(no subject)
I feel oddly dissatisfied, and yet I feel fulfilled and awakened, and not at all in a better place than I was before.
See, before I 'settled' and potentially made the biggest mistake of my personal life effective the closing of my house on March 31 (the beginning of probably the end of my life) I took a 7.5 day trip out to this little known place called Torrington, Wyoming. It's an old community, mostly retirees surrounded by a booming farm industry and known for being quite conservative (ne: religious). It's growing into something more slowly but for now it's quiet, small, and while a little boring...still nice. I wish I had pictures. Alas, I left the battery for my camera at home. Poo. Because I probably will never be coming back.
The REAL reason I came here will never really be know to anyone but myself and a very good friend I came here specifically to see. We'll call it business. This person is someone that I connected with on more levels than I could begin to imagine. Someone who will probably die in this town, by choice. Someone who opened my eyes to the lies I've been living for the last few years (re: my 3 year rule). Someone who understood me and the lifestyle that I gave up. I want this person to forget about me, as much as I should forget about him. Even now I realize as much as that's what I want...to have it happen that way would probably destroy me.
This place is strange to me coming from much bigger cities but I loved it. I came in the middle of March so it was cold, and I saw snow which was the best thing ever. It was wierd at first being in such a small place, with no big electronics store or mall, with broadband internet half as fast as I was used to, crossroads making sense and having to drive an hour to get to the only 'department' store around - a freaking Walmart. I saw corn, and corn, and cows, and snow and more corn and horses and miles and miles of rolling hills and old houses and crappy patched mountain roads.
And I fucking loved it.
But there is still the reality that as much as I would love to live here or even near here...love to be closer to this person...I can't. I can't go back to my redneck roots, or anything remotely like the old Loxhatachee Groves Florida. That place eventually built up into something close to a metropolis, too. See, I'm in a lot of debt. With or without this house. And I need this well-paying job to take care of all of that debt and I can't get a job that pays well enough with my 'proven' skill sets to take care of that out this way. So...I'm stuck. Again.
I realized I loved this place, and I loved this person, and I love the idea of living a life that was not the one I was currently living. And I knew that I would. But it's not attainable for me. And the depressing part is...it might never be. You can take the girl out of the city, but you can't take the city out of the girl as they say. I also only realize my own mortality when it's too late. Of of the many chapters in the story of my life.
And so on Monday morning I drive out of this place. Driving back into the smelly bowels of Denver Colorado and then hop on the plane back to Jacksonville. There, I will probably live in a greater amount of longing for the rest of my life. So for the cryptic beginning, yes...I needed this trip and I loved this trip. I am not sure that the regret, and knowing what I am missing, is going to be worth it though.
See, before I 'settled' and potentially made the biggest mistake of my personal life effective the closing of my house on March 31 (the beginning of probably the end of my life) I took a 7.5 day trip out to this little known place called Torrington, Wyoming. It's an old community, mostly retirees surrounded by a booming farm industry and known for being quite conservative (ne: religious). It's growing into something more slowly but for now it's quiet, small, and while a little boring...still nice. I wish I had pictures. Alas, I left the battery for my camera at home. Poo. Because I probably will never be coming back.
The REAL reason I came here will never really be know to anyone but myself and a very good friend I came here specifically to see. We'll call it business. This person is someone that I connected with on more levels than I could begin to imagine. Someone who will probably die in this town, by choice. Someone who opened my eyes to the lies I've been living for the last few years (re: my 3 year rule). Someone who understood me and the lifestyle that I gave up. I want this person to forget about me, as much as I should forget about him. Even now I realize as much as that's what I want...to have it happen that way would probably destroy me.
This place is strange to me coming from much bigger cities but I loved it. I came in the middle of March so it was cold, and I saw snow which was the best thing ever. It was wierd at first being in such a small place, with no big electronics store or mall, with broadband internet half as fast as I was used to, crossroads making sense and having to drive an hour to get to the only 'department' store around - a freaking Walmart. I saw corn, and corn, and cows, and snow and more corn and horses and miles and miles of rolling hills and old houses and crappy patched mountain roads.
And I fucking loved it.
But there is still the reality that as much as I would love to live here or even near here...love to be closer to this person...I can't. I can't go back to my redneck roots, or anything remotely like the old Loxhatachee Groves Florida. That place eventually built up into something close to a metropolis, too. See, I'm in a lot of debt. With or without this house. And I need this well-paying job to take care of all of that debt and I can't get a job that pays well enough with my 'proven' skill sets to take care of that out this way. So...I'm stuck. Again.
I realized I loved this place, and I loved this person, and I love the idea of living a life that was not the one I was currently living. And I knew that I would. But it's not attainable for me. And the depressing part is...it might never be. You can take the girl out of the city, but you can't take the city out of the girl as they say. I also only realize my own mortality when it's too late. Of of the many chapters in the story of my life.
And so on Monday morning I drive out of this place. Driving back into the smelly bowels of Denver Colorado and then hop on the plane back to Jacksonville. There, I will probably live in a greater amount of longing for the rest of my life. So for the cryptic beginning, yes...I needed this trip and I loved this trip. I am not sure that the regret, and knowing what I am missing, is going to be worth it though.