A new Year, again...
Yes i am late. It is the 16. January already. So what? Ah, i am in an high phase, so i will tell you my plans and a tiny little bit of my story.
It´s just another new year for me and this will bring much of sadness and pain. But I will go my way until the end, no matter how poor i am going to be or what i have to do to bring enough money home for my son and me.
I am not afraid, i am scared. Beeing all alone with him will not be easy, but there is no other choice.
And if that would not be enough, i will re-arrange my whole Life.
Beeing someone i am not for too long... Its enough.
So, i will left my husband and take my son with me. Better for my little Star and me, because his Father is.. Let´s be polite: He is a total looser.
And i will break with my family. In fact: With my mom. She never accepted me as who i am and she never will. Never ever, she just don´t love me like a mother should. She left me alone right from the start, in a way that makes it impossible to grew up in a good way, to be a healthy person. She did so much wrong, never really cared for me. For every new man in her life she was willing to give me away... I wish she would have done it. Beeing in an orphanage would have been more good!
She just stood there and watch while her new Friend beat me just because I had left a teddybear in the livingroom. And as i sat in my room, crying and totally afraid, she just said: Be a better child Or... Just be a good girl. And then she went out with him, leaving me, i turned just 8, alone for the rest of the day and half of the night. I was so horrified, i thought she would never come back. The next day in school i told my teacher that i had an accident with my bike, because she asked why i had those bruises.
Question: Would you let your kid travel alone by train through half of the country? When your child is just 8 years old?
Please, if your answer is yes, don´t tell it to me, okay?
My life was... not easy. In fact I was alone all of my live, been send to my grandparents every holidays. Alone. On christmas she came with her lover and leave again after 3 days, leaving me there until the holidays where over.
I so wished i could have stayed with them, my grandfather was a wonderful man. But i had to return to her.
My birthday is in July, in the summerholidays. So i was always by my grandparents and yes, she didn´t came to visit. Just sometimes and sometimes my granny has to call her as a "memo": You´re daughter turns 11 today, don´t forget to call her!
She always says that she knew me, all of me. But... She doesn´t. She don´t know my dreams, my wishes, she don´t know that i was touched, more than touched by a man. I was 10 and... Let´s forget this.
She doesn´t know that I had my first sex with 14, much too young and with a man she also doesn´t know, he was my friend, my best friend and died some years later. *tries not to cry*
My mother, the person who should love me, protect me and raise me with love and care... She ruined my life from the start and by a time when i really didn´t fit in her life she put me into a psychiatry. I was just 16 and hey, I learned a LOT there! I learned how good it is to cut myself, how great it feels to be on LSD. And i learned that i will be alone all of my life, that nobody will ever be able to be really near me. Because it´s better for myself.
It was hard to say no to the drugs, but i did. Hm, maybe it was so "easy" because i just took the LSD for 4 weeks? I don´t know, but I know that my friend i made there died because of LSD. He just jumps from a roof, because he believed he can fly.
Yes, she also don´t know that i had cut myself. She never noticed, even when i wear T-Shirts and yes, i have scars! My whole left arm is full of them, beautiful white lines...
I don´t cut no more. But it´s hard. REALLY HARD! So please, all of you out there: Don´t do it!
I lost my Grandfather more than 6 years ago, so there is just my Granny left as family. And when she knows that i leave my husband and breake with my mother, she will turn her back on me. She is so old-fashioned...
So i will loose everything. My home, my family, this little secure that his money gave me.
But i will be strong, for my son. For him, for his beautiful smile. If I don´t go, I will break. I know it, everyday is a struggle not to jump out of the window. It is just my son holding me here, because he needs me. I am his mother and i am a good mother. I give him all my love and care for him, he is such a little sunshine! And he is a happy kid, so i am doing my job well.
I know that i will leave him alone too soon, but I will be there for a couple of years until he grews up. He is 6 now, so i have to stay here at least 12 years longer.
My best friend, my sister in soul, she is the one who knows a lot of me. If you ever get here to read this, here is my promise: I will be there for you, every night and day. Beneath my son you are the most precious person on this damned planet! And you are right: Wo both won´t turn old here. It´s hard beeing here and you 200 km far from me, but we still got each other. Keep the faith up!
Yes. I am a maniac. Beeing bipolar is hard. Manic-depressive it´s what one of my disease is called.
