[OneShot] The cliff
The water rushes against the cliff almost angrily as if it wants to crash right through it. But the rocks are stubborn and with an angry loud crash and a white crest the water is splashed back again only to come back with an even higher wave. It has been a fight for ages. Sometimes, if the ocean is calm, the waves would be more peaceful but the water is strong and persistant and over the last millions of years has eaten at lot of the rocky earth. Sometimes big rocks had fallen into the strong urge of the ocean when the water had managed to erode the rocks above and sometimes thunders or earthquakes had stolen more of the earth.
It’s a spectacular, intimidating and yet beautiful view, almost addictive and Shige has been standing at the edge of the cliff for what feels like hours now. The cold wind is blowing in his face, trying to push him back, always brings salty air, sometimes splashing small drops of water in his face. The ocean is churning today and so are the grey clouds in the sky moving with fast speed above his head. Without the sun the ocean looks dangerous, scary, painted in dark grey and when he lets his eyes wander to the horizon he can’t even tell where the ocean ends and the sky begins.
He’s high up here, maybe 10 meters, and sometimes loose stones beneath his feet are rustling and falling, immediately disappearing in the angry mouth of the ocean. If he fell he would probably immediately be dead - if not by falling on one of the rocks then surely by being thrown at the cliff by the furious water.
He leans forward a little bit more, knows that if a gust of wind catches him from behind now he would have no chance to stumble back. He would fall and die. Strange how he didn’t feel too scared about this fact.
He almost overhears the voice, wonders for a second whether it’s the storm yelling in his ear but eventually turns around.
There’s a guy leaning against Shige’s car almost too casually. His arms and legs are crossed and brief flashes of dark eyes, a prominent nose and sharp features are made visible between flashes of dark hair tousled by the wind. The look on the guy’s face is almost wry, one eyebrow slightly cocked as if he wouldn’t care at all if Shige jumped right here, right now. Shige thinks it’s probably true but then wonders why the guy talked to him them.
Shige must have looked puzzled because the guy pushes himself away from the car and steps the few steps closer to Shige, still carefully avoiding the edge of the cliff. Shige only now sees that even though this guy is visibly older he’s also a lot smaller. The stranger stops a leap away from the edge, yet tries to carefully look down and then shakes his head.
“Nah, definitely wouldn’t do it if I were you.”
“Do what?” Shige feels the need to ask even though it’s obvious.
The other guy now cocks his eyebrow completely.
“Jump, of course.” He still answers as if Shige was stupid.
“Who said I was going to jump?” As if to underline his statement, Shige stepped back, closer to the stranger whose hair now got blown in his face with the way he stood sideways to the wind, directly facing Shige.
“The wind can turn very quickly and with you standing so close it would have needed just a small wind crest. And you knew that, still stood there.”
Shige doesn’t answer, feels a bit caught. He didn’t come here with the intention to jump but the longer he looked down the more he felt the longing to just do it and see what happens.
“You think it’s a fast death. The easy way out, right?” The stranger continues, laughs sarcastically, almost bitterly. “I’ve seen many like you. They jumped but the waves wouldn’t let them die and so they were pushed mercilessly left and right, drowned, were spit out again. And then they started screaming for help but what can you do ten metres above them with no way down?”
Shige almost feels pity for the man with the now bitter eyes, eyebrows crunched in sad reverie.
“You live here?” Shige asks instead, doesn’t know what to say, feels the need to step further away from the edge though. The guy raises an eyebrow again if by the question or by Shige’s behaviour, Shige can’t tell. Then he nods in the general direction somewhere behind Shige and when he turns around he can see a house not far away from the cliff. If the winds were fortunate (or probably unfortunate for the guy) the screams would probably be heard around the house as well.
“People seem to like jumping from here. It’s lonely, they believe. They don’t think I can see them but the truth is I see each and everyone of them. Only yesterday a woman jumped. Took her longer than you. She was crying bitterly and then jumped. Then probably expected I would help her. Stupid woman. I don’t understand suicide. It’s cowardly.”
“Sometimes it’s the only way out.” Shige feels the need to defend.
The stranger spits.
“If everyone did suicide when they faced hard times there wouldn’t be any people left in the world.” That makes sense, Shige thinks.
They stay there for a while, neither moving, the wind blowing merciless around them as if shushing them away from the cliff.
The guy is the first one to move.
“Anyway, if you do decide to jump, do me the favour and don’t scream. It disrupts my sleep.” And with that the smaller guy walks away. Shige stares at him until he’s disappeared in his house, then looks back at the ocean and shivers.
Somehow he doesn’t feel like jumping anymore.
+
When Shige opens the door to his apartment he is greeted by darkness and coldness which also doesn’t go away when he turns on the light. His apartment is not what you would call spacious but for one person it’s okay. Mostly because Shige hardly hasn’t any furniture. A couch, a coffee table and the TV in the living room, a bed and closet in the bedroom and a small kitchen. His books and DVDs pile up in a corner and he hasn’t even come around buying a proper desk so he ends up doing all his work on the coffee table.
There are no pictures on the white walls and no plants decorating the apartment. It’s a place for sleep only ever since he got transferred here.
Life had been better, in Tokyo. There were friends, family and the love of his life, the job was stressful but his co-workers were nice and he had had what you’d call a life.
Then he suddenly got transferred. It’s a 6 hour drive away from Tokyo at some small village near the ocean where he’s to lead a new branch of the company. At first he was excited because it meant being promoted and he was only a little bit sad about leaving his old life and the people behind. He didn’t know back then that the village was not only rather small compared to Tokyo- but then again almost every village was small compared to Tokyo- but also very sleepy. His co-workers were altogether much older than him and he could see how they hated it working under someone who could be their son. It took Shige weeks until they did what he wanted, under a lot of mumbling and cursing though.
But the worst thing is that no one is here to talk to. The townspeople are cold towards the new kid from Tokyo and they let him feel how they do not want him here with ice cold stares and even colder shoulders. The only nice person is the bar man who smiles at him every time he enters the small bar at the main road. Shige guesses it’s because he always drinks a lot and can practically see the Yen signs in the other man’s eyes.
+
Shige tosses his keys on the coffee table and proceeds to go get a can of beer from the fridge. He sighs, his mind immediately running back to the phone conversation he had with his boyfriend- or ex boyfriend that is- earlier this day, before he stopped at the cliff.
“I wish you were here.” Shige said but instead of the expected answer he got long, suffering silence.
“I’m sorry, Shige. I- I think I found someone new.” There was a harsh sting in his heart and Shige thought he could suffocate from the news alone.
Of course he knew it wouldn’t be easy and that eventually they would break up over short or long but he hadn’t even been gone for 3 months.
“That fast?” was all Shige could answer.
“I’m sorry,” came the quick reply. Then, “I have to go now. I wish you good luck in your life.” And then the click of him hanging up.
Shige’s life suddenly tumbled into pieces now that his last straw got taken away. He had to get out and eventually had landed at the cliff.
The funny thing however is that Shige hadn’t really thought about actually jumping until the guy had told him not to. It struck him only now.
Shige shivers, takes a deep sip from his beer and before he can stop himself his thoughts wander to the stranger. He was the first guy his age and Shige wonders what a guy like him does in a place like this. He wonders whether he lives alone in the big house, whether he has a girlfriend and his thoughts stop at the memory of the face.
He can still remember it very clearly, still sees the almost tiny form right in front of him. He only has to reach out to touch him. He had only been able to guess what the thin fabric the wind had pressed against his skin had been hiding, wonders whether he’s muscular, whether his skin is soft or rough from the ocean wind already.
