To die, to sleep--To sleep, prechance to dream
So I am sitting here waiting for my next class to start and I’m thinking about my life (or sometimes my lack there of life).
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Before I go on with my thoughts and what not I want to say this........I know I seem to whine a lot about how hard my life is and I wouldn’t do it on here but I have a hard time talking about how bad things are for me with people cuz they don’t listen or they give me these looks which make me feel like they don’t care...so this is really the only place where I can let it all out and then afterwards feel a little better like some weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. When I write on here I don’t have to worry about what people might say or might think...which is nice for me cuz I don’t have to worry about any of the what ifs that would be popping in and out of my mind. Gosh....I love my lj.
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Sometimes I feel like giving up. It would be so easy just to end things then to go on pretending that everything is okay......cuz it’s not ok. I know that I am a disappointment, I know that I can’t do anything right...I know this. I see it in my parents eyes when they look at me, I hear it in my parents voice when they talk to me (and sometimes when they talk about me)...I try to be a good daughter but its hard cuz I don’t know what they want. It seems like no matter what I do or what I say I just can’t do anything right. Which is why I so badly want to live on campus...if I wasn’t at home then I could stop worrying about what they think about me and how to please them. it hurts me to feel like a reject in my own family….but I guess I’d rather it be me feeling left out then anyone else in my family. I’m slowly getting used to the idea of being the disappointment...the best thing that I can think of though...would be just to take myself out of the house so that way I don’t have to deal with it. Seems reasonable to me. Now to get off the topic of family cuz I could just go on and on about it and I don’t want to ramble on about my family life.
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I’ve decided what I am gonna do with church next year. I am still going to be apart of agape, I am gonna go to some youth nights, I will be helping out with the high school retreat, maybe the middle school retreat, and maybe choir. Living on campus is gonna make it hard to do all the things that I have done this year…but I am ok with it. I might be good that I have to cut back at church.
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Work is okay...its not really that difficult, but I’m kind of upset because no one really acknowledges the fact that I have been promoted. I was sooooo excited when I got promoted but I don’t feel like everyone I works with thinks I should be...i know it doesn’t mater if they think I should have it or not cuz I have the job and I’m gonna keep it….but sometimes I feel like I have to prove myself to them...when I shouldn’t have to. It’s added stress that I don’t need in my life.
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Then there are my friends. Many of my friends have been kind of rude lately. Words can cut soooooo deep and people don’t think before they speak. When you say hurtful things in front people who trust you and value your opinion and advice, it hurts soooooo much more then when a stranger says hurtful things. There are some people that I talk to and hang out with you don’t use there brains. They open their mouths and don’t close it until after the damage done. Then after you have been hurt by their words, they just go on and don’t say sorry...its like they don’t know how deep words can cut. Your friends should be there to comfort you not hurt you more.
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I wouldn’t feel so awful and I would be hurt by words if it wasn’t for the past. People say that you just need to move and go on wit life. But it is soooooo hard to want to keep going when anything can leave you wanting to die. Its not just words but its also just seeing a person (for example.....a few days ago I saw one of guys that made me just want to die during high school and all I could do was look down and try to hide) or seeing or hearing it happen to some one else. It’s amazing how 4 years of your life can determine how you will spend the rest of your life.
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I wish things were different for me. I wish I was stronger. I wish I could handle life and all the cards that we are dealt...but I can’t. I find myself wondering what life would be like if high school was different. If I was never hurt…..what would my life be like? How much different would I be?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Before I go on with my thoughts and what not I want to say this........I know I seem to whine a lot about how hard my life is and I wouldn’t do it on here but I have a hard time talking about how bad things are for me with people cuz they don’t listen or they give me these looks which make me feel like they don’t care...so this is really the only place where I can let it all out and then afterwards feel a little better like some weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. When I write on here I don’t have to worry about what people might say or might think...which is nice for me cuz I don’t have to worry about any of the what ifs that would be popping in and out of my mind. Gosh....I love my lj.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes I feel like giving up. It would be so easy just to end things then to go on pretending that everything is okay......cuz it’s not ok. I know that I am a disappointment, I know that I can’t do anything right...I know this. I see it in my parents eyes when they look at me, I hear it in my parents voice when they talk to me (and sometimes when they talk about me)...I try to be a good daughter but its hard cuz I don’t know what they want. It seems like no matter what I do or what I say I just can’t do anything right. Which is why I so badly want to live on campus...if I wasn’t at home then I could stop worrying about what they think about me and how to please them. it hurts me to feel like a reject in my own family….but I guess I’d rather it be me feeling left out then anyone else in my family. I’m slowly getting used to the idea of being the disappointment...the best thing that I can think of though...would be just to take myself out of the house so that way I don’t have to deal with it. Seems reasonable to me. Now to get off the topic of family cuz I could just go on and on about it and I don’t want to ramble on about my family life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I’ve decided what I am gonna do with church next year. I am still going to be apart of agape, I am gonna go to some youth nights, I will be helping out with the high school retreat, maybe the middle school retreat, and maybe choir. Living on campus is gonna make it hard to do all the things that I have done this year…but I am ok with it. I might be good that I have to cut back at church.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Work is okay...its not really that difficult, but I’m kind of upset because no one really acknowledges the fact that I have been promoted. I was sooooo excited when I got promoted but I don’t feel like everyone I works with thinks I should be...i know it doesn’t mater if they think I should have it or not cuz I have the job and I’m gonna keep it….but sometimes I feel like I have to prove myself to them...when I shouldn’t have to. It’s added stress that I don’t need in my life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Then there are my friends. Many of my friends have been kind of rude lately. Words can cut soooooo deep and people don’t think before they speak. When you say hurtful things in front people who trust you and value your opinion and advice, it hurts soooooo much more then when a stranger says hurtful things. There are some people that I talk to and hang out with you don’t use there brains. They open their mouths and don’t close it until after the damage done. Then after you have been hurt by their words, they just go on and don’t say sorry...its like they don’t know how deep words can cut. Your friends should be there to comfort you not hurt you more.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wouldn’t feel so awful and I would be hurt by words if it wasn’t for the past. People say that you just need to move and go on wit life. But it is soooooo hard to want to keep going when anything can leave you wanting to die. Its not just words but its also just seeing a person (for example.....a few days ago I saw one of guys that made me just want to die during high school and all I could do was look down and try to hide) or seeing or hearing it happen to some one else. It’s amazing how 4 years of your life can determine how you will spend the rest of your life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wish things were different for me. I wish I was stronger. I wish I could handle life and all the cards that we are dealt...but I can’t. I find myself wondering what life would be like if high school was different. If I was never hurt…..what would my life be like? How much different would I be?