Life just gets better and better.
"...You break my heart into a thousand pieces
and you say it's because I deserve better?..."
I haven't heard that song in so long.
Well, I thought things were looking up for me when Chris and I got back together. Guess not since we just broke up twenty minutes ago.
Did I mention how much I love crying over the past few months?
At least now I know I'm the problem. I kind of lost all respect for myself and my body after Dustin. I lost alot of weight doing pretty hard drugs though, so that makes me an even better person. I wish I could say that I've cleaned up, but every time I think I'm going to be ok without coke, something happens and I'll need it so bad. I hate how much I need it just to get by...I haven't done any in about a week now, which is REALLY good for me because I was doing it at least three times a day after me and Dustin broke up. I just couldn't even look at myself anymore. I don't know who I've become.
I want to be better, but I just feel like it doesn't even matter to anyone. I don't think Dustin would care if something happened to me. I don't think anyone really would. And I hate that.
Back to being miserable.
: well i dont really see anything happeneing.. once again im not really feeling a connection.. i dont know what it is.. its been off and on so much i have no idea what to think
: i dont know what it is = i cant put my finger on it.. but i dont feel like any feelings or anything like i think there should be after knowing you for so long
: because i do love you but it just doesnt feel like it should be and maybe its just a friendly way.. i dont know i never have time to do shit.. im not always around or in the mood to be on the phone or on the computer
: well when im in a more emotionally stable mood perhaps we can talk yes
: nothing is going on. im just not in a mood to deal with anything as i never really am and i just dont feel like dealing with stuff at certain times
: i would rather just be friends and not have to be held up to meet you somewhere or be somewhere on a certain day at a certain time because like i guess you mentioned im not ready to commit
: be friends i guess.. i cant keep going by standards.. thats not me as this point
: of having to call / report in / have to be somewhere at a certain time or in the region of a certain time and have to let you know where im at and going when / where
: dont take it personal im not in a great mood in general though.
: but i really dont have much more to say.. rather just be friends
: rather not keep you tied down to me
: when im not a 'committed' person at this time
: and yeah. im sure youll find someone cooler than me out there
I always knew he was afraid of commitment.
and you say it's because I deserve better?..."
I haven't heard that song in so long.
Well, I thought things were looking up for me when Chris and I got back together. Guess not since we just broke up twenty minutes ago.
Did I mention how much I love crying over the past few months?
At least now I know I'm the problem. I kind of lost all respect for myself and my body after Dustin. I lost alot of weight doing pretty hard drugs though, so that makes me an even better person. I wish I could say that I've cleaned up, but every time I think I'm going to be ok without coke, something happens and I'll need it so bad. I hate how much I need it just to get by...I haven't done any in about a week now, which is REALLY good for me because I was doing it at least three times a day after me and Dustin broke up. I just couldn't even look at myself anymore. I don't know who I've become.
I want to be better, but I just feel like it doesn't even matter to anyone. I don't think Dustin would care if something happened to me. I don't think anyone really would. And I hate that.
Back to being miserable.
: well i dont really see anything happeneing.. once again im not really feeling a connection.. i dont know what it is.. its been off and on so much i have no idea what to think
: i dont know what it is = i cant put my finger on it.. but i dont feel like any feelings or anything like i think there should be after knowing you for so long
: because i do love you but it just doesnt feel like it should be and maybe its just a friendly way.. i dont know i never have time to do shit.. im not always around or in the mood to be on the phone or on the computer
: well when im in a more emotionally stable mood perhaps we can talk yes
: nothing is going on. im just not in a mood to deal with anything as i never really am and i just dont feel like dealing with stuff at certain times
: i would rather just be friends and not have to be held up to meet you somewhere or be somewhere on a certain day at a certain time because like i guess you mentioned im not ready to commit
: be friends i guess.. i cant keep going by standards.. thats not me as this point
: of having to call / report in / have to be somewhere at a certain time or in the region of a certain time and have to let you know where im at and going when / where
: dont take it personal im not in a great mood in general though.
: but i really dont have much more to say.. rather just be friends
: rather not keep you tied down to me
: when im not a 'committed' person at this time
: and yeah. im sure youll find someone cooler than me out there
I always knew he was afraid of commitment.