In his mind Shige is brushing away the bitterness from the guy’s face, tasting the slightly salty skin, kissing the soft looking lips.
Shige doesn’t even realize his hand has disappeared in his pants until the sensation of his own touch almost makes him jump. He looks around embarrassed and thinks about stopping but then notices that he most likely will never see that guy again anyway and he hadn’t had any kind of physical contact in weeks- including with his own- and so he just lets his mind slip off again.
+
Shige feels a bit stupid. No, actually he feels very stupid. It’s as if the guy from the cliff is a drug you get addicted from after taking it only once. No matter what he does his mind always slips back to this one meeting, to this face, to the mysterious, bitter eyes. But what he thinks is really stupid is that he’s been coming back for days now. Every time after work he drives to the cliff, sits on the hood of his car and stares out at the ocean, hoping for the guy to see him and come over. It is really stupid and if the guy knew he was there- which he probably did- he would probably laugh at him. But he never comes and Shige wonders whether he’s even at home. Sometimes he thinks about just knocking at his door but then can’t come up with an excuse and decides against it.
The best excuse he could find was “Thanks for making me not jump” but then he would have to admit he intended to which isn’t even really true.
Shige sighs, lets his look wander at the scenery. There’s only a light breeze today, which is probably always there, the sun is shining and the sky is blue. The ocean has a wonderful dark blue colour and he can hardly hear the waves crashing against the rocks beneath him. On the horizon he can even see a ship if he squints his eyes. It’s a peaceful day and for probably the first time in weeks Shige feels a bit relaxed. He can almost understand why someone would want to live here.
“You’re a weird stalker.” The voice startles him so much he almost falls from the hood.
“What?” Shige squeaks and he can feel the blush creeping up his neck and painting his cheeks dark red.
The other guy just gives him a cocky grin, then proceeds to sit next to him without even asking. The smell of earth hits Shige’s nose and only now does he see that the other one is painted with dirt all over his clothes and face. It’s almost cute, Shige thinks, and has to suppress a smile. The other one gives him a weird look but then turns and looks towards the ocean.
“What do you mean by stalker?” Shige asks warily.
The other one turns to look at him, raises an eyebrow, a mischievous glint in his eyes, nothing of the bitterness from before left. Shige gulps down a heavy lump in his throat.
“You think I’m stupid? Don’t you think I know you coming back pretending to be enjoying the scenery but throwing secret looks at my house hoping I would be coming?”
Shige feels very caught and blushes even harder than before.
“I didn’t stalk you.” He presses, looks away, stares hard at the horizon.
The other guy laughs.
“You still want in my pants!”
“What?” Shige’s head shots around. “T-That’s absolutely not true! I- I was just enjoying the- the beautiful ocean!” he stutters.
The other one just laughs again, the cocky grin back on his face.
“You know what? I decided to give you a chance. I actually don’t like city kids but you seem funny. I’ll allow you to cook for me tonight. Be at my house at 9 pm and be punctual. I hate if people run late!”
Shige can only blink because by the time he found a proper reply the other was already on his way back.
“Oh, and I’m Ryo, Kato Shigeaki!” the guy- Ryo- yelled, then waved and continued his way.
Shige was left feeling both excited and confused.
And most of all: How the hell did he know his name? (The answer was revealed when he got home and when taking off his shirt realised that his name tag had still been on.)
+
Exactly when the clock strikes 9pm Shige rings the bell. He hopes the ingredients he brought along are still fine since he spent the last 30 minutes in his car waiting the damn clock to hit 9.
Ryo greets him with a mischievous grin and very obviously looks him up and down- twice- before he lets Shige enter. Now Shige doesn’t only feel stupid but girly and terribly embarrassed as well. Entering the house of the object his sexual fantasies consist of makes him feel more than nervous and, well, embarrassed. The fact that Shige was so obvious even though he technically did nothing didn’t make it easier. He had the feeling this Ryo was able to look right through him with his intense, piercing eyes.
Shige feels like shivering again when he enters the spacious kitchen under the amused glance of Ryo.
“You can find all the utensils in here. I’m taking a shower.”
Shige only comes as far as “sho” before he has to gulp at the sight of Ryo taking off his shirt while walking to the stairs, exposing a muscular, tanned back. Shige hates how Ryo plays so obviously with him and even tries to glare when the older one throws another of his cocky grins over his shoulders before disappearing out of sight.
+
Shige intently and nervously watches as Ryo cuts his meat and prepares to eat it. Annoyingly slowly the piece of meat disappears into his mouth and Ryo takes his time to chew with a blank expression on his mind. Shige cranes his head and gulps when Ryo swallows and when he turns to finally look at Shige there is high amusement in his eyes.
“It’s okay.” He finally says and Shige’s heart almost drops.
“Okay?” he repeats frantically, quickly cutting his meat and eating it, trying to find the reason that makes the food only appear ‘okay’.
Ryo chuckles and Shige relaxes a bit. He glares at Ryo but the other has already turned his complete attention towards the food.
+
When Shige has to use the toilet he takes his time wandering through the hallway, taking in the sight of every picture, every painting he can see. Ryo’s house is warm, friendly but there is a nostalgic swinging with every picture of Ryo’s parents that makes Shige’s heart a bit heavier.
Ryo lives alone, so much Shige can see but he can also see that some of the furniture is probably older than Ryo himself and that makes Shige wonder. The only explanation he has is that Ryo’s parents must have died and Ryo now lives alone.
Again he feels sorry for him and when he returns to the living room with exactly that look on his face Ryo almost glares at him.
“What’s with that gloomy look? Did you find your penis is too small after all?”
Shige blinks, stutters something incoherently and glares, hands at his hips.
“There’s nothing wrong with my penis!” Shige finally manages to get out and the mischievous glint in Ryo’s eyes return as he gets up from the couch and steps closer to Shige. When they stand only centimetres apart Shige realizes how much smaller Ryo actually is and how tiny and breakable he comes across- that is until he opens his mouth.
“Guess that leaves me no other choice than to examine that!” Ryo answers with a suddenly husky voice, sending all kinds of shivers all over his body. Still, Shige is a bit scared of the sudden turns of events and unintentionally steps backwards, Ryo following.
“Erm” Shige hums because he actually doesn’t know what to say, trying to stay cool and collected, his body reacting immediately to the promise in Ryo’s eyes. He feels like the prey of some sort of feline predator, slowly getting trapped in the corner.
That is until Ryo has enough of this game, rolls his eyes, grabs Shige by the collar of his shirt and crushes their lips together. Shige is shell shocked for a split second but then Ryo pulls him closer by the hip and finally Shige eagerly responds. He can feel Ryo grin into the kiss but he’s feeling a bit dizzy already and the only thing that comes to his mind is
“Bed. Now.”
Ryo happily obliges.
+
Shige awakes to the sun shining directly into his face. He squints, groans and snuggles his face deeper into the pillow, breathes in the distinct scent that is Ryo and- suddenly is wide awake. He shoots up into a sitting position, squints at the light before looking around the room.
The sun brightly laughs at him from outside the window and after a while Shige realizes what it means- he’s terribly late for work.
He stumbles out of bed upon realizing that Ryo is not there as well, manages to get stuck in the blanket and ungracefully tumbles to the floor.
“Shit.” He swears, before getting up again and searching for his clothes. He goes after the path of them and by the time he has found his shirt Ryo grins at him from the kitchen.
Shige stills for a second, wonders how he is supposed to react but then Ryo asks:
“Coffee?”
Shige shakes his head, gets another shock when he sees the microwave blinking at him, telling him that it’s almost noontime.
