(no subject)
so i've been pondering ... why are september and february such awful months for me? always. last year i was so sick and ended up in the emergency room and getting ct scans and drinking nasty liquids from styrofoam cups. this year i am on antibiotics that make me sick to my stomach and an inhaler that makes me so anxious i can barely stay inside my skin. i have not been having very much fun at all lately.
my grandma back in indiana (that lived next door almost my whole life -- literally, my parents went out into the woods, hauled back logs, and built her a house right up the driveway from ours) is most certainly on the brink of leaving this world and i'm a mess. i just saw her a few weeks ago, but i just can't imagine her not being in the world. she was such a strong force in my childhood. my kids at work can't believe that i never had a nanny or knew anyone who did. it's like i'm speaking another language. i never even had babysitters, partly because we lived way out in the country (115 acres in the middle of a 23,000 acre state forest) and partly because my brother was nutso. like he and his friends kept 'accidentally' throwing each other through walls and somehow 'accidently' ended up being stabbed with throwing knives. from a good distance!
wow, i'm so random right now all doped up on the meds and still exhausted. i haven't been eating, but that part i don't really mind. aaaanyway.......where was i.......... oh yes, my grandma. so i'm having a bit of a hard time, and HATE valentine's day (not just because i'm single and bitter) so this month never goes well for me. i don't know if i should go home and see her again, or wait and go for the funeral...she's mostly asleep since she stopped the dialysis and insulin. but hell, she's 90. that's pretty amazing in itself, and she was a strong woman. went to college, which was pretty amazing at the time. was in the army, where she met my grandpa (who passed away when i was 6), and most hilariously, she was a basketball player (back when they had half a court and real baskets!) and PE teacher. i respect her decision now to stop the treatments and slip away peacefully. i will just miss her a lot.
weirdly, i just realized that i don't remember what my grandma's degree was in. i'm sure i knew at some point. every day i feel older and older, more forgetful, more gimped up. it's so ridiculous as i know i'm not very old, my coworkers yell at me all the time for saying i feel old, but it's been a very long and tiring 24 years. it's been a rough and crazy road and it's hard to explain to anyone. my job (working with a disabled child) has given me so much perspective. i feel it's so wrong when i complain but i guess at least this is a fairly reasonable venue, no one is forced to read it.
i am exhausted and babbling... hi friends! so sorry to those of you who i promised to send things to, most of those things sitting in bags on my living room floor. it's truly astounding i run so much of the show at work, i'm so bad, so disorganized in my personal life. barely holding on.
it's either me or the chaos, not sure yet who will win in the end.
my grandma back in indiana (that lived next door almost my whole life -- literally, my parents went out into the woods, hauled back logs, and built her a house right up the driveway from ours) is most certainly on the brink of leaving this world and i'm a mess. i just saw her a few weeks ago, but i just can't imagine her not being in the world. she was such a strong force in my childhood. my kids at work can't believe that i never had a nanny or knew anyone who did. it's like i'm speaking another language. i never even had babysitters, partly because we lived way out in the country (115 acres in the middle of a 23,000 acre state forest) and partly because my brother was nutso. like he and his friends kept 'accidentally' throwing each other through walls and somehow 'accidently' ended up being stabbed with throwing knives. from a good distance!
wow, i'm so random right now all doped up on the meds and still exhausted. i haven't been eating, but that part i don't really mind. aaaanyway.......where was i.......... oh yes, my grandma. so i'm having a bit of a hard time, and HATE valentine's day (not just because i'm single and bitter) so this month never goes well for me. i don't know if i should go home and see her again, or wait and go for the funeral...she's mostly asleep since she stopped the dialysis and insulin. but hell, she's 90. that's pretty amazing in itself, and she was a strong woman. went to college, which was pretty amazing at the time. was in the army, where she met my grandpa (who passed away when i was 6), and most hilariously, she was a basketball player (back when they had half a court and real baskets!) and PE teacher. i respect her decision now to stop the treatments and slip away peacefully. i will just miss her a lot.
weirdly, i just realized that i don't remember what my grandma's degree was in. i'm sure i knew at some point. every day i feel older and older, more forgetful, more gimped up. it's so ridiculous as i know i'm not very old, my coworkers yell at me all the time for saying i feel old, but it's been a very long and tiring 24 years. it's been a rough and crazy road and it's hard to explain to anyone. my job (working with a disabled child) has given me so much perspective. i feel it's so wrong when i complain but i guess at least this is a fairly reasonable venue, no one is forced to read it.
i am exhausted and babbling... hi friends! so sorry to those of you who i promised to send things to, most of those things sitting in bags on my living room floor. it's truly astounding i run so much of the show at work, i'm so bad, so disorganized in my personal life. barely holding on.
it's either me or the chaos, not sure yet who will win in the end.