Barnaby

[violaconspiracy]

Rebecca had already started lighting the candles for the evening when her youngest, Josiah, arrived home. As he rushed into the house, he brought a gust of wind with him that caused the small flames to dance and sputter.

"Slow down, boy, or I'll have to re-light every candle in the house!" she chided him. But there was laughter in her voice.

"

Comments

[whipchick]

Urgh!

I really like her reasoning for not marrying, and the voice here is great. This was a little long for me, but the characters were lovely.

[violaconspiracy]

I agree that it's a little long for LJ Idol, and I wasn't sure how well it would be received because of that. All told, I feel like I took as many words as I needed to in order to tell the story. But I'm also sure that a more practiced eye could probably direct me to areas that truly could be sacrificed without hurting the integrity of the piece.
I appreciate your taking the time to read it!

[whipchick]

Honestly, I don't know that it's long for the story itself - I agree, you used the words you needed. It's so much about this venue sometimes :)

[whipchick]

Just taking a quick look, it might be a surgical strike rather than big cuts - excuse me if this is unwanted help - there are places where your language is strong enough to need less of it. Looking at the first section

[whipchick]

"He's a ghost. I met him at the river

[whipchick]

Original, 605, edited, 484. And --again, forgive me if I'm overstepping--I think it keeps your voice and strengthens the story through a bit more directness and making the action move a little faster. The important parts are We depend on Josiah despite being a kid, and Something's eating the pie. Everything else is setting - good setting, but setting, and it's definitely clear from your word choices.

[violaconspiracy]

Thank you so much! Your editing suggestions make a lot of sense. My writing skills mostly developed doing college writing, and fiction is new to me. I think I still have the academic tendency to use three words where one will do. When I looked over the piece, I looked for lines or bits of information that I could leave out, but I didn't really think to fine comb for places where I could take out just a word or two.
I really appreciate that you took the time to have a closer look. I've never really gotten substantial concrit, and I think it's important to a writer's development.