“You should have woken me up!” Shige replies, still staring at the clock.
Ryo snorts.
“I’m not your secretary!”
Shige wants to answer something but then his mobile rings and it takes him a while to find it.
“Yes?” he blurts, trying not to sound as sleepy as he still feels.
“Where are you? Everyone’s already having a party thinking you quit and went back!” his real secretary- the only one who seemed to like him at least a bit- answers, sounding a bit worried.
Shige’s eyebrow twitches.
“I- erm- I had to visit a customer on short notice. I’ll be there soon.”
When he hangs up and looks at Ryo the other one smirks at him.
“A customer, huh?” he chuckles.
“Shut up!” Shige remarks, searching for his wallet and proceeding to leave.
“Hey! Won’t I get a good bye kiss at least?”
Shige only raises an eyebrow in response before hurrying to work.
+
Shige comes to find that life in the small village isn’t so bad after all. He meets Ryo on an almost daily basis now and they spend wonderful hours together. Sometimes they cook, sometimes they watch TV and when the weather is nice they go out for walks. He finds that Ryo is very touchy feely but he can’t say he minds.
News spread around here very quickly and once his co-workers find out about Shige being close with Ryo they eventually start to accept him as well. Of course no one knows how close they are at times, some maybe guess but most don’t seem to care.
He receives reassuring, nice smiles from the sales clerk at the convenience store and even gets told “I’m glad Ryo can smile again like he used to” which startles him a bit but the clerk doesn’t elaborate and he doesn’t ask.
+
It’s a stormy night and the wind brings the salty smell from the ocean. Ryo and Shige spend the evening in front of the TV but because Shige has work tomorrow they go to bed early. It’s almost as if Shige already lives in Ryo’s house, he even brought along a new tooth brush and a set of clothes.
They snuggle against each other and it doesn’t take long for Shige to get tired and sleepy but just when he’s about to doze off a long, painful scream jolts him and he sits in the bed. He feels Ryo move and sit up next to him.
“What’s up?” Ryo’s voice is sleepy. He yawns and tries pulling Shige back but then the screams repeats, not as loud this time and exhausted.
“Someone’s screaming. Shouldn’t we help?” Shige already halfway out of the bed when Ryo finds his wrist and roughly pulls him back.
“And what do you intend on doing? Jumping after her and getting killed yourself?” Ryo answers sharply and suddenly all the bitterness is back in his voice.
Shige stares at the place where he guesses Ryo’s head is, his nails painfully digging into his wrist as if he wants to hold him in place no matter what.
“If they jump they already decided for the inevitable.”
Shige wants to reply something but another scream hits his ears, makes him shiver. He can practically see the woman- or girl- fighting for her life, bones probably already broken from the sheer force of the water chucking her against the cliff, lungs full of water.
He shivers, goosebumps form on his arm and he feels like vomiting. The grip on his arm is still tight. It’s silent now. Only the wind screams, brings the clashing sound of the waves along. The screams have stopped and Shige knows she’s dead now.
“There’s nothing you can do.” He hears Ryo’s voice, closer to his ear now, the bitterness now clearly swinging along.
Shige’s hand searches blindly for Ryo who let go of his wrist and he finds him pulls him close, almost suffocates him. Ryo makes a strangling sound and Shige loosens his grip a bit, still holds onto to him and eventually Ryo hugs him back.
Shige hears a sniffing sound from the other one, just right next to his ear and now it’s him almost suffocated by the sheer force of Ryo’s arms.
“Tell me what happened.” Shige asks softly, counting one and one together. All the pictures in the house, the old furniture, the mere fact that Ryo owns a house at this young age, all the bitterness towards the people who want to end their lives.
“He jumped. Just like that. Waved at me. Then jumped. This bastard.” Ryo mumbles, grip tight on Shige’s pajama shirt.
“Your father?”
Ryo nods, takes a deep breath and Shige feels his shoulder getting dump. He soothes his hand over Ryo’s back, assuring him to just go on, let it go.
“Mom said he lost his job. And this coward of a man selfishly jumped. They wanted to take the house. And so he jumped but after he did he wasn’t so brave anymore. This fool screamed for help. How could he.” Ryo sniffles, anger and bitterness evident in both words and voice.
“Your mother?”
“Couldn’t stand the pain and the memory and just left. I was 14 for fucking sake. What parents leave their 14 year old kid behind?” Ryo yells, pushing Shige away.
Shige wonders, too.
“How could you keep the house?”
Shige isn’t sure whether it was appropriate pushing further, appearing curious but Ryo slightly laughed, sniffled again.
“The villagers. Chased off the bank guys who came from Tokyo. It’s why they hate city people.”
“You’ve lived here all by yourself for 10 years?” Shige asks incredulous. He’s both flabbergasted and disbelieved.
Ryo manages to laugh.
“Yeah. Where else should I have gone?”
Shige shrugs even though Ryo can’t see it.
“I don’t know, ancestors?”
“After they helped me keep the house? Someone had to take care of it. And I’m not all alone. The villagers are still there.”
Shige nods. Finally understand a lot.
“I’m sorry, Ryo.” Shige says because he doesn’t know what else to say. Ryo just laughs.
“What for? That both my parents are cowards?”
“No, it’s more like... that you get reminded of what happened anytime someone- jumps.”
A hand lands on his arm, crawls up to his shoulder, his cheek, thumb softly brushing his lip.
“I’m just glad you didn’t jump.” Ryo whispers, voice very close, so close his breath brushes Shige’s face.
It’s as close to a love confession as Ryo seems able to give.
+
One time, when Shige is on his way from the car to Ryo’s house, he sees it first-hand. It’s a guy, so much Shige can see and he is about to yell at him but then the guy disappears out of his sight. The wind carries some gurgling noises to his ear. Shige vomits. Then runs but in the dark sees nothing. Then again he’s careful not to come too close to the edge because he knows it’s dangerous. The wind is strong and the last thing he wants is to bring another misery into Ryo’s life.
When he enters Ryo’s house to which he has a key by now he is greeted by Ryo’s first happy and worried expression.
“What happened to you?” Ryo asks, eyebrows crunched.
“Someone jumped and I couldn’t do anything.” Shige squeaks, feels the sickness coming back.
Ryo’s look hardens.
“You’ll get used to it.” He answers almost stubbornly, leads Shige to the couch and brings him a shot of hard alcohol.
“What if I never get used to it?” Shige asks back, regrets it immediately when Ryo’s expression goes blank. “I’m sorry.” Shige adds but it doesn’t change Ryo’s expression.
The older gets up, almost stiffly goes back to the kitchen to finish off dinner.
“You are free to go anytime you want.” Ryo eventually says, each word stinging like knives right into Shige’s heart.
Shige opens his mouth to say to something but his “But I don’t want to go” only lefts his mouth as whisper.
The atmosphere is icy for the rest of the night and Shige wonders whether he’s supposed to go home and not stay especially when Ryo flips off the TV and proceeds to go upstairs.
“I’m going to bed.” Ryo states the obvious, then disappears.
Shige sits on the couch for a while, unsure of what do until Ryo reappears, half-glares at him.
“Do you want to sleep on the couch or are you intending to join me?”
Shige jumps, almost stumbles over the rug on his way to the stairs. Ryo gives him a weird look then walks back to the bathroom.
“I never intended on going.” Shige says later into the dark. Ryo lies on the opposite of the bed and Shige isn’t even sure whether he even heard him.
There’s rustling of sheets, then:
“I know.”
Shige is reaching out his hand, Ryo eventually finds it, snuggles closer and Shige sighs into the warmth of Ryo’s petite form.
