(no subject)
As my mind usually does for me, standing upon the precipice of large and bright opportunities, I am afforded an epiphany.
For my entire life I have dealt with ... no, had bouts with the fact that I am not passionate about anything. Anything at all. I am a very passionate person in general; I am very vibrant, I am vivacious, I am loud and extemporaneous. I am sometimes unpredictable, flamboyant and at all times describable as intense. However, when it comes to THINGS... there are none for which I have passion.
I could list interests, for sure. I am interested in alternative energy, billiards, permaculture, rock music, car enthusiasm, rock climbing and hiking... I have interest in taking up martial arts, taking up an instrument, studying many languages... I have a pension for taking things apart and putting them back together, deconstructing problems and finding solutions. That is why I have set a goal to attain a Mechanical Engineering degree. All of these things I am both interested and skilled in.
However, amongst all of it, there is nothing I can say that I have in my life that I am truly passionate about. There is nothing that excites me enough to furiously anticipate waking up every day. I enjoy days just for being days, I enjoy waking up just to be alive. This is a double edged sword, because it has put me in a position where nothing can phase me. I stroll through life with this low hum level of happiness. Losing shit doesn't bother me, money doesn't concern me too much more than it should, problems just seem like things that will be solved in time. Along that same line though, I never experience the high emotional spikes. It is rare that I get genuinely FUCKING EXCITED about ANYTHING. In fact, I can't remember the last time I was just really blown-away-extatic to do ANYTHING. Recently Jess (my gf) has, in cohort with her mother, planned a trip for us to stay at a permaculture farm in the rain forest of Costa Rica. I am enthralled and definitely excited to go. This seems promising.
But aside from recent development.. I am somewhat worried. I know now that there is only one thing that I am TRULY passionate about, and that is living. The issue comes with the fact that I am alive by default. So, now that I am so passionate about being alive, what the fuck do I do with this life?
I believe I am going to plan a year of my life once I graduate to be nothing more than an experience junkie. This is mainly because I have figured out the root of my problem.
For my entire life, I have never been exposed to discomfort. I have never had to really really deal with pain. Sure, I dealt with the same super fucked up bullcrap all 16 year olds do when I was 16... parent problems, school problems, whipping yourself cutting yourself blah blah that isn't the shit I'm talking about.
I've never been in a fight. I've been punched in the face by an ex gf, that's about it.
I've never thrown a punch either.
I've never learned to swim out of fear of drowning. Not really fear of drowning though, its more the discomfort of being submerged in water and not being able to breathe. Right, not being 'allowed' to breathe under water.
I've never enjoyed Amusement parks multitude of rides due to fears of heights and death, etc.
Even the recent trip that I am going on to Costa Rica in the middle of the rainforest... HOW COOL IS THAT? But yet, what am I concerned about? Having some kind of allergic reaction out there with no medical facilities. Sleeping outdoors with shit crawling all over me. It's weird because bugs and dirt have never bothered me in the least. But for some reason now it does?
I think that I am incapable of having passion because I have never experienced the opposite. I can never feel extreme joy because I have never experienced discomfort and learned to deal with it. I have taken absolutely no risks in my life whatsoever. I have played everything by the book. Often times I tell people that I am really blessed because everything in my life seems to go flawless at every turn. Even issues that come up, I surmount the hurdle like it's not big deal at all. I have chewed up and spit out every problem in my path. Telling myself this used to make me feel pretty damn good. Looking back, I realize I have done nothing. Absolutely nothing. Aside from a few speeding tickets, almost a racing violation (oops!) and some other car shit, no risks. None. By the book life.
Now, I am afraid to take risks because my default view of them is 'pointless.' This is not good.
It is going to be very very hard for me to force myself inexorably towards a different life. I need to push out of this, for my own good.
For my entire life I have dealt with ... no, had bouts with the fact that I am not passionate about anything. Anything at all. I am a very passionate person in general; I am very vibrant, I am vivacious, I am loud and extemporaneous. I am sometimes unpredictable, flamboyant and at all times describable as intense. However, when it comes to THINGS... there are none for which I have passion.
I could list interests, for sure. I am interested in alternative energy, billiards, permaculture, rock music, car enthusiasm, rock climbing and hiking... I have interest in taking up martial arts, taking up an instrument, studying many languages... I have a pension for taking things apart and putting them back together, deconstructing problems and finding solutions. That is why I have set a goal to attain a Mechanical Engineering degree. All of these things I am both interested and skilled in.
However, amongst all of it, there is nothing I can say that I have in my life that I am truly passionate about. There is nothing that excites me enough to furiously anticipate waking up every day. I enjoy days just for being days, I enjoy waking up just to be alive. This is a double edged sword, because it has put me in a position where nothing can phase me. I stroll through life with this low hum level of happiness. Losing shit doesn't bother me, money doesn't concern me too much more than it should, problems just seem like things that will be solved in time. Along that same line though, I never experience the high emotional spikes. It is rare that I get genuinely FUCKING EXCITED about ANYTHING. In fact, I can't remember the last time I was just really blown-away-extatic to do ANYTHING. Recently Jess (my gf) has, in cohort with her mother, planned a trip for us to stay at a permaculture farm in the rain forest of Costa Rica. I am enthralled and definitely excited to go. This seems promising.
But aside from recent development.. I am somewhat worried. I know now that there is only one thing that I am TRULY passionate about, and that is living. The issue comes with the fact that I am alive by default. So, now that I am so passionate about being alive, what the fuck do I do with this life?
I believe I am going to plan a year of my life once I graduate to be nothing more than an experience junkie. This is mainly because I have figured out the root of my problem.
For my entire life, I have never been exposed to discomfort. I have never had to really really deal with pain. Sure, I dealt with the same super fucked up bullcrap all 16 year olds do when I was 16... parent problems, school problems, whipping yourself cutting yourself blah blah that isn't the shit I'm talking about.
I've never been in a fight. I've been punched in the face by an ex gf, that's about it.
I've never thrown a punch either.
I've never learned to swim out of fear of drowning. Not really fear of drowning though, its more the discomfort of being submerged in water and not being able to breathe. Right, not being 'allowed' to breathe under water.
I've never enjoyed Amusement parks multitude of rides due to fears of heights and death, etc.
Even the recent trip that I am going on to Costa Rica in the middle of the rainforest... HOW COOL IS THAT? But yet, what am I concerned about? Having some kind of allergic reaction out there with no medical facilities. Sleeping outdoors with shit crawling all over me. It's weird because bugs and dirt have never bothered me in the least. But for some reason now it does?
I think that I am incapable of having passion because I have never experienced the opposite. I can never feel extreme joy because I have never experienced discomfort and learned to deal with it. I have taken absolutely no risks in my life whatsoever. I have played everything by the book. Often times I tell people that I am really blessed because everything in my life seems to go flawless at every turn. Even issues that come up, I surmount the hurdle like it's not big deal at all. I have chewed up and spit out every problem in my path. Telling myself this used to make me feel pretty damn good. Looking back, I realize I have done nothing. Absolutely nothing. Aside from a few speeding tickets, almost a racing violation (oops!) and some other car shit, no risks. None. By the book life.
Now, I am afraid to take risks because my default view of them is 'pointless.' This is not good.
It is going to be very very hard for me to force myself inexorably towards a different life. I need to push out of this, for my own good.