way, I hope it'll come soon. But until then, I think it's just...

Get out of bed. Get dressed. Go to school, fence, and sleep again.

One more day can't hurt, right?

Comment thoughtfully (or randomly) and make me happy. ^_^

~Peace