“I still don’t know what you do for a daily living.” Shige suddenly realises.
Ryo chuckles, finds Shige’s mouth, kisses him, long, slowly, lazily. Shige hums into the kiss, is still fascinated how Ryo manages to knock him off his feet with something as simple as a kiss, wonders where he learnt that.
He brushes Ryo off, asks again.
“What is your job? Even you can’t live with only love and air.”
“You go in and out of house for 4 months now and still don’t know about my office?”
“What office?”
Ryo chuckles again.
“The one downstairs. You really are a jerk.”
Shige pouts but Ryo can’t see it.
“It’s not like I want to spy out your house like some thief or something.”
There’s silence for a moment and Shige enjoys Ryo’s breath the tickles the skin on his neck. It’s moments like these when he wishes they could lie like this forever.
“I’m a web designer.” Ryo eventually says, jolts Shige out of his dreamy daze. “I had a lot of time and self studied a lot. And now I create web sites for all kinds of people.”
“I’ve never seen you go on business trips or meet people.”
Ryo laughs.
“Shige, in what age do you live? You can do this by E-Mail.”
Shige nods, that makes sense.
Ryo moves again, softly brushes their lips together and Shige melts into the kiss, already forgetting what they were wasting their time with by talking when Ryo could so much better things with his mouth.
+
Shige sits in his office, hums some melody from the movie they watched yesterday and feels like he’s flying through life. There’s nothing left from his depression about this town and life in general and if he has to think back he almost comes to the conclusion his life has never been better.
Therefore the call he receives is like a punch in his face that has him stumbling and almost falling down face first.
“You did a great job here and therefore we plan on transferring you back to Tokyo where you will lead the Shibuya branch. Kumamoto-san will replace you in your current position. He will start in two weeks and once he’s become acquainted to the position you can transfer. We thought about next month.”
When Shige hears this he doesn’t know what to answer. He wastes not one thought on being promoted again. The only thing that crosses his mind that makes is hard to breathe is “I’m going to have to leave Ryo.”
“Kato-san?”
Shige jolts back to reality.
“Wh-what if I don’t want to transfer?”
There’s a moment of surprised silence.
“Why wouldn’t you? It’s the chance of your life and you would be- honestly speaking- unwise to refuse.”
Shige chews on his bottom lip.
“What would happen if I still refused?”
The guy on the other end of the line sighs.
“Let’s say it like that: It’s transferring back to Tokyo or nothing.”
Shige winces a bit. He feared this answer but knew it all along. When he signed the contract he knew that he would have to transfer from time to time or get kicked out completely. It’s the way the company works.
“I’ll think about it.” He finally says.
“Good. We will fax you the new contract. You will find all the information we discussed now in there, too. Have a nice day.” And with that he hung up.
Shige feels his life crumples into tiny little pieces again.
+
When Shige doesn’t react to any of Ryo’s approaches and doesn’t so much as moan when Ryo cups him through his pants, the older immediately stops and glares.
“Did I do something to you?” Ryo snaps, sitting up and slowly Shige returns to reality, gives him a puzzled look.
“What?”
Ryo’s glare darkens and Shige knows he’s more than offended. Shige sits up, shakes his head.
“No, it’s just… I will be getting transferred back to Tokyo in a month.”
“Oh” is all Ryo says. He tries not to look disappointed but by now Shige can see right through him.
“I- don’t want to go so I asked them to let me stay.”
There’s a faint gleam of hope and Shige hates how he’s about to destroy it again.
“But they said if I don’t transfer I will get fired.”
The gleam disappears and Ryo turns around.
“Guess you have to go then, right?” he asks, sounds a bit offended, a bit too cold.
Shige stares at his back, sighs. His heart pounds against his chest as if it wants to jump out of his rib cage and there’s a huge lump in his throat he doesn’t get away even with gulping.
Shige scrambles closer, hugs Ryo from behind, leans his head against Ryo’s bony shoulder blade.
“We still have a month” Shige whispers as if that would make it better. Ryo sighs, eventually leans in to the hug and they stay like this for what feels like forever.
+
They try to act like forever but Shige can almost see Ryo slowly turning away from him. He tells him off more often and on the rare occasions Shige gets to spend night Ryo hardly approaches him and brushes him away. It’s as if Ryo wants to close down on him, wants to turn away so that when Shige has to go he doesn’t get as miserable. Shige can see how much Ryo is suffering.
He wonders whether it’s for the best if they see each other less often as to slowly get used to not seeing each other anymore. But he finds he can’t.
When he sleeps at home, his actual home, he finds that a life without Ryo next to him seems almost impossible. The mattress is uncomfortable and it’s way too cold altogether and somehow he misses hearing the sound of his breathe and the heat his body is radiating.
The month passes fairly quickly, too quickly and by the time Shige has to pack his few things he’s already positive about dying for real this time.
He spent his time trying to weigh the pros of going and the pros of staying. He even had made a list but the only thing standing on the pro for staying side was “Ryo” written as a big fat kanji.
The pros for going side was much longer, including the promotion, the additional money- or money in general because if he stayed he wouldn’t have a job and there no money-, being back with his friends and family.
But no matter how rational he tried to be, his gaze would always shift back to the kanji Ryo symbolised.
Shige sighs. And is surprised by himself. It has never struck him until now that when he thinks of the love of his life it’s always Ryo he means. He almost laughs at the way fate has sent him here. And he also notices how history repeats itself. Remembers how it felt like leaving the man he’d thought was the love of his life and hearing only a few weeks later that it turned out he loved someone else.
And he thinks about leaving Ryo behind. Thinks about the bitterness Ryo had in his eyes when he first met him and realizes that it has gone out of his voice, his expression, almost completely. He thinks about how Ryo feels being left alone again, just like that.
It almost makes Shige cry.
And he thinks about leaving, thinks about never seeing Ryo again, never talking to him ever again, never sharing the same bed, never feeling the warmth.
It makes Shige cry.
+
He rushes to Ryo’s house. He hasn’t been visiting often during the last four weeks and fumbles with the keys and after a lot of swearing finally gets the door open.
It’s dark inside and when Shige calls out for Ryo he gets no response.
He takes his mobile and calls Ryo but then hears his ring tone and realizes Ryo either is home or left his mobile behind.
Shige starts to panic, frantically runs through the house, opens all kinds of doors but Ryo is not there.
The worst chain of thoughts struck his mind and he runs outside to the cliff but it’s dark already and he can’t see anything. He rushes forward, knows it’s stupid and almost gets a heart attack by the sheer thought. Just when he’s far enough at the edge to look down by craning his head forward enough, a very familiar voice comes from behind:
“I wouldn’t jump if I were you!”
Shige shoots back, his heart almost dropping to his feet and before Ryo can say anything else Shige has pulled him into a tight hug that almost squeezes the air out of his lungs.
“Gosh, I was scared you jumped.” Shige whispers, tries to pull Ryo closer as if he would jump after all if only Shige let him go.
“Why would I jump, idiot?” Ryo says, squirming himself out of the hug with surprisingly strong moves.
Shige suddenly laughs. Feels stupid and reaches out for Ryo again, pulls him into an eager kiss.
When Shige pulls away his eyes shine.
“I’m not going!”
Ryo looks confused.
“What about your job?”
“Fuck the job, there are more important things in life then a career.”
Ryo cocks an eyebrow.
“And what are you going to live on? Love and air?” he asks sarcastically, both knowing very well what he hinted at.
“If it’s necessary.”
Ryo rolls his eyes.
“You’re an idiot.” But then pulls him into another kiss.