So, we never get old, but it´s okay. I wait for the time when i can fall asleep forever.
Oyasumi, all of you...
It´s just another new year for me and this will bring much of sadness and pain. But I will go my way until the end, no matter how poor i am going to be or what i have to do to bring enough money home for my son and me.
I am not afraid, i am scared. Beeing all alone with him will not be easy, but there is no other choice.
And if that would not be enough, i will re-arrange my whole Life.
Beeing someone i am not for too long... Its enough.
So, i will left my husband and take my son with me. Better for my little Star and me, because his Father is.. Let´s be polite: He is a total looser.
And i will break with my family. In fact: With my mom. She never accepted me as who i am and she never will. Never ever, she just don´t love me like a mother should. She left me alone right from the start, in a way that makes it impossible to grew up in a good way, to be a healthy person. She did so much wrong, never really cared for me. For every new man in her life she was willing to give me away... I wish she would have done it. Beeing in an orphanage would have been more good!
She just stood there and watch while her new Friend beat me just because I had left a teddybear in the livingroom. And as i sat in my room, crying and totally afraid, she just said: Be a better child Or... Just be a good girl. And then she went out with him, leaving me, i turned just 8, alone for the rest of the day and half of the night. I was so horrified, i thought she would never come back. The next day in school i told my teacher that i had an accident with my bike, because she asked why i had those bruises.
Question: Would you let your kid travel alone by train through half of the country? When your child is just 8 years old?
Please, if your answer is yes, don´t tell it to me, okay?
My life was... not easy. In fact I was alone all of my live, been send to my grandparents every holidays. Alone. On christmas she came with her lover and leave again after 3 days, leaving me there until the holidays where over.
I so wished i could have stayed with them, my grandfather was a wonderful man. But i had to return to her.
My birthday is in July, in the summerholidays. So i was always by my grandparents and yes, she didn´t came to visit. Just sometimes and sometimes my granny has to call her as a "memo": You´re daughter turns 11 today, don´t forget to call her!
She always says that she knew me, all of me. But... She doesn´t. She don´t know my dreams, my wishes, she don´t know that i was touched, more than touched by a man. I was 10 and... Let´s forget this.
She doesn´t know that I had my first sex with 14, much too young and with a man she also doesn´t know, he was my friend, my best friend and died some years later. *tries not to cry*
My mother, the person who should love me, protect me and raise me with love and care... She ruined my life from the start and by a time when i really didn´t fit in her life she put me into a psychiatry. I was just 16 and hey, I learned a LOT there! I learned how good it is to cut myself, how great it feels to be on LSD. And i learned that i will be alone all of my life, that nobody will ever be able to be really near me. Because it´s better for myself.
It was hard to say no to the drugs, but i did. Hm, maybe it was so "easy" because i just took the LSD for 4 weeks? I don´t know, but I know that my friend i made there died because of LSD. He just jumps from a roof, because he believed he can fly.
Yes, she also don´t know that i had cut myself. She never noticed, even when i wear T-Shirts and yes, i have scars! My whole left arm is full of them, beautiful white lines...
I don´t cut no more. But it´s hard. REALLY HARD! So please, all of you out there: Don´t do it!
I lost my Grandfather more than 6 years ago, so there is just my Granny left as family. And when she knows that i leave my husband and breake with my mother, she will turn her back on me. She is so old-fashioned...
So i will loose everything. My home, my family, this little secure that his money gave me.
But i will be strong, for my son. For him, for his beautiful smile. If I don´t go, I will break. I know it, everyday is a struggle not to jump out of the window. It is just my son holding me here, because he needs me. I am his mother and i am a good mother. I give him all my love and care for him, he is such a little sunshine! And he is a happy kid, so i am doing my job well.
I know that i will leave him alone too soon, but I will be there for a couple of years until he grews up. He is 6 now, so i have to stay here at least 12 years longer.
My best friend, my sister in soul, she is the one who knows a lot of me. If you ever get here to read this, here is my promise: I will be there for you, every night and day. Beneath my son you are the most precious person on this damned planet! And you are right: Wo both won´t turn old here. It´s hard beeing here and you 200 km far from me, but we still got each other. Keep the faith up!
Yes. I am a maniac. Beeing bipolar is hard. Manic-depressive it´s what one of my disease is called.
So, we never get old, but it´s okay. I wait for the time when i can fall asleep forever.
Oyasumi, all of you...