Shige laughs. He pushes aside all thoughts of how he actually is going to live from now on because he knows that this was not only the right decision, it was the only decision.
---------------------------
Be proud of me for not killing off Shige this time :D And sorry for the weird ending. I want to go to bed haha
It’s a spectacular, intimidating and yet beautiful view, almost addictive and Shige has been standing at the edge of the cliff for what feels like hours now. The cold wind is blowing in his face, trying to push him back, always brings salty air, sometimes splashing small drops of water in his face. The ocean is churning today and so are the grey clouds in the sky moving with fast speed above his head. Without the sun the ocean looks dangerous, scary, painted in dark grey and when he lets his eyes wander to the horizon he can’t even tell where the ocean ends and the sky begins.
He’s high up here, maybe 10 meters, and sometimes loose stones beneath his feet are rustling and falling, immediately disappearing in the angry mouth of the ocean. If he fell he would probably immediately be dead - if not by falling on one of the rocks then surely by being thrown at the cliff by the furious water.
He leans forward a little bit more, knows that if a gust of wind catches him from behind now he would have no chance to stumble back. He would fall and die. Strange how he didn’t feel too scared about this fact.
He almost overhears the voice, wonders for a second whether it’s the storm yelling in his ear but eventually turns around.
There’s a guy leaning against Shige’s car almost too casually. His arms and legs are crossed and brief flashes of dark eyes, a prominent nose and sharp features are made visible between flashes of dark hair tousled by the wind. The look on the guy’s face is almost wry, one eyebrow slightly cocked as if he wouldn’t care at all if Shige jumped right here, right now. Shige thinks it’s probably true but then wonders why the guy talked to him them.
Shige must have looked puzzled because the guy pushes himself away from the car and steps the few steps closer to Shige, still carefully avoiding the edge of the cliff. Shige only now sees that even though this guy is visibly older he’s also a lot smaller. The stranger stops a leap away from the edge, yet tries to carefully look down and then shakes his head.
“Nah, definitely wouldn’t do it if I were you.”
“Do what?” Shige feels the need to ask even though it’s obvious.
The other guy now cocks his eyebrow completely.
“Jump, of course.” He still answers as if Shige was stupid.
“Who said I was going to jump?” As if to underline his statement, Shige stepped back, closer to the stranger whose hair now got blown in his face with the way he stood sideways to the wind, directly facing Shige.
“The wind can turn very quickly and with you standing so close it would have needed just a small wind crest. And you knew that, still stood there.”
Shige doesn’t answer, feels a bit caught. He didn’t come here with the intention to jump but the longer he looked down the more he felt the longing to just do it and see what happens.
“You think it’s a fast death. The easy way out, right?” The stranger continues, laughs sarcastically, almost bitterly. “I’ve seen many like you. They jumped but the waves wouldn’t let them die and so they were pushed mercilessly left and right, drowned, were spit out again. And then they started screaming for help but what can you do ten metres above them with no way down?”
Shige almost feels pity for the man with the now bitter eyes, eyebrows crunched in sad reverie.
“You live here?” Shige asks instead, doesn’t know what to say, feels the need to step further away from the edge though. The guy raises an eyebrow again if by the question or by Shige’s behaviour, Shige can’t tell. Then he nods in the general direction somewhere behind Shige and when he turns around he can see a house not far away from the cliff. If the winds were fortunate (or probably unfortunate for the guy) the screams would probably be heard around the house as well.
“People seem to like jumping from here. It’s lonely, they believe. They don’t think I can see them but the truth is I see each and everyone of them. Only yesterday a woman jumped. Took her longer than you. She was crying bitterly and then jumped. Then probably expected I would help her. Stupid woman. I don’t understand suicide. It’s cowardly.”
“Sometimes it’s the only way out.” Shige feels the need to defend.
The stranger spits.
“If everyone did suicide when they faced hard times there wouldn’t be any people left in the world.” That makes sense, Shige thinks.
They stay there for a while, neither moving, the wind blowing merciless around them as if shushing them away from the cliff.
The guy is the first one to move.
“Anyway, if you do decide to jump, do me the favour and don’t scream. It disrupts my sleep.” And with that the smaller guy walks away. Shige stares at him until he’s disappeared in his house, then looks back at the ocean and shivers.
Somehow he doesn’t feel like jumping anymore.
+
When Shige opens the door to his apartment he is greeted by darkness and coldness which also doesn’t go away when he turns on the light. His apartment is not what you would call spacious but for one person it’s okay. Mostly because Shige hardly hasn’t any furniture. A couch, a coffee table and the TV in the living room, a bed and closet in the bedroom and a small kitchen. His books and DVDs pile up in a corner and he hasn’t even come around buying a proper desk so he ends up doing all his work on the coffee table.
There are no pictures on the white walls and no plants decorating the apartment. It’s a place for sleep only ever since he got transferred here.
Life had been better, in Tokyo. There were friends, family and the love of his life, the job was stressful but his co-workers were nice and he had had what you’d call a life.
Then he suddenly got transferred. It’s a 6 hour drive away from Tokyo at some small village near the ocean where he’s to lead a new branch of the company. At first he was excited because it meant being promoted and he was only a little bit sad about leaving his old life and the people behind. He didn’t know back then that the village was not only rather small compared to Tokyo- but then again almost every village was small compared to Tokyo- but also very sleepy. His co-workers were altogether much older than him and he could see how they hated it working under someone who could be their son. It took Shige weeks until they did what he wanted, under a lot of mumbling and cursing though.
But the worst thing is that no one is here to talk to. The townspeople are cold towards the new kid from Tokyo and they let him feel how they do not want him here with ice cold stares and even colder shoulders. The only nice person is the bar man who smiles at him every time he enters the small bar at the main road. Shige guesses it’s because he always drinks a lot and can practically see the Yen signs in the other man’s eyes.
+
Shige tosses his keys on the coffee table and proceeds to go get a can of beer from the fridge. He sighs, his mind immediately running back to the phone conversation he had with his boyfriend- or ex boyfriend that is- earlier this day, before he stopped at the cliff.
“I wish you were here.” Shige said but instead of the expected answer he got long, suffering silence.
“I’m sorry, Shige. I- I think I found someone new.” There was a harsh sting in his heart and Shige thought he could suffocate from the news alone.
Of course he knew it wouldn’t be easy and that eventually they would break up over short or long but he hadn’t even been gone for 3 months.
“That fast?” was all Shige could answer.
“I’m sorry,” came the quick reply. Then, “I have to go now. I wish you good luck in your life.” And then the click of him hanging up.
Shige’s life suddenly tumbled into pieces now that his last straw got taken away. He had to get out and eventually had landed at the cliff.
The funny thing however is that Shige hadn’t really thought about actually jumping until the guy had told him not to. It struck him only now.
Shige shivers, takes a deep sip from his beer and before he can stop himself his thoughts wander to the stranger. He was the first guy his age and Shige wonders what a guy like him does in a place like this. He wonders whether he lives alone in the big house, whether he has a girlfriend and his thoughts stop at the memory of the face.
He can still remember it very clearly, still sees the almost tiny form right in front of him. He only has to reach out to touch him. He had only been able to guess what the thin fabric the wind had pressed against his skin had been hiding, wonders whether he’s muscular, whether his skin is soft or rough from the ocean wind already.
In his mind Shige is brushing away the bitterness from the guy’s face, tasting the slightly salty skin, kissing the soft looking lips.
Shige doesn’t even realize his hand has disappeared in his pants until the sensation of his own touch almost makes him jump. He looks around embarrassed and thinks about stopping but then notices that he most likely will never see that guy again anyway and he hadn’t had any kind of physical contact in weeks- including with his own- and so he just lets his mind slip off again.
+
Shige feels a bit stupid. No, actually he feels very stupid. It’s as if the guy from the cliff is a drug you get addicted from after taking it only once. No matter what he does his mind always slips back to this one meeting, to this face, to the mysterious, bitter eyes. But what he thinks is really stupid is that he’s been coming back for days now. Every time after work he drives to the cliff, sits on the hood of his car and stares out at the ocean, hoping for the guy to see him and come over. It is really stupid and if the guy knew he was there- which he probably did- he would probably laugh at him. But he never comes and Shige wonders whether he’s even at home. Sometimes he thinks about just knocking at his door but then can’t come up with an excuse and decides against it.
The best excuse he could find was “Thanks for making me not jump” but then he would have to admit he intended to which isn’t even really true.
Shige sighs, lets his look wander at the scenery. There’s only a light breeze today, which is probably always there, the sun is shining and the sky is blue. The ocean has a wonderful dark blue colour and he can hardly hear the waves crashing against the rocks beneath him. On the horizon he can even see a ship if he squints his eyes. It’s a peaceful day and for probably the first time in weeks Shige feels a bit relaxed. He can almost understand why someone would want to live here.
“You’re a weird stalker.” The voice startles him so much he almost falls from the hood.
“What?” Shige squeaks and he can feel the blush creeping up his neck and painting his cheeks dark red.
The other guy just gives him a cocky grin, then proceeds to sit next to him without even asking. The smell of earth hits Shige’s nose and only now does he see that the other one is painted with dirt all over his clothes and face. It’s almost cute, Shige thinks, and has to suppress a smile. The other one gives him a weird look but then turns and looks towards the ocean.
“What do you mean by stalker?” Shige asks warily.
The other one turns to look at him, raises an eyebrow, a mischievous glint in his eyes, nothing of the bitterness from before left. Shige gulps down a heavy lump in his throat.
“You think I’m stupid? Don’t you think I know you coming back pretending to be enjoying the scenery but throwing secret looks at my house hoping I would be coming?”
Shige feels very caught and blushes even harder than before.
“I didn’t stalk you.” He presses, looks away, stares hard at the horizon.
The other guy laughs.
“You still want in my pants!”
“What?” Shige’s head shots around. “T-That’s absolutely not true! I- I was just enjoying the- the beautiful ocean!” he stutters.
The other one just laughs again, the cocky grin back on his face.
“You know what? I decided to give you a chance. I actually don’t like city kids but you seem funny. I’ll allow you to cook for me tonight. Be at my house at 9 pm and be punctual. I hate if people run late!”
Shige can only blink because by the time he found a proper reply the other was already on his way back.
“Oh, and I’m Ryo, Kato Shigeaki!” the guy- Ryo- yelled, then waved and continued his way.
Shige was left feeling both excited and confused.
And most of all: How the hell did he know his name? (The answer was revealed when he got home and when taking off his shirt realised that his name tag had still been on.)
+
Exactly when the clock strikes 9pm Shige rings the bell. He hopes the ingredients he brought along are still fine since he spent the last 30 minutes in his car waiting the damn clock to hit 9.
Ryo greets him with a mischievous grin and very obviously looks him up and down- twice- before he lets Shige enter. Now Shige doesn’t only feel stupid but girly and terribly embarrassed as well. Entering the house of the object his sexual fantasies consist of makes him feel more than nervous and, well, embarrassed. The fact that Shige was so obvious even though he technically did nothing didn’t make it easier. He had the feeling this Ryo was able to look right through him with his intense, piercing eyes.
Shige feels like shivering again when he enters the spacious kitchen under the amused glance of Ryo.
“You can find all the utensils in here. I’m taking a shower.”
Shige only comes as far as “sho” before he has to gulp at the sight of Ryo taking off his shirt while walking to the stairs, exposing a muscular, tanned back. Shige hates how Ryo plays so obviously with him and even tries to glare when the older one throws another of his cocky grins over his shoulders before disappearing out of sight.
+
Shige intently and nervously watches as Ryo cuts his meat and prepares to eat it. Annoyingly slowly the piece of meat disappears into his mouth and Ryo takes his time to chew with a blank expression on his mind. Shige cranes his head and gulps when Ryo swallows and when he turns to finally look at Shige there is high amusement in his eyes.
“It’s okay.” He finally says and Shige’s heart almost drops.
“Okay?” he repeats frantically, quickly cutting his meat and eating it, trying to find the reason that makes the food only appear ‘okay’.
Ryo chuckles and Shige relaxes a bit. He glares at Ryo but the other has already turned his complete attention towards the food.
+
When Shige has to use the toilet he takes his time wandering through the hallway, taking in the sight of every picture, every painting he can see. Ryo’s house is warm, friendly but there is a nostalgic swinging with every picture of Ryo’s parents that makes Shige’s heart a bit heavier.
Ryo lives alone, so much Shige can see but he can also see that some of the furniture is probably older than Ryo himself and that makes Shige wonder. The only explanation he has is that Ryo’s parents must have died and Ryo now lives alone.
Again he feels sorry for him and when he returns to the living room with exactly that look on his face Ryo almost glares at him.
“What’s with that gloomy look? Did you find your penis is too small after all?”
Shige blinks, stutters something incoherently and glares, hands at his hips.
“There’s nothing wrong with my penis!” Shige finally manages to get out and the mischievous glint in Ryo’s eyes return as he gets up from the couch and steps closer to Shige. When they stand only centimetres apart Shige realizes how much smaller Ryo actually is and how tiny and breakable he comes across- that is until he opens his mouth.
“Guess that leaves me no other choice than to examine that!” Ryo answers with a suddenly husky voice, sending all kinds of shivers all over his body. Still, Shige is a bit scared of the sudden turns of events and unintentionally steps backwards, Ryo following.
“Erm” Shige hums because he actually doesn’t know what to say, trying to stay cool and collected, his body reacting immediately to the promise in Ryo’s eyes. He feels like the prey of some sort of feline predator, slowly getting trapped in the corner.
That is until Ryo has enough of this game, rolls his eyes, grabs Shige by the collar of his shirt and crushes their lips together. Shige is shell shocked for a split second but then Ryo pulls him closer by the hip and finally Shige eagerly responds. He can feel Ryo grin into the kiss but he’s feeling a bit dizzy already and the only thing that comes to his mind is
“Bed. Now.”
Ryo happily obliges.
+
Shige awakes to the sun shining directly into his face. He squints, groans and snuggles his face deeper into the pillow, breathes in the distinct scent that is Ryo and- suddenly is wide awake. He shoots up into a sitting position, squints at the light before looking around the room.
The sun brightly laughs at him from outside the window and after a while Shige realizes what it means- he’s terribly late for work.
He stumbles out of bed upon realizing that Ryo is not there as well, manages to get stuck in the blanket and ungracefully tumbles to the floor.
“Shit.” He swears, before getting up again and searching for his clothes. He goes after the path of them and by the time he has found his shirt Ryo grins at him from the kitchen.
Shige stills for a second, wonders how he is supposed to react but then Ryo asks:
“Coffee?”
Shige shakes his head, gets another shock when he sees the microwave blinking at him, telling him that it’s almost noontime.
“You should have woken me up!” Shige replies, still staring at the clock.
Ryo snorts.
“I’m not your secretary!”
Shige wants to answer something but then his mobile rings and it takes him a while to find it.
“Yes?” he blurts, trying not to sound as sleepy as he still feels.
“Where are you? Everyone’s already having a party thinking you quit and went back!” his real secretary- the only one who seemed to like him at least a bit- answers, sounding a bit worried.
Shige’s eyebrow twitches.
“I- erm- I had to visit a customer on short notice. I’ll be there soon.”
When he hangs up and looks at Ryo the other one smirks at him.
“A customer, huh?” he chuckles.
“Shut up!” Shige remarks, searching for his wallet and proceeding to leave.
“Hey! Won’t I get a good bye kiss at least?”
Shige only raises an eyebrow in response before hurrying to work.
+
Shige comes to find that life in the small village isn’t so bad after all. He meets Ryo on an almost daily basis now and they spend wonderful hours together. Sometimes they cook, sometimes they watch TV and when the weather is nice they go out for walks. He finds that Ryo is very touchy feely but he can’t say he minds.
News spread around here very quickly and once his co-workers find out about Shige being close with Ryo they eventually start to accept him as well. Of course no one knows how close they are at times, some maybe guess but most don’t seem to care.
He receives reassuring, nice smiles from the sales clerk at the convenience store and even gets told “I’m glad Ryo can smile again like he used to” which startles him a bit but the clerk doesn’t elaborate and he doesn’t ask.
+
It’s a stormy night and the wind brings the salty smell from the ocean. Ryo and Shige spend the evening in front of the TV but because Shige has work tomorrow they go to bed early. It’s almost as if Shige already lives in Ryo’s house, he even brought along a new tooth brush and a set of clothes.
They snuggle against each other and it doesn’t take long for Shige to get tired and sleepy but just when he’s about to doze off a long, painful scream jolts him and he sits in the bed. He feels Ryo move and sit up next to him.
“What’s up?” Ryo’s voice is sleepy. He yawns and tries pulling Shige back but then the screams repeats, not as loud this time and exhausted.
“Someone’s screaming. Shouldn’t we help?” Shige already halfway out of the bed when Ryo finds his wrist and roughly pulls him back.
“And what do you intend on doing? Jumping after her and getting killed yourself?” Ryo answers sharply and suddenly all the bitterness is back in his voice.
Shige stares at the place where he guesses Ryo’s head is, his nails painfully digging into his wrist as if he wants to hold him in place no matter what.
“If they jump they already decided for the inevitable.”
Shige wants to reply something but another scream hits his ears, makes him shiver. He can practically see the woman- or girl- fighting for her life, bones probably already broken from the sheer force of the water chucking her against the cliff, lungs full of water.
He shivers, goosebumps form on his arm and he feels like vomiting. The grip on his arm is still tight. It’s silent now. Only the wind screams, brings the clashing sound of the waves along. The screams have stopped and Shige knows she’s dead now.
“There’s nothing you can do.” He hears Ryo’s voice, closer to his ear now, the bitterness now clearly swinging along.
Shige’s hand searches blindly for Ryo who let go of his wrist and he finds him pulls him close, almost suffocates him. Ryo makes a strangling sound and Shige loosens his grip a bit, still holds onto to him and eventually Ryo hugs him back.
Shige hears a sniffing sound from the other one, just right next to his ear and now it’s him almost suffocated by the sheer force of Ryo’s arms.
“Tell me what happened.” Shige asks softly, counting one and one together. All the pictures in the house, the old furniture, the mere fact that Ryo owns a house at this young age, all the bitterness towards the people who want to end their lives.
“He jumped. Just like that. Waved at me. Then jumped. This bastard.” Ryo mumbles, grip tight on Shige’s pajama shirt.
“Your father?”
Ryo nods, takes a deep breath and Shige feels his shoulder getting dump. He soothes his hand over Ryo’s back, assuring him to just go on, let it go.
“Mom said he lost his job. And this coward of a man selfishly jumped. They wanted to take the house. And so he jumped but after he did he wasn’t so brave anymore. This fool screamed for help. How could he.” Ryo sniffles, anger and bitterness evident in both words and voice.
“Your mother?”
“Couldn’t stand the pain and the memory and just left. I was 14 for fucking sake. What parents leave their 14 year old kid behind?” Ryo yells, pushing Shige away.
Shige wonders, too.
“How could you keep the house?”
Shige isn’t sure whether it was appropriate pushing further, appearing curious but Ryo slightly laughed, sniffled again.
“The villagers. Chased off the bank guys who came from Tokyo. It’s why they hate city people.”
“You’ve lived here all by yourself for 10 years?” Shige asks incredulous. He’s both flabbergasted and disbelieved.
Ryo manages to laugh.
“Yeah. Where else should I have gone?”
Shige shrugs even though Ryo can’t see it.
“I don’t know, ancestors?”
“After they helped me keep the house? Someone had to take care of it. And I’m not all alone. The villagers are still there.”
Shige nods. Finally understand a lot.
“I’m sorry, Ryo.” Shige says because he doesn’t know what else to say. Ryo just laughs.
“What for? That both my parents are cowards?”
“No, it’s more like... that you get reminded of what happened anytime someone- jumps.”
A hand lands on his arm, crawls up to his shoulder, his cheek, thumb softly brushing his lip.
“I’m just glad you didn’t jump.” Ryo whispers, voice very close, so close his breath brushes Shige’s face.
It’s as close to a love confession as Ryo seems able to give.
+
One time, when Shige is on his way from the car to Ryo’s house, he sees it first-hand. It’s a guy, so much Shige can see and he is about to yell at him but then the guy disappears out of his sight. The wind carries some gurgling noises to his ear. Shige vomits. Then runs but in the dark sees nothing. Then again he’s careful not to come too close to the edge because he knows it’s dangerous. The wind is strong and the last thing he wants is to bring another misery into Ryo’s life.
When he enters Ryo’s house to which he has a key by now he is greeted by Ryo’s first happy and worried expression.
“What happened to you?” Ryo asks, eyebrows crunched.
“Someone jumped and I couldn’t do anything.” Shige squeaks, feels the sickness coming back.
Ryo’s look hardens.
“You’ll get used to it.” He answers almost stubbornly, leads Shige to the couch and brings him a shot of hard alcohol.
“What if I never get used to it?” Shige asks back, regrets it immediately when Ryo’s expression goes blank. “I’m sorry.” Shige adds but it doesn’t change Ryo’s expression.
The older gets up, almost stiffly goes back to the kitchen to finish off dinner.
“You are free to go anytime you want.” Ryo eventually says, each word stinging like knives right into Shige’s heart.
Shige opens his mouth to say to something but his “But I don’t want to go” only lefts his mouth as whisper.
The atmosphere is icy for the rest of the night and Shige wonders whether he’s supposed to go home and not stay especially when Ryo flips off the TV and proceeds to go upstairs.
“I’m going to bed.” Ryo states the obvious, then disappears.
Shige sits on the couch for a while, unsure of what do until Ryo reappears, half-glares at him.
“Do you want to sleep on the couch or are you intending to join me?”
Shige jumps, almost stumbles over the rug on his way to the stairs. Ryo gives him a weird look then walks back to the bathroom.
“I never intended on going.” Shige says later into the dark. Ryo lies on the opposite of the bed and Shige isn’t even sure whether he even heard him.
There’s rustling of sheets, then:
“I know.”
Shige is reaching out his hand, Ryo eventually finds it, snuggles closer and Shige sighs into the warmth of Ryo’s petite form.
“I still don’t know what you do for a daily living.” Shige suddenly realises.
Ryo chuckles, finds Shige’s mouth, kisses him, long, slowly, lazily. Shige hums into the kiss, is still fascinated how Ryo manages to knock him off his feet with something as simple as a kiss, wonders where he learnt that.
He brushes Ryo off, asks again.
“What is your job? Even you can’t live with only love and air.”
“You go in and out of house for 4 months now and still don’t know about my office?”
“What office?”
Ryo chuckles again.
“The one downstairs. You really are a jerk.”
Shige pouts but Ryo can’t see it.
“It’s not like I want to spy out your house like some thief or something.”
There’s silence for a moment and Shige enjoys Ryo’s breath the tickles the skin on his neck. It’s moments like these when he wishes they could lie like this forever.
“I’m a web designer.” Ryo eventually says, jolts Shige out of his dreamy daze. “I had a lot of time and self studied a lot. And now I create web sites for all kinds of people.”
“I’ve never seen you go on business trips or meet people.”
Ryo laughs.
“Shige, in what age do you live? You can do this by E-Mail.”
Shige nods, that makes sense.
Ryo moves again, softly brushes their lips together and Shige melts into the kiss, already forgetting what they were wasting their time with by talking when Ryo could so much better things with his mouth.
+
Shige sits in his office, hums some melody from the movie they watched yesterday and feels like he’s flying through life. There’s nothing left from his depression about this town and life in general and if he has to think back he almost comes to the conclusion his life has never been better.
Therefore the call he receives is like a punch in his face that has him stumbling and almost falling down face first.
“You did a great job here and therefore we plan on transferring you back to Tokyo where you will lead the Shibuya branch. Kumamoto-san will replace you in your current position. He will start in two weeks and once he’s become acquainted to the position you can transfer. We thought about next month.”
When Shige hears this he doesn’t know what to answer. He wastes not one thought on being promoted again. The only thing that crosses his mind that makes is hard to breathe is “I’m going to have to leave Ryo.”
“Kato-san?”
Shige jolts back to reality.
“Wh-what if I don’t want to transfer?”
There’s a moment of surprised silence.
“Why wouldn’t you? It’s the chance of your life and you would be- honestly speaking- unwise to refuse.”
Shige chews on his bottom lip.
“What would happen if I still refused?”
The guy on the other end of the line sighs.
“Let’s say it like that: It’s transferring back to Tokyo or nothing.”
Shige winces a bit. He feared this answer but knew it all along. When he signed the contract he knew that he would have to transfer from time to time or get kicked out completely. It’s the way the company works.
“I’ll think about it.” He finally says.
“Good. We will fax you the new contract. You will find all the information we discussed now in there, too. Have a nice day.” And with that he hung up.
Shige feels his life crumples into tiny little pieces again.
+
When Shige doesn’t react to any of Ryo’s approaches and doesn’t so much as moan when Ryo cups him through his pants, the older immediately stops and glares.
“Did I do something to you?” Ryo snaps, sitting up and slowly Shige returns to reality, gives him a puzzled look.
“What?”
Ryo’s glare darkens and Shige knows he’s more than offended. Shige sits up, shakes his head.
“No, it’s just… I will be getting transferred back to Tokyo in a month.”
“Oh” is all Ryo says. He tries not to look disappointed but by now Shige can see right through him.
“I- don’t want to go so I asked them to let me stay.”
There’s a faint gleam of hope and Shige hates how he’s about to destroy it again.
“But they said if I don’t transfer I will get fired.”
The gleam disappears and Ryo turns around.
“Guess you have to go then, right?” he asks, sounds a bit offended, a bit too cold.
Shige stares at his back, sighs. His heart pounds against his chest as if it wants to jump out of his rib cage and there’s a huge lump in his throat he doesn’t get away even with gulping.
Shige scrambles closer, hugs Ryo from behind, leans his head against Ryo’s bony shoulder blade.
“We still have a month” Shige whispers as if that would make it better. Ryo sighs, eventually leans in to the hug and they stay like this for what feels like forever.
+
They try to act like forever but Shige can almost see Ryo slowly turning away from him. He tells him off more often and on the rare occasions Shige gets to spend night Ryo hardly approaches him and brushes him away. It’s as if Ryo wants to close down on him, wants to turn away so that when Shige has to go he doesn’t get as miserable. Shige can see how much Ryo is suffering.
He wonders whether it’s for the best if they see each other less often as to slowly get used to not seeing each other anymore. But he finds he can’t.
When he sleeps at home, his actual home, he finds that a life without Ryo next to him seems almost impossible. The mattress is uncomfortable and it’s way too cold altogether and somehow he misses hearing the sound of his breathe and the heat his body is radiating.
The month passes fairly quickly, too quickly and by the time Shige has to pack his few things he’s already positive about dying for real this time.
He spent his time trying to weigh the pros of going and the pros of staying. He even had made a list but the only thing standing on the pro for staying side was “Ryo” written as a big fat kanji.
The pros for going side was much longer, including the promotion, the additional money- or money in general because if he stayed he wouldn’t have a job and there no money-, being back with his friends and family.
But no matter how rational he tried to be, his gaze would always shift back to the kanji Ryo symbolised.
Shige sighs. And is surprised by himself. It has never struck him until now that when he thinks of the love of his life it’s always Ryo he means. He almost laughs at the way fate has sent him here. And he also notices how history repeats itself. Remembers how it felt like leaving the man he’d thought was the love of his life and hearing only a few weeks later that it turned out he loved someone else.
And he thinks about leaving Ryo behind. Thinks about the bitterness Ryo had in his eyes when he first met him and realizes that it has gone out of his voice, his expression, almost completely. He thinks about how Ryo feels being left alone again, just like that.
It almost makes Shige cry.
And he thinks about leaving, thinks about never seeing Ryo again, never talking to him ever again, never sharing the same bed, never feeling the warmth.
It makes Shige cry.
+
He rushes to Ryo’s house. He hasn’t been visiting often during the last four weeks and fumbles with the keys and after a lot of swearing finally gets the door open.
It’s dark inside and when Shige calls out for Ryo he gets no response.
He takes his mobile and calls Ryo but then hears his ring tone and realizes Ryo either is home or left his mobile behind.
Shige starts to panic, frantically runs through the house, opens all kinds of doors but Ryo is not there.
The worst chain of thoughts struck his mind and he runs outside to the cliff but it’s dark already and he can’t see anything. He rushes forward, knows it’s stupid and almost gets a heart attack by the sheer thought. Just when he’s far enough at the edge to look down by craning his head forward enough, a very familiar voice comes from behind:
“I wouldn’t jump if I were you!”
Shige shoots back, his heart almost dropping to his feet and before Ryo can say anything else Shige has pulled him into a tight hug that almost squeezes the air out of his lungs.
“Gosh, I was scared you jumped.” Shige whispers, tries to pull Ryo closer as if he would jump after all if only Shige let him go.
“Why would I jump, idiot?” Ryo says, squirming himself out of the hug with surprisingly strong moves.
Shige suddenly laughs. Feels stupid and reaches out for Ryo again, pulls him into an eager kiss.
When Shige pulls away his eyes shine.
“I’m not going!”
Ryo looks confused.
“What about your job?”
“Fuck the job, there are more important things in life then a career.”
Ryo cocks an eyebrow.
“And what are you going to live on? Love and air?” he asks sarcastically, both knowing very well what he hinted at.
“If it’s necessary.”
Ryo rolls his eyes.
“You’re an idiot.” But then pulls him into another kiss.
Shige laughs. He pushes aside all thoughts of how he actually is going to live from now on because he knows that this was not only the right decision, it was the only decision.
---------------------------
Be proud of me for not killing off Shige this time :D And sorry for the weird ending. I want to go to